It’s that time of year again: when your regular television fare is replaced by so much treacle. Oh, but we love it so.
But just like with everything, every family, every person ahs their own favorites of what holiday entertainment means for them. Don’t take this as the end-all-be-all list of season’s watching’s—sound off on what I missed and why one of my favorites is so terrible.
ABC Family is showing a lot of these over the next few weeks—so if in doubt, check them. Also, TV Tango has an exhaustive list not only of Christmas episode classics, but also holiday episodes of current shows including holiday episodes of… your favorite cooking shows? Sure, why not?
So, without more ado, my Top 20/Bottom 5 Holiday Specials!
Bottom 5:
First, a disclaimer. These are specials that I love to hate. It doesn’t matter how terrible I know it is: when the Heat Miser and Snow Miser are on I am drawn like a moth to their flame. Just like a terrible fruitcake you keep nibbling on….
5. The Year Without a Santa Claus. Santa is played by Mickey Rooney. Rankin-Bass stop-motion animation. It’s going to be great, right? Well, kind of. For a children’;s special, this thing has a confusing plot: Santa gets sick and decides to take the year off. So, to look for a sign of good will, two bumbling elves come to, of all places, the United States, and even worse, The South. A reindeer is locked up in the dog pound, and the only way they let him out is if it snows, so the elves and Mrs. Claus have to get the Snow Miser and Heat Miser to agree to let it snow in the South…. You see what I mean about a complex plot. It’s really a terrible show, but somehow the misers are like Sirens, whose songs draws me to my own death. This plays every few days on 25 Days of Christmas, and so I’m sure it will be on at least 5 times in my house before Dec 25th.
4. The Santa Clause franchise: Ok, the first one was not terrible. I stil chuckle at puns like “A Rose Suchock Ladder” and the good use of Judge Reinhold. The second was ok, partially because I have a thing for Elizabeth Mitchell and because Molly Shannon almost steals the movie. But the third? Should’ve just been called “The Search for More Money.” All of these will be showing on ABC Family. Check your listings if you need to exceed the recommended allowance of Tim Allen.
3. 8 Crazy Nights. Absolutely one of the worst films I have ever seen. Literally the only redeeming this about this movie is when it ends, and over the credits Adam Sandler sings a new list of people who are Jewish. Hopefully not showing at any time, but check Comedy Central.
2. The Polar Express. Possibly the scariest Christmas movie I’ve ever seen. It doesn’t help that Mandark from Dexter’s Lab is one of the kids we’re supposed to follow and have empathy for. Pointless cameo from Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. Let me put it this way: next time you watch it, just pretend that all of the characters played by Tom Hanks are, in fact, the same person… and he’s a child molester. The film makes a lot more sense that way, but it’s much more disturbing.
1. The Christmas Box – I had a review written about how much I hated the 2006 remake of Black Xmas, but you know, I just don’t hate it near as much as I do the made for TV version of Richard Paul Evans’ gag-inducing The Christmas Box. The only story more holiday glurge-inducing than this is Glenn Beck’s The Christmas Sweater, and until they make that into a made for TV movie, this is it. The good news? Unless grandma has this on VHS, you’re probably safe.
And now the best!
20. Twas the Night Before Christmas – This is my wife’s favorite, and we HAVE to watch it every Christmas Eve (and I just can’t stand it- but it’s tradition). From our friends at Rankin/Bass, the story of a Christmas clock, an egghead mouse who accidentally breaks it, and how Even a Miracle Needs a Hand…. ABC Family is showing this one several times, starting Saturday morning, Dec 18.
19. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation – How do you review this? It just simply is. One of John Hughes best, and my favorite of the movies that feature the Griswolds. And given Randy Quaid’s recent breakdown into insanity, don’t you want to celebrate the performance that most people associate with him most and he likes least? Watch it. Laugh. Showing on TV Land, Sat Dec 11, 6pm ET.
18. Home Alone / Home Alone 2 – my friend Ryan told me this might be his favorite Christmas movie of all time. I, however, share the view of Salma Hayek’s character in Dogma: “I’m responsible for nine of the ten top grossing films of all time… The one about the kid, by himself in his house; burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.” But, there’s something to this. A nice commentary about family, travel, etc. Tune in, if this is your thing. It’s showing on ABC Family almost constantly.
17. Frosty the Snowman/Frosty Returns – who doesn’t need to hear jimmy Durante sing this at least once a year? Watch for it on Sat Dec 11 on CBS during primetime. Viewing of Frosty Returns is optional.
