Vourtron returns with an inspired review
There was an arcade room there at PAX 2013 near the 3rd floor main escalators. I heard that they shipped games from all around; one organization supplied the U-haul truck, one supplied the labor- I might be wrong about the labor part. Anyways, he was a very nice guy who told me this and who probably dolly’d all the games there. Here’s what they had, (minus a great Exerion, Galaxian, Donkey Kong Jr. and a large bunch of early 80’s games and some pinballs):
1. Raiden Fighters (Operation Hell Dive)
It seems like every time I find a rare shmup in an arcade, it’s this GD game, and there’s always something wrong with it. This one had some strange settings, namely just one bomb, and maybe a difficulty change? Do I sound like a nerd? Well, I love this game. I know how to collect the medals for a super-gold on the train level. I got the high score on the game for the few hours I was there. All Raiden Fighters games are great. Raiden’s too. And Viper Phase 1.
2. Noah’s Ark
This was in a tiny (like, 3 feet tall) kid cab I’d never seen. My companion, Fischbot, gave it a try.
Noah was standing there by his ark, a few animals were in the area, he walked over and escorted the creatures to the ark door. When two of the same critters were there at the door together, they would go into the ark. What a relaxing game. What Fischbot didn’t know, was that a quarter mile down the screen, where you couldn’t see, the water was f&*$king RISING!!! The game never said that! Fischbot only stumbled upon that detail while searching out new animals. Tons of animals did not survive the game. Also, as Noah was traveling to and fro, another creature would appear in random spots around the screen, but disappear if you walked towards it every time. IT WAS A MOTHER FATHER UNICORN! Man, there is a vengeful God, for sure.
3. R-Type.
There was an R-Type cab in excellent condition there. Perfect monitor and everything. I went back twice for that… and got a high score.
While waiting for another guy to finish his game, I learned that, on the second level boss that looks exactly like- I think Big Shiny Robot is a clean site- I can’t describe it here….. it is a cluster of.. “female parts”, with some, er, “male parts” exiting from out the female parts, and snakes exit from the male parts and fly around the screen. And the bosses name is Cyst– Jeez, this is disgusting! And you blow it up by firing away on the main female “nerve center” (if you understand) up on top of the beast.
Well, anyways, I saw from this guy, that you can stay in the corner and milk the snakes that come out (by blowing up the orange blobs in their segments) and rack up points. And you don’t even have to shoot! They usually pass right through your force module and milk themselves. You can milk like 5 or 6 snakes and still have time to blow the boss for points before it times out. I can’t believe I never thought of that strategy before.
I made it halfway through the techno level for a score of around 260,000. I hope it’s not to dishonorable to milk that creature on the way. I ask myself, “what would Worf do” in those situations. And this one’s iffy. But it’s still just another facet of the gem that is R-Type. You want to know why R-Type is still a recognizable name? It’s because, objectively, the game is just excellent.
Also, if you think R-Type is sick or gross, you should see Irem’s other arcade game, X-Multiply. It will BLOW YOUR MIND with grossness. You’ll probably barf. I’m talking stright-up tumors with SEXY LEGS, eyeballs with LIPS FOR PUPILS, disgusting guts on ALL side, ALL the time, sperms EVERYWHERE.