The penultimate episode of “American Horror Story: Coven” brought so much to the table. Intricacies were ironed out and tied in a neat little bow, loose ends were trimmed and burned to prevent fray, and a wider picture was finally sho – oh my god I can’t even type it. None of that is true. I just know what the plot is now. The roller coaster that is “American Horror Story” has reached its final peak, and it’s either going to totally psych you out and just go straight into the dock like that crappy coaster at King’s Island, or it’s gonna fly down that last hill and surprise you a couple times, like that old awesome coaster at King’s Island.
Tonight the show opened on a silent-film piece that depicted witches of yore performing the Seven Wonders. OK, two small things here… First, it was pointless. It was showy and stuck out and was poorly carried out. The screen skips were there, as were the modest effects that were used one hundred years ago, but the actresses looked completely modern save for their costumes, as did the quality of “film.” I just don’t think you tried at all, AHS. And secondly – Really? Really?!!? We find out the details of the Seven Wonders in the next to last episode? I don’t even need to use my words because if you listen very closely you can actually hear my eyes roll.
But as it stands, the Seven Wonders – the tests young witches must pass in order to earn the title of Supreme – are as follows:
- Telekinesis. Hands-free movement.
- Concilium. Jedi mind tricks.
- Transmutation. Would make for an incredibly frustrating game of tag.
- Divination. Seriously if you don’t know what this is why are you even watching the show.
- Vitalim Vitalis. Kind of like what John Coffey does.
- Descensum. Visiting other worlds.
- Pyrokinesis. Brain fire.
I’ve been combing my brain trying to remember details of episodes past to find clues, hoping with all my might that there has been some actual thought and foreshadowing that has already told us who the supreme is, but I’m coming up with spare change. My money is truly on Queenie at this point, but that’s mostly because she performed a good portion of the Wonders in this episode. All but one skill came forth in different witches tonight, brain fire being the missing ingredient.
After Fiona’s power point on the Seven Wonders, Queenie goes in search of Marie. Her clues are frustrating at best, so she summons Papa Legba. He shows her hell and gives her the tool that will end Delphine’s existence in this mortal coil. Queenie easily finds Delphine, who is now a tour guide in her original historic house of horror. Queenie provides one last chance for repentance, but LaLaurie only serves up further proof of her utter lack of soul (again, thank you for revoking any cause for sympathy for such a horrible creature – never forget that LaLaurie and her acts were not an invention or exaggeration of this show). In turn, Queenie delivers her directly to Papa, so while her time on Earth has come to an end, she still lives on in the same world of pain and disgust that she created. Marie’s location is finally revealed at the end of the show. She has indeed met her mortal end as well, and will spend eternity dispensing vengeance as Legba sees fit. I’m not entirely sure where this can go in one episode, but here is exactly what I do not want: LeVeau and LaLaurie teaming up to defeat Legba, escape Hell, and call it a day. Papa Legba does not force anyone to make their deals and as such he is not a bad guy. He’s a highly revered deity who does not deserve to be duped by a sociopathic racist or a woman who willingly sold her soul. So that’s probably exactly what will happen.
Last week Cordelia violently plucked out her own eyeballs in order to regain her second sight (dry heave), but whoops joke’s on her because it didn’t work. Not until Fiona told her she didn’t have to do it because “you had it in you all along… /Disney Godmother voice” (wretch). Well whoopsy again because apparently all it took was one sentence and literally no trying for The Sight to work again and now Cordelia can see the future instead of the past. I don’t even know, you guys. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried. In an amazing tracking shot sequence, Cordelia “sees” Fiona slaughtering the coven and decides to nip that inconvenience in the bud and pays a visit to the Sax Man. There she plants a seed of dissent that goes just a bit further than anticipated. Oh, and P.S. – thanks for all those macro close-ups of Cordelia’s grody eye sockets. Bang up job on the make up as usual, but my Eyeball Thing is not desensitizing at all.
Cordelia was a busy little bee tonight. She not only dealt with Fiona’s bad intentions, she found Misty and had Queenie mind-move a stone wall and Lazarus the little swamp hippy back to life. Do you watch “Supernatural” and/or read my reviews? If you like AHS you should totally check out “Supernatural” (unless you only like this show because of the powerful female cast, in which case please take me at my word that “Supernatural” is assuredly not the show for you). I only ask because in my review of last night’s “Supernatural” I mentioned that it featured what was probably the best fist fight I’ve ever seen on television. Well color me taken aback, because the chick fight that ensued tonight was just gleeful. Misty Day fights like a prison yard King, y’all. She beat the ever loving snot out of Madison and I grinned like a toddler at a puppet show. Their brawl was interrupted by a bloody Sax Man stumbling down the opulent staircase.
And it was here that the show totally pooped the bed. The Sax Man’s presence in the witches’ lives was begun by a horrific stabbing by multiple girls after he had committed atrocities. As such, it could have been an elegant circle that his end in their story was brought about by the heirs of those same women that created him. Save for one thing. He. Is. A Ghost. Jesus wept, AHS, you can’t stab a ghost to death! Like, whatever, I’ll buy killer vaginas and resurrected hobos and a four hundred year old racist, but stabbing a ghost? You done crossed a line, American Horror Story.
So with only one episode left, we still need to address the plight of Marie, Not-Filch doing lord knows what with a stolen baby in the attic, Frankenkyle being pointless, Myrtle’s damn gloves, the cage match between Misty and Madison, and the title bout for Supreme. Yeah. That season finale is going to one of two extremes.
And in the continuing saga of “kmc1138 Doesn’t Have to Try to Be Myrtle Snow,” I used to smoke Nat Sherman Fantasias, I own a bee necklace, and I shed a silent tear when Halston hit the floor of JC Penney.
If you’ve seen the episode, you know I’ve omitted a major event. If you haven’t watched yet, I recommend you stop reading right here. Yes, I generally warn of and include spoilers, but this one is a doozy. Read on at your own risk.
Holy shitballs that Fiona business came out of nowhere! I give credit where it’s due, and killing off your star before the end of the series takes guts. And the scene was, hold on, I’m gonna say it I just need a sip of water first, well done. The viewer knew it was coming. Cordelia saw the Sax Man bury his axe in Fiona, but the actual occurrence still shook me. The scene needed to put us at ease, and what better way to do that than to talk about kitties? Fiona began a sweet tale of a childhood pet and then BAM. Gore and brutality and –
Oh dammit. It just occurred to me. Cordelia was seeing the future this episode. Yes, the Sax Man was dripping Fiona’s blood. But blood isn’t a body, now is it. Could Fiona’s death have been in the future of the worst named villain ever? Do the witches not only have to deal with the most epic final exam ever, but Fiona as well? I guess I’ll see you in a week to discuss.