16. White Christmas – Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye are old army buddies who try to woo Rosemary Clooney and Vera Allen through song and dance at Christmastime. 100% nostalgia. AMC, Sat Dec 11
15. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory – Yes, this is kind of a liberal definition of a holiday movie, but ABC Family, along with several people I know, get very Christmasy feelings about this. Gene Wilder may as well be a mad Santa Claus, punishing naughty children, and Oompa Loompas his elves. Plus, he reminds us the important holiday lesson: Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. Showing a dozen or so times on ABC Family, starting on Mon Dec 6 at 8:30 pm
14. Rudolph: there are a couple of these, and the original is still a classic. Island of Misfit Toys is cool, I guess, Christmas in July a bit of a stretch, but when I was a kid Shiny New Year scared the bejeezus out of me. You can see the original Rudolph for the first time Monday, Dec 6 on ABC Family 7pm ET and all of them will show on ABC Family a bunch. Shiny New Year will get a special pre- New Years showing on ABC, Tue Dec 28.
13. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles – Technically, Steve Martin is trying to get home for Thanksgiving in this classic, but anyone traveling at the holidays can identify with this. Plus, “Those aren’t pillows!!!!!” Check your listings, but you prob have to Netflix this one.
12. A Christmas Carol – I am sucker for any version of Dickens’ classic. Unfortunately, the cable networks are being downright Scroogish with showing of any of these version. Time to get them on dvd/blu-ray or put in your netflix que! Versions to watch for:
- Patrick Stewart as Scrooge: C’mon. Who doesn’t want to see Picard as Scrooge?
- Scrooged: One of Bill Murray’s best. And a different take on the classic tale. AMC will show a mini-marathon of this starting at 10am on Christmas Day, and a bunch of times before then.
- George C Scott as Scrooge: probably your classic version. No one plays a curmudgeon like Scott.
- The Muppet Christmas Carol: This might actually be my favorite version. Michael Caine is one of the best Scrooges ever, and this has some fun with the source material while staying incredibly true to the original. For example, when visited by the ghost of Jacob Marley, it’s actually Statler and Waldorf playing Jacob and his borther Robert. Robert Marley. As in Bob Marley. And Rizzo is here for the food.
- Mickey’s Christmas Carol. I didn’t put together until much later in life that Scrooge McDuck from Ducktales was actually Uncle Scrooge from A Christmas Carol. A pretty by-the-numbers version of the story, but made up for with good use of classic Disney characters.
- BlackAdder’s Christmas Carol: a different take: the ghost shows up to show what bastards BlackAdder’s relatives were and that he ought to be more of a bastard himself this Christmas. Streaming on Netflix via Insta-que, so you can check this one out on your schedule.
- Mr. Magoo: It’s on Hulu! Watch it! And squint at the screen while doing it! And then watch the episode of The Simpsons where it teaches Homer an important lesson.
11. South Park – just pick some random Christmas episodes, all of which you can watch on the internet by clicking these links: Woodland Critter Christmas. Red Sleigh Down. Mr. Hankey. A Very Crappy Christmas. And, of course, the animation that started it all: The Spirit of Christmas: Jesus vs Santa (which you probably can get from the bit torrents or in lots of versions of various quality on youtube). You can’t fail.
10. A Christmas Story – This is a classic in so many senses, but I have never heard a Christmas special be so divisive. You either worship this and can quote several major parts or you think it is so dumb (include me in the former category and my wife in the latter). TBS begins a 24 hour marathon on Christmas Eve at 8pm ET.
9. [adult swim] The [as] folks have a ton of classic Christmas episodes, some of which are online and other will be surely shown over the coming weeks. FIRST, tune in this Sunday, Dec 5, at midnight for a one hour Chrimbus Spectacular from Tim and Eric, featuring Neil Hamburger and Tairy Green (Zach Galifinakis). In fact, several holiday episodes will air on Sunday, including American Dad’s Best Christmas Never, in which Stan goes back in time with the Ghost of Christmas past and accidentally causes communism to take over the US.
The Chrimbus special should provide a perfect follow-up to Tom Goes to the Mayor: Rats Off To Ya! Also worth checking out A Very Venture Christmas, Space Ghost singing Up on the Houstop (click click click!!), Deck the Halls (Gabba Gabba Hey), The Council of Doom singing the 12 Days of Christmas (LEONARD NIMOY SINGS!!!) and We Wish You a Happy Birthday—conspicuously missing is Zorak singing “Anarchy in Jingle-bell Land.” Oh, and of course, the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past, guest starring Danzig.
