“American Horror Story: Asylum” Season Premiere Recap!

Directly from FX – this season welcomes viewers “to Briarcliff Manor, a notorious insane asylum home to the deranged serial killer Bloody Face. Lurking in the shadows of this ‘sanctuary of healing’ are terrifying evils that blur the boundaries between reality and insanity.” This is a recap, so be warned of all the giant spoilers ahead.

Well, the show certainly starts with a bang. We meet Leo and Teresa, deviant honeymooners taking a tour of the abandoned and desecrated asylum. Leo and Teresa are not presented as particularly likable – their banter is contrived and they totally seem like the couple you don’t want to go to the club with because you just know they’ll put something in your drink and try to talk you into doing something freaky, but they do provide a little exposition. Through them, we learn of notorious yet mysterious patient “Bloody Face,” a serial killer and Briarcliff’s most famous resident. Their daring acts of honeymoonery are interrupted, however, when Leo sticks his phone down and incinerator shaft and promptly gets his arm ripped off. Cue the opening credits.

We are sent back in time to 1964, to a gas station attended by mildly heroic Kit Walker. Kit is the kind of guy that knows when to stand up to bullies and is madly in love with his new wife, who happens to be African American. Kit and his wife, in a nice juxtaposition to the debauchery of the intro, share a tender moment followed by a sequence straight out of the Darren Aronofsky school of editing. We are treated to crewcut angles and rapid cuts and led to believe that Kit and his wife are being assaulted by aliens.

Cut to Lana Winters, reporter extraordinaire, who has arrived at Briarcliff and claims to be there to do a story on the facility’s bakery, which was developed by Sister Jude and is credited for bringing the asylum back to humane and idyllic standards. Oh and hey there’s a microcephalic young lady being led by Sister Mary Eunice, a possible ray of sunshine in this den of iniquity. The nun, not the microcephalic girl. She drowned a baby. Mary Eunice leads Lana to the office of HNiC (Head Nun in Charge) Sister Jude, who is caught in the act of shaving a nymphomaniac’s head. Shelley (played by Chloe Sevigny) was caught being naughty and as punishment receives a rad skater cut that I would have been totally jealous of when I was 13. Upon being “caught,” Sister Jude gives a great “I dare you to judge me, hippy” look and proceeds to inform Lana and viewers on her archaic views of mental illness. She believes that patients cannot be healed, only saved, and she is sword which God will wield to cleanse monsters from the Earth. The good sister is again interrupted by Mary Eunice, who whispers that the “bad man” has arrived. The viewer learns Lana’s true motivations, as she eagerly pleads for a chance to report on the arrival of the infamous Bloody Face. Ryan Murphy is either madly in love with or desperately loathes Evan Peters, because of course our moral compas, Kit Walker, is Bloody Face. Turns out the rest of the world doesn’t believe the alien invasion story and has accused him of murdering (via beheading) several women and wearing their skin as a mask. Ew. Bloody Face gets an orientation speech from Sister Jude in which it is made very clear what she thinks of him, and then is integrated with the rest of the patients. After meeting patient Grace, who also claims to be sane, Bloody Face is provoked into an altercation with Spivey and of course receives not only the blame, but also a trip to the hole. He receives another visit from Grace, and the viewer is led to believe that she is not only sane, but also compassionate.

We meet Dr. Arden, who is eternally at odds with Sister Jude, but in no way at all does this make him the good guy. He experiments with gamma rays to create new species of flowers (HULK LILY!), and probably definitely experiments on patients as well. In the name of science, of course. We learn that four indigent patients have died at his hands, though he takes no blame in what he claims as diseases taking their course.

The viewer visits Lana at home, where she is a joint-before-dinner type of gal, who also happens to have a girlfriend instead of a husband – oooooh, the 1964 shame! Lana tells her girlfriend she plans on sneaking back to the asylum because of COURSE there’s a story there, and the viewers collectively shout what a bad idea that probably is.

Back at Briarcliff, Sister Jude is making dinner. In a bizarre set of flashbacks, we learn she wears a bright red nightie under her habit. As I am not Catholic, I don’t know if this is inappropriate. She is preparing dinner for Monsignor Howard, the patriarchal benefactor of the asylum. She tries to confront him by narcing on Dr. Arden, but he taunts her with promises of political heights, and she has a graphic fantasy when he tempts her with Mother Superior status. I am not a Catholic, and I know this is inappropriate.

While the monsignor is dining, Mary Eunice is feeding some off camera mystery beasts, at the direction of Dr. Arden. While out in the asylum’s forest, she runs into Lana and is pressured into smuggling her inside. Meanwhile, Dr. Arden has removed ol’ Bloody Face from the hole, and we are left with Kit ominously strapped to an operating table before a cut to commercial.

I’m still interested at this point. There are interesting characters with lots of mysterious potential, and there is an intriguing plot. We return from commercial to check on the armless Leo and the panicking Teresa. She realizes his phone is gone, and upon running to get her own discovers they are now locked in the asylum.

Return to 1964! Lana is trying to bargain a full tour of the asylum from Mary Eunice, while Arden implies a lobotomy is nigh, while Sister Jude performs night watch. The scenes are cut beautifully, with Jude behind (and seemingly unaware of) Lana and Mary Eunice at every turn. Meanwhile, Dr. Arden finds a cyborg spider chip in Bloody Face’s neck, and at this point I wonder if I will be able to watch an entire season to recap it. Lana catches a guard with Nympho Shelley and bargains her way to Bloody Face’s whereabouts but suffers a terrible fall on her way.

Cut to Jude, deriding and chastising Mary Eunice. She’s realized the reporter tried to infiltrate her fort, and though Mary Eunice begs for punishment Sister Jude declines and in a weird way, kinda stands up for Mary Eunice. But poor Lana is in traction, and while the viewer is treated to flashbacks of Jude’s confrontation with Wendy, Jude tells her the story of the blackmail the led poor Wendy into signing Lana’s life away. Sister Jude leaves Lana with Dr. Arden’s stolen lab keys, but discovers a foul stench and with it, Dr. Arden scrubbing a room that totally looks like it was occupied by someone or something that didn’t want to be in it. He denies, and states he only needs the room for storage. He also knows Jude has stolen his keys, and shows he will be a worthy adversary.

Cut to the young lovers. Leo is bleeding out, and Teresa is screaming through the empty hallways. She turns a corner and runs smack dab into . . . *sigh* . . . Bloody Face. Fin.

I don’t know, little robots. The season is starting on nothing but stylistic gimmick – I like the idea of starting a brand new story per season, but the recycling of actors, no matter how grand their talent, is pure pretense. Some of the newer additions, mainly Lily Rabe and Clea DuVall, gave brilliant performances in this episode, and Cromwell was so devious I might start referring to it as the “Cromwell Lange Hour.” The characters have great potential for backstories (was Jude a hooker? I bet she was!) but that really isn’t the point of the show. The aspects of sex in all its forms (lust, love, instinct) and the associated “punishments” that come with it are an undergrad’s dream but I don’t think the show really wants itself to be all that. So I’ll stick around to giggle inappropriately and marvel at the set design and performances and just have a good time. Plus, Zachary Quinto is coming next week.