ABC Family is showing a lot of these over the next few weeks—so if in doubt, check them.  Also, based on who owns the rights to a lot of these movies it will affect where it plays. Watch for Elf on USA, A Christmas Story on TNT/TBS, and so forth.

So, without more ado, my Top 20/Bottom 5 Holiday Specials!

Bottom 10:

10. Twas the Night Before Christmas – This is my wife’s favorite, and we HAVE to watch it every Christmas Eve (and I just can’t stand it- but it’s tradition).   From our friends at Rankin/Bass, the story of a Christmas clock, an egghead mouse who accidentally breaks it, and how Even a Miracle Needs a Hand….  ABC Family is showing this one several times as part of their 25 Days of Christmas.

9. Black Xmas – Yes, I understand there are a lot of people who hate the holidays. But I understand hating them, but i don’t understand indulging in a low-rent slasher movie, much less this unecessary and pointless 2006 remake, just to counteract the treacle-covered glurge we normally get. Here’s a suggestion, instead of this crappy horror movie, go watch Dead Snow. (Nazi Zombies!) or Frozen. (It’s scarier because it’s “more realistic”) Or Troll Hunter. Or Let the Right One In / Let Me In. Or 30 Days of Night.  Or Die Hard for the love of all that is holy! Just not this piece of crap, please.

7/8. Home Alone / Home Alone 2 – my friend Ryan told me this might be his favorite Christmas movie of all time. I, however, share the view of Salma Hayek’s character in Dogma: “I’m responsible for nine of the ten top grossing films of all time… The one about the kid, by himself in his house; burglars trying to get in and he fights them off?  I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.”  Tune in, if this is your thing.  It’s showing on ABC Family almost constantly.

6.  The Year Without a Santa Claus. First, a disclaimer.  This is a special that I love to hate. It doesn’t matter how terrible I know it is: when the Heat Miser and Snow Miser are on I am drawn like a moth to their flame.  Just like a terrible fruitcake you keep nibbling on….Santa is played by Mickey Rooney. Rankin-Bass stop-motion animation.  It’s going to be great, right?  Well, kind of. For a children’;s special, this thing has a confusing plot: Santa gets sick and decides to take the year off. So, to look for a sign of good will, two bumbling elves come to, of all places, the United States, and even worse, The South. A reindeer is locked up in the dog pound, and the only way they let him out is if it snows, so the elves and Mrs. Claus have to get the Snow Miser and Heat Miser to agree to let it snow in the South…. You see what I mean about a complex plot.  It’s really a terrible show, but somehow the misers are like Sirens, whose songs draws me to my own death.  This plays every few days on 25 Days of Christmas, and so I’m sure it will be on at least 5 times in my house before Dec 25^th.

5. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas Spectacular featuring David Archuletta – Ok, first, I like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Some of their Christmas stuff is great. There’s a special from a few years ago with Peter Graves and Tony-winner Audra McDonald that is quite good. But David Archuletta is the only person whose Christmas music I am less interested in listening to than Justin Bieber’s.  Mo-Tab, you’re a 10. Don’t go slumming it with these talentless flavors of the week.

4. The Santa Clause franchise:  Ok, the first one was not terrible.  I stil chuckle at puns like “A Rose Suchock Ladder” and the good use of Judge Reinhold.  The second was ok, partially because I have a thing for Elizabeth Mitchell and because Molly Shannon almost steals the movie.  But the third?  Should’ve just been called “The Search for More Money.”  All of these will be showing on ABC Family.  Check your listings if you need to exceed the recommended allowance of Tim Allen.

3. 8 Crazy Nights. Absolutely one of the worst films I have ever seen.  Literally the only redeeming this about this movie is when it ends, and over the credits Adam Sandler sings a new list of people who are Jewish. Hopefully not showing at any time, but check Comedy Central.

