Will everyone please just stop trying to figure out who is going to be the next villain in the third Batman movie? The Dark Knight came out a month ago, blowing all of our minds and now everyone is going “Hey! Johnny Depp should play The Riddler! Oh! And! And! Angelina Jolie! She’d make an amazing Catwoman!” Well, I have four words for all of you people out there: Shut the fuck up.
After the shitfest that was Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest and At World’s End, plus his craptacular appearance as the pederastic Willy Wonka in Tim Burton’s remake farce that was Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory do we really need to see him run around in a green suit with question marks scrawled all over it? No, not really; let that bastard run around imitating Keith Richards somewhere else.
And Angelina Jolie would not make a good Catwoman. Every time there’s a fucking comic book movie coming out some asshole has to spout out “hey, why not Angelina Jolie?” First it was Ava Lord in the next Sin City movie, then it was Fox in Wanted, then a Tomb Raider III, blah, blah, fucking blah. I can tell you why nerds get such a hard-on for her in comic roles; they want to see her in more skintight outfits. Well, to all those losers out there, just rent Taking Lives, it’s got all the obligatory Angelina Jolie nudity you can shake your stick at, and yes, that was a euphemism. Maybe Angelina Jolie could act once, she did do a great job at playing a skanky sociopath in Girl Interrupted and managed to pull off the whole Gia thing for that made for TV movie… Wait, it wasn’t TV – it was HBO. Let Mrs. Brad Pitt skank her way through a different film, not a Batman one.
It’s been a month people, why don’t we just relish the amazing performances by Aaron Eckhart and Heath Ledger who really disappeared into their roles as Harvey Dent/Two-Face and The Joker? And then, we can let Christopher Nolan take a breather, take a step back from the franchise and film something non-Batman related and then go into the next sequel with a clean mind and fresh ideas. None of this Riddler and Catwoman bullshit.
In other news apparently George Lucas can’t seem to walk away from the well. If the lackluster ratings and box office bomb that is the animated Clone Wars wasn’t enough to pulverize the respect you had for his hot and cold space opera you’ve got another thing coming… Star Wars 3-D; that’s right folks. Señor Jorge Lucas has come up with another way to ruin your original Star Wars experience! Not only now can we see Guido shoot at Han first with bad editing, we can see it in 3-D! Let’s just call a spade a spade and have him not release Star Wars in 3-D, watch the movies on DVD, and then mail him a check for what it would cost for theater admission. It’s a win/win situation; we don’t have to leave our homes, we can watch Star Wars without even more newly added crap, and he gets paid. That’s really what it’s all about now to him anyway: $$$. Why else would we have to suffer through an animated movie, Ewok victory songs? Christmas specials, and now, an upcoming 3-D clusterfuck?
The future of comic book and sci-fi movies looks bright.