I attended my third Salt Lake City Zombie walk this past Sunday. As usual, it was filled with legions of the undead shambling from shady parks to locked down shopping centers and even past the downtown SLC Mormon temple. As the horde I was with patiently waited for the countdown timer of a traffic signal to indicate we could indeed creep safely towards to the next block, I started thinking where would I actually go if indeed the CDC announced they have located Patient Zero.

Earlier this year I wrote a ‘Zombie Manifesto’ and I’m rethinking my stance of holding up in a tavern like the one featured in ‘Sean Of The Dead’. Writing this from the perspective of living in the city of salt, my next choice would have been the Governor’s Mansion. Built in 1902, I would assume it had been fortified to withstand emergencies of a natural and/or supernatural sort. That was until I was informed by our own Swankmotron who replied with a definitive ‘Are you kidding?’. When it comes to making sure Salt Lake doesn’t end up being a ‘Battle Of Yonkers’ the City County Building would be the spot (per Swank). Four entrances, a pristine vantage point from the clock tower and a catacomb of tunnels that run underneath.

The more I think about it, these would be my top three locations when all hell breaks loose.

Draper Prison
Taking a page out of the ‘Walking Dead’s handbook, for the main cast of characters in the comic it was the longest lasting location they settled in for any period of time (seven months). The prison sits twenty miles southwest of the downtown area and has all the amenities you would expect a maximum security outfit to have. Lets say, a perimeter with a wall five thousand feet long and nineteen feet high, enclosing an area of thirty five acres. I’m sure you would have to deal with the ‘prisoners’ lurking inside. Ease of disposal depends on if they’re out, or still in their cages. With sufficient fortification, a decent number of survivors, and well planned strategy for dealing with the Zombie hordes you should be able to clear out most of the undead in the immediate vicinity of your stronghold. Then again, almost any fixed fortification can be overrun or battered down. Even if the Zombies don’t get inside your stronghold, you will be trapped there and likely die of malnutrition, dehydration, disease, or end up killing yourself.

Boat convoy on Colorado river
Assuming that you can’t get your hands on a Nimitz Class Aircraft Carrier, the type where the Nuclear reactor makes it so it doesn’t require refueling for twenty years (probably more, as you wouldn’t be moving all the time) and also guarantees infinite fresh water. One that you can make a farm on the decks, has plenty of storage and room for your non zombie friends and most likely tons of weaponry, etc. Than…the second best bet would be to secure ANY available watercraft and make the Colorado river your home. One issue I can see with this is that, this kind of set up would attract human raiders wanting your piece of paradise. Make sure you have an escape plan a.l.a Jetpack and/or Hot Air Balloon if all else fails.

Any location with the ability to run
The best Zombie defense is your ability to run. If we follow the classical Zombie construct and NOT the new “Infected” idea that people have. Shambling Zombies are slow, thick and pretty limited mobility wise, but in groups they are dangerous. Best bet is tight clothing, light clothing and short hair. Nothing they can grab onto and nothing to attract them. Bikes are a great movement source, faster than running and pretty quiet. Also, Location, location, location! Your ‘home’ must be on high ground, so when the Zombies you destroy fall down, they will roll AWAY from instead of towards it. This helps keep your walls from being overrun by the Zombie dogpile. And if worse comes to worse, hope an armored train. Criss-cross the country as needed. Conserve fuel. Beats a sinking ship or an overrun building. Plus you can dismount and forage. Or perhaps, do what any intelligent Romero-watcher ought to do, head down to an island off the coast. After the island is cleared, agriculture should be possible. New Zombies reaching the island by walking across the sea bed shouldn’t happen, as they’d be crushed by the extreme depth of water. Anyone else turns up wanting my island and they’ll have to submit to King Some Guy. Don’t disobey me or you’re ALL going in the Zombie Pit.

-Dagobot