2.  The Polar Express.  Possibly the scariest Christmas movie I’ve ever seen. It doesn’t help that Mandark from Dexter’s Lab is one of the kids we’re supposed to follow and have empathy for. Pointless cameo from Steven Tyler of Aerosmith.  Let me put it this way: next time you watch it, just pretend that all of the characters played by Tom Hanks are, in fact, the same person… and he’s a child molester.  The film makes a lot more sense that way, but it’s much more disturbing.

1. The Christmas Box – There is nothing I hate more than the made for TV version of Richard Paul Evans’ gag-inducing The Christmas Box.  The only story more holiday glurge-inducing than this is Glenn Beck’s The Christmas Sweater, and until they make that into a made for TV movie, this is it.  The good news? Unless grandma has this on VHS, you’re probably safe.

And now the best!

20. Frosty the Snowman/Frosty Returns – who doesn’t need to hear jimmy Durante sing this at least once a year?  Viewing of Frosty Returns is optional.

19. Phineas and Ferb’s Christmas Vacation – This is a new addition to our holiday lineup for this year, but it is an awesome one. Phineas and Ferb are two kids who build amazing contraptions and things in their backyard in order to seize the day and make every day of summer count. And so in their Christmas special, they set out to take care of Santa as he delivers their gifts. Unfortunately, the evil Dr. Doofenschmirtz’s new machine has put everyone in the Tri-State area on the Naughty List, so it’s up to Perry the Platapus to foil his schemes and for Phineas and Ferb to put everything right. Really fun, and something my kids dig a lot, which is more than they can say about some of the more heady items I have on my list this year. -uFjtzE” target=”_blank”>Give it a peek here and watch the rest either on Netflix instant watch or check Nickelodeon.

18. The Simpsons – we sometimes forget The Simpsons started off their full-length tv career with a Christmas episode where they adopt Santa’s Little Helper from the racetrack. They’ve made some other great Christmas episodes since then(Grift of the Magi, Miracle on Evergreen Terrace, ‘Tis the 15th Season), and some less great ones (She of Little Faith– does it need to be so preachy? Although I love the part where Ralph and Milhouse are dressed up as a pony).

17. Futurama – I love Futurama’s take on the holiday season, with a rampaging robot Santa trying to kill everyone. And then last year, literally the day after I publish this guide they knock it out of the park with “The Futurama Holiday Spectacular”, presented by Gunderson’s Unshelled Nuts and hosted by Al Gore, they tell three stories not only of Christmas (where rogue genetically engineered pine trees destroy the earth), but also Robannakuh and Kwanzaa, featuring the voice of Coolio as Kwanzaa-bot. Also, now I want a barking snake.

16. The Hebrew Hammer – an ode to blaxploitation movies of the past, The Hebrew Hammer features a neurotic but ass-kicking Jewish private detective (Adam Goldberg) trying to fight the forces of evil (in this case Andy Dick) from making people not care about Hanukkah. Judi Greer shows up as a love interest and is awesome as always. Some people say it’s dumb but i love it more than I love love a nice dry brisket the way my mother used to make. What? You want that I should not include the one legitimately good Hanukkah movie from my list? Meshuga I say! Be a mensch and watch this. It’s on Netflix streaming, so it’s not like it’s hard to watch. Add it to your instant queue why don’t you?

15. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory – Yes, this is kind of a liberal definition of a holiday movie, but ABC Family, along with several people I know, get very Christmasy feelings about this.  Gene Wilder may as well be a mad Santa Claus, punishing naughty children, and Oompa Loompas his elves.  Plus, he reminds us the important holiday lesson: Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.  Showing a dozen or so times on ABC Family.

14. Rudolph: there are a couple of these, and the original is still a classic.  Island of Misfit Toys is cool, I guess, Christmas in July a bit of a stretch, but when I was a kid Shiny New Year scared the bejeezus out of me.  These will be all over ABC Family, but you can also catch the original Rudolph on Netflix instant watch.

