I’m reaching a point in doing this column where I’ve done most of the shows that I’m familiar with and enjoyed when I was growing up. So now each week involves a scavenger hunt to find the show I’ll watch and write about.
“Dinosaucers” Created by Michael E. Uslan; Written by Michael E. Uslan, Diane Duane, Lisa Maliani, Doug Molitor, et al; Starring Len Carlson, Rob Cowan, Marvin Goldhar, Dan Hennessey, Don McManus, and Leslie Toth; Originally aired September 14, 1987.
This week I came across “Dinosaucers,” a title like that draws the eye so I decided to check it out. Fifteen seconds into the intro sequence and a little box buried somewhere in the recesses of my mind was uncovered. The Dinosaucers appear on screen and it was like seeing an old friend, the voice inside my head screamed ‘I know these guys!’ and then ‘I know those rings!’ What treasure from my childhood have I rediscovered?
I was excited. It felt like finding an old box in the attic and inside are all your best toys from when you were a kid, the ones you thought your parents threw out over the years. Here was something I loved as a kid that was lost and now after decades apart we were reunited.
I started where all great journeys must, at the beginning. Episode one is entitled “Dinosaur Valley.” The episode originally aired September 14, 1987 and less than three months later the show would be cancelled after 65 episodes. The opening sequence introduces us to the three main factions in the series; the heroic Dinosaucers, a group of evolved dinosaurs from space led by Allo; the Secret Scouts, a group of teenage humans and friends to the Dinosaucers; and the Tyrannos, another group of evolved dinosaurs and enemies of the Dinosaucers.
Having taken care of the setup in a quick one minute montage allows the series to jump right into the thick of things.
My happy feelings lasted for the first few minutes of the episode before the previously unabashed smile became slightly abashed and later retreated to its room to be alone with its thoughts. Something has changed, this isn’t the show I remember from when the coolest thing I could do was not drool on myself (I’ve almost mastered it).
The writing is just awful, and as much as I love them, when it comes to cartoons from the eighties, the bar is already pretty low. The plot of this episode involves the Tyrannos discovering some sort of unknown ore in a tucked away valley. They land their ship and go in search of this ore as it could offer a new weapon with which to fight and finally defeat the Dinosaucers. The rest of their plan is never fully explained, they don’t even know what it is they’re actually looking for, they don’t know the properties of this previously unknown metal. Do they intend to craft new weapons from this mysterious ore? Or are they just going to throw chunks of it at them and hope for the best?
Meanwhile the Dinosaucers and the Secret Scouts just happen to be in the same area after they discover a group of un-evolved (read: boring regular) dinosaurs in the same valley. As they approach they overhear Genghis Rex, leader of the Tyrannos, divulging his plan to enslave the dinosaurs using mind control collars (“Dino-Riders” anyone? Though “Dino-Riders” didn’t air until over a year later) and force them to mine the ore so he can finally defeat Allo and the Dinosaucers.
Allo and his companions know they must stop Genghis Rex and free the dinosaurs so he schemes a scheme so schemey there will never be cause to question his leadership again. His plan is to “dinovolve” into his ancestral form, essentially becoming a full size Allosaurus. Then he’ll blend in with the regular dinosaurs and steal the control box from Genghis Rex. If he happens to be collared and enslaved by his most mortal enemy in the process… well let’s just see what happens.
SPOILER ALERT: He gets captured by the freaking Tyrannos!
The way they behave makes one believe that they still only have tiny walnut sized brains but are now equipped with advanced technology. Luckily the bumbling is equal on both sides, suggesting that the Dinosaucers and Tyrannos will go on until the end of time in an endless cycle of incompetence.
The whole show feels like a commercial for cool dino toys with armor and weapons. There are even ships that are modeled after dinosaur physiology because that would make a cool toy. Though, while Galoob Toys did have plans to launch a toy line based on the series, because of the failure of the show and its swift cancellation the line was scrapped after molds and prototypes were created and “Dinosaucers” effectively died in December 1987. Two years later the show would air in Brazil where a toy company would acquire the molds and the rights to create toys. In the end only five of the eight Dinosaucers figures were created and it’s unknown how many exist.
If eBay is any indication the answer is, not many. Figures are selling for hundreds of dollars and there’s a part of me that really wants one because at the end of the day dinosaurs are cool, they’ll always be cool, and dinosaurs in armor are even cooler. Unfortunately that’s about as far as the appeal for “Dinosaucers” carries.
But it’s not you “Dinosaucers,” it’s me. I’ve changed since you’ve been gone, I’ve grown, I’ve met new shows and I’m sorry but I don’t love you anymore. Let’s just be friends.