8. The Grinch. Thurl Ravenscroft singing “You’re a mean one” is one of the most important parts of our family’s holidays. We watched the original cartoon on DVD as we decorated our tree this year. M daughter makes me read the original book to her all year long. And for as much crap as people give the Jim Carrey version, I always enjoyed it. You can watch them both back to back on ABC, Thu Dec 23, starting at 8/7pm ET/CT
7. What Would Jesus Buy? (GROAN! A documentary!?!?!?!) Yes. Please watch this. From the producers of Supersize Me, it follows the exploits of Reverand Billy Talen of the Church of Stop Shopping and the Stop Shopping Choir on a national tour that goes from New York to the corporate headquarters of Walmart to the Mall of the Americas, culminating in the best Christmas Carol flashmob ever at Disneyland’s Main Street USA. His activism predicted the financial collapse due to overextension of consumer and household debt. You may not agree with all of Rev Billy’s politics, but he gives a good message: we spend so much time buying more every Christmas yet are less happy. Why not try buying less and seeing if we have more happiness? It’s available streaming on Netflix. Watch 15 minutes of it, and if you’re not entertained, turn it off, but just watch some of it.
6. Bad Santa – this is my favorite salty Christmas treat. Featuring one of the best (and final) performances of John Ritter, and Lauren Graham as a chick with a Santa fetish, it just isn’t Christmas without seeing this. It’s not showing on tv, but who wants to see it with everything bleeped out?
5. A Colbert Christmas – Colbert sends up the holiday specials of the past with help from Toby Keith, Jon Stewart, Willie Nelson, Feist, John Legend, and the amazing Elvis Costello. It’s incredibly funny, a little heartwarming, and also has a subtle message of hope and cheer encapsulated by Colbert and Costello’s “There are Much Worse Things” and everyone joining in singing “What’s so Funny About Peace, Love, and Understanding?” Not showing on Comedy Central (wtf? I’m sure that replay of the Katt Williams special or the David Hasselhoff roast will get better ratings….) as far as I can tell, but I’m sure Colbert just wants you to download it from iTunes or buy the DVD.
4. Charlie Brown “Can’t anyone tell me what Christmas is all about?” Cue Linus and the spotlight. It’s hard to imagine this being made today, not because of the content but because the only reason someone would insert such blatantly pro-Christian messages would only be done to bludgeon people with and as part of some made up controversy about a war on Christmas. Without a trace of irony or snark, this is the little bit of ginger we need to clear our palate from so much of the other stuff that passes as holiday programming. Thu, Dec 16, 8/7pm ET/CT on ABC.
3. Star Wars – No, not the Star Wars Christmas Special, although that could be part of it if you’ve managed to bit torrent yourself a copy or bought a pirate dvd from Comic-Con. I’m talking about actual Star Wars. This just was always a part of the holidays in my house, that we would watch all three movies of the original trilogy, oftentimes while assembling Legos and playing with the toys we had just opened earlier in the morning. Several years, some cable network would show them. In recent years, prequels have also been incorporated, but the original trilogy was always a must. And I know I’m not the only family that thinks holidays equals Star Wars.
2. Elf – I’m always amazed at this film and the reminder of pure joy that the holiday season can be. There’s a little bit of snark and irony in here, but more love than anything else. Again, this is one of the most divisive holiday films I know—people either love or hate it. I’m in the former category. USA will be showing this almost daily. Check their schedule here.
1. It’s a Wonderful Life – This is the movie guaranteed to make me cry every damn year. At one point this movie was ubiquitous on December television due to the owners having let the broadcast rights lapse, so it could be broadcast for free. But for the last decade or so, NBC has only shown it once every year. Luckily for me, they’re showing a restored print at the Alamo Drafthouse and that’s how I’ll watch it this year, with a theater full of people “Hee-haw”ing at the screen and booing and hissing at Old Man Potter. For the rest of you, there’s a new DVD set out this year, or you can catch it on TV. Fri Dec 24, NBC 8pm
So, there’s my list. I checked it twice. But I’m sure I’ve missed some obvious ones. Sound off in the comments about how you like my taste so much you’d like to meet me under the Mistletoe, or conversely, about where I should stick my figgy pudding for being so dumb.
Also, look in the coming week for a rundown of Christmas dreck available for free on the Internets, and then another rundown of your favorite shows that are having Christmas episodes this season. Citizen-Bot will return in….
IT CAME FROM HULU AND YOUTUBE!!!