13. [adult swim] The [as] folks have a ton of classic Christmas episodes, some of which are online and other will be surely shown over the coming weeks.  Also, we’re getting a Venture Brother Christmas episode this year!!! Look forward to that, and if we get a sneak peek of it, I’ll be sure to let everyone know.
Some of my favorites to be looking for include American Dad’s Best Christmas Never, in which Stan goes back in time with the Ghost of Christmas past and accidentally causes communism to take over the US, and the episode of King of the Hill where Hank Hill rents a big rig to truck a special holiday delivery to his mom in Arizona, and Peggy and Luanne sit at home and try to write a Christmas carol about it.

Some of my other favorites include Tom Goes to the Mayor: Rats Off To Ya! Of course, there’s also the Squibillies where they eat Santa’s reindeer and hold him hostage, or The Boondocks where Riley goes after Santa (lots of Santa violence here- are we detecting a theme?). Also worth checking out A VeryVenture Christmas, the Space Ghost Christmas special. Oh, and of course, the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past, guest starring Danzig.

12. A Christmas Carol – I am sucker for any version of Dickens’ classic.  Unfortunately, the cable networks are being downright Scroogish with showing of any of these version.  Time to get them on dvd/blu-ray or put in your netflix que! Versions to watch for:

• Patrick Stewart as Scrooge:  C’mon.  Who doesn’t want to see Picard as Scrooge?
• Scrooged: One of Bill Murray’s best. And a different take on the classic tale.
• George C Scott as Scrooge: probably your classic version.  No one plays a curmudgeon like Scott.
• The Muppet Christmas Carol: This might actually be my favorite version.  Michael Caine is one of the best Scrooges ever, and this has some fun with the source material while staying incredibly true to the original.  For example, when visited by the ghost of Jacob Marley, it’s actually Statler and Waldorf playing Jacob and his borther Robert.  Robert Marley.  As in Bob Marley.  And Rizzo is here for the food.
• Mickey’s Christmas Carol. I didn’t put together until much later in life that Scrooge McDuck from Ducktales was actually Uncle Scrooge from A Christmas Carol. A pretty by-the-numbers version of the story, but made up for with good use of classic Disney characters.
• BlackAdder’s Christmas Carol: a different take: the ghost shows up to show what bastards BlackAdder’s relatives were and that he ought to be more of a bastard himself this Christmas.  Streaming on Netflix via Insta-que, so you can check this one out on your schedule.
• Mr. Magoo: It’s on Hulu!  Watch it! And squint at the screen while doing it!  And then watch the episode of The Simpsons where it teaches Homer an important lesson.

11. South Park – just pick some random Christmas episodes, all of which you can watch on the internet by clicking these links:  Woodland Critter Christmas.  Red Sleigh Down.  Mr. Hankey.  A Very Crappy Christmas.And, of course, the animation that started it all: The Spirit of Christmas: Jesus vs Santa (which you probably can get from the bit torrents or in lots of versions of various quality on youtube).  You can’t fail.

10. A Christmas Story – This is a classic in so many senses, but I have never heard a Christmas special be so divisive.  You either worship this and can quote several major parts or you think it is so dumb (include me in the former category and my wife in the latter).  TBS begins a 24 hour marathon on Christmas Eve at 8pm ET.

9. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation – How do you review this? It just simply is.  One of John Hughes best, and my favorite of the movies that feature the Griswolds.  And given Randy Quaid’s recent breakdown into insanity, don’t you want to celebrate the performance that most people associate with him most and he likes least?  Watch it.  Laugh. Repeat.

8. The Grinch.  Thurl Ravenscroft singing “You’re a mean one” is one of the most important parts of our family’s holidays.  We watched the original cartoon on DVD as we decorated our tree this year.  M daughter makes me read the original book to her all year long. And for as much crap as people give the Jim Carrey version, I always enjoyed it.

