My review of American Horror Story’s fifth episode is, much like the show itself, not for minors or those with delicate sensibilities or discerning tastes. I’ve been trying to think of ways to recap the episode that would be appropriate for mixed company but it just ain’t happenin’. But that’s really no fun anyway, so off goes the filter and on with the review.
Hey, um, remember that time when I asked how they could possibly top a mason jar full of boiling semen? Well, I should probably just learn to shut my got-damn mouth because the answer is a bowl full of severed slave penises. The show’s opener once again took us back to Madame LaLaurie’s era and her last Hallowe’en celebration. She tortured some suitors and when her daughters conspired to end Delphine’s life, she straight up pulled some Marquis de Sade tactics while they were caged in her torture chambers. Score one for AHS; tonight I raised an eyebrow over widened eyes due to a line that I won’t repeat because my editors and our sponsors would probably be mighty peeved. No, seriously, not gonna say it. Quit nagging! OK FINE it involved poo and lady bits and that’s all you’re getting.
We’re then returned to the present day zombie attach on Dirty American Hogwarts. The girls are alone with Not Filch and the Christian neighbor – so, defensless – and Zoe proves she’s a take charge kind of gal. She rescues Nan and the zealot and single handedly wipes out Marie’s entire host of undead. Y’all I have not seen a body pieced apart like that since “Waxwork,” and it really kind of tickled me that it happened on the TV. I suppose that speaks volumes about me. Anyway – Zoe is the first of two witches tonight to materialize new powers, and with a whisper of words we’re not meant to know she takes out the final zombie with no physical force at all. Fun fact: Pay close attention to that zombie if you rewatch. Then pop back to the open of “Fearless Pranks Ensue.” Ah? Yeah? Dammit, AHS, a shock and continuity? You get another half point for that.
Meanwhile Fiona has a bad trip at a hospital with some wildly lax security and resurrects a stranger’s dead baby while she waits for Cordelia to wake. There are few things that make me more uncomfortable than an infant corpse, namely vomit (real or fake) and eyeball stuff (also real or fake), so score another moment of genuine unease for tonight’s episode. 2.5. Nice. Cordelia’s weirdo husband arrives on the scene and in the second power reveal she gains a second sight (EYEROLL) and sees his misadventures with a redhead and a gun. Uh-oh!
The Council arrives at Dirty American Hogwarts to dethrone Fiona, but in a plot twist that surprised no one Fiona turns the tables and proves Myrtle Snow to be the only defiler in the group. I mean, we all thought that it was Myrtle that mutilated Cordelia, right? Fiona convinces the gang and in a scene straight out of Tarantino, the girls and albino bodyguards march to a quarry and burn Myrtle at the stake. The effects were a bit on the frowny side, but as usual the cast performances are an appropriate distraction.
Our second to last scene was that of Not Filch with bonnet and Lysol, dancing and freshening up the doll attic. It needs freshening because there is an increasingly unfresh corpse in the toy box. Let’s re-examine that description, shall we? I used to fancy that I’d be a writer of fiction one day. Maybe I still do, but that’s absolutely not the point. The point is that HOLY SHIT I WISH I COULD TELL YOU I MADE THAT UP. But I didn’t! A script actually dictated that a greasy tongueless man would wear a nightgown and bonnet while he pulled the arm off a rotting debuntante. I’m honestly a little jealous. 3.5. Dammit.
So I think at this point I have to say it. No, I’m not an LMD or a pod person, but it is entirely plausible that I have been brainwashed because this was not only a fun episode, it was a good one. Uchh, I feel dirty. But it was! It was really good – as I mentioned, we had plot development and continuity, and even I was a little shocked and grossed out. You win this round, AHS. You win this round.
There are a couple issues I must mention, however. Would a couple centuries of live burial be enough for Madame LaLaurie to experience guilt? This was a woman of pure evil. Undiluted hatred and horror. And now she’s sorry. I need a little bit more than daughter corpses and rescue at the hands of a woman of color to believe her redemption story. My other issue is really but a quibble, but I seriously require more than three minutes of Angela Bassett per episode. Oh, and this is now my favorite thing on the internet:
The closing scene was that of Misty Day bent over a crispy Myrtle. Raise your hand if you didn’t see this coming, but Misty brings Myrtle back and now we’re left with another nemesis in the playing field.
There were new powers, old enemies, and a wild card tonight – has this changed your opinion of who the new Supreme might be? Tell me who you think will inherit the title, but also – in an ideal Ryan Murphy world – to whom would you bestow the title?