7. What Would Jesus Buy? (GROAN!  A documentary!?!?!?!)  Yes.  Please watch this. ESPECIALLY this year, since Reverend Billy and his Stop Shopping Choir have been regular fixtures at Zucotti Park as part of the Occupy Wall St movement. From the producers of Supersize Me, it follows the exploits of Reverand Billy Talen of the Church of Stop Shopping and the Stop Shopping Choir on a national tour that goes from New York to the corporate headquarters of Walmart to the Mall of the Americas, culminating in the best Christmas Carol flashmob ever at Disneyland’s Main Street USA.  His activism predicted the financial collapse due to overextension of consumer and household debt. You may not agree with all of Rev Billy’s politics, but he gives a good message: we spend so much time buying more every Christmas yet are less happy.  Why not try buying less and seeing if we have more happiness?  It’s available streaming on Netflix.  Watch 15 minutes of it, and if you’re not entertained, turn it off, but just watch some of it.

6. Bad Santa – this is my favorite salty Christmas treat.  Featuring one of the best (and final) performances of John Ritter, and Lauren Graham as a chick with a Santa fetish, it just isn’t Christmas without seeing this.  It’s not showing on tv, but who wants to see it with everything bleeped out?

5. A Colbert Christmas – Colbert sends up the holiday specials of the past with help from Toby Keith, Jon Stewart, Willie Nelson, Feist, John Legend, and the amazing Elvis Costello. It’s incredibly funny, a little heartwarming, and also has a subtle message of hope and cheer encapsulated by Colbert and Costello’s “There are Much Worse Things” and everyone joining in singing “What’s so Funny About Peace, Love, and Understanding?”  Not showing on Comedy Central (wtf? I’m sure that replay of the Katt Williams special or the Charlie Sheen roast will get better ratings….) as far as I can tell, but I’m sure Colbert just wants you to download it from iTunes or buy the DVD.

4. Charlie Brown “Can’t anyone tell me what Christmas is all about?” Cue Linus and the spotlight. It’s hard to imagine this being made today, not because of the content but because the only reason someone would insert such blatantly pro-Christian messages would only be done to bludgeon people with and as part of some made up controversy about a war on Christmas.  Without a trace of irony or snark, this is the little bit of ginger we need to clear our palate from so much of the other stuff that passes as holiday programming.

3. Star Wars – No, not the Star Wars Christmas Special, although that could be part of it if you’ve managed to bit torrent yourself a copy or bought a pirate dvd from Comic-Con.  I’m talking about actual Star Wars.  This just was always a part of the holidays in my house, that we would watch all three movies of the original trilogy, oftentimes while assembling Legos and playing with the toys we had just opened earlier in the morning. Several years, some cable network would show them.  In recent years, prequels have also been incorporated, but the original trilogy was always a must. And I know I’m not the only family that thinks holidays equals Star Wars.

2. Elf – I’m always amazed at this film and the reminder of pure joy that the holiday season can be. There’s a little bit of snark and irony in here, but more love than anything else. Again, this is one of the most divisive holiday films I know—people either love or hate it. I’m in the former category. USA will be showing this almost daily.  Check their schedule here.

1. It’s a Wonderful Life – This is the movie guaranteed to make me cry every damn year. At one point this movie was ubiquitous on December television due to the owners having let the broadcast rights lapse, so it could be broadcast for free. But for the last decade or so, NBC has only shown it once every year. Luckily for me, they’re showing a digitally restored print at the Alamo Drafthouse and that’s how I’ll watch it this year, with a theater full of people “Hee-haw”ing at the screen and booing and hissing at Old Man Potter. For the rest of you, there was an awesome 60th anniversary edition dvd that came out last year, or you can catch it twice on TV, Sat Dec 3 or Christmas Eve, both at 8pm.

So, there’s my list.  I checked it twice.  But I’m sure I’ve missed some obvious ones.  Sound off in the comments about how you like my taste so much you’d like to meet me under the Mistletoe, or conversely, about where I should stick my figgy pudding for being so dumb.