I decided not to watch this movie, not only because I hated the first one, but also because I thought it looked pretty horrible in it’s own light. Shortly after my declaration,  swearing an oath on the Holy Book to never watch Transformers 2, I was told by my girlfriend that I was going anyway.

I arrived expecting nothing, which it delivered with a desert eagle aimed right at my brain. I am constantly surprised to see how many explosions I can watch, and still leave the cinema shouting, “I have never been this bored, and I’ve watched all the prequels!” I would have literally enjoyed staying home flushing my life’s savings down the toilet one bill at a time, more.

The only thing I told myself going in was, “It couldn’t be worse than the first one, they wouldn’t be that stupid.” I’m just glad I can admit it when I’m wrong. It was much worse than the first one, and the first one had Jon Voight in it.

I guess I’m forced into a position to explain what went right with the first one that made it better than the second one, and that’s this: It wasn’t so flagrantly wasting my time. How much time should it take to make me believe Shia Lebeof is going to college? The trailer said it well enough in thirty seconds, this is not a rhetorical question.

I think some of the problems were just accentuated because they weren’t fixed from the first movie as well. EG: How many times can your machine gun not do anything to a transformer before you stop sending Tyrese to shoot a transformer with a machine gun? Three movies?

I don’t remember how bad the slow motion was in the first movie, but I get sick of slow motion and no audio after a very short time, Especially if you have helicopters flying by in the background in slow motion paying homage to your own bad film, Bad Boys II, I had the urge to yell out, “Shit just got real.” at least five times during the motion picture. I don’t understand how the studio would allow six continuous pages of script that have the header, “Shot in extremely slow motion!” Wow this movie was bad.

I thought some of the robot action was cool, but that’s about all I can say in defense of the whole film. I still don’t think the story managed to be as cool as the Transformers cartoon movie. Sometimes I wish I could talk to the directer after the film, and then ask to speak to his manager. (You know to get him fired.) Sadly we live in a world where idiots aren’t stopped from doing idiotic things.

In retrospect, I thought Ravage was pretty cool, but I thought Sound Wave was preposterously dumb. Megan fox is hot, but she is also a horrible actress. Giant fighting robots are radical, but it was directed by Michael Bay. It wasn’t close to a fair trade off. There was far more bad in the movie, than good.

Since we are talking about a Michael Bay film I thought I should end with a joke about flatulence, but I don’t know how to tell one over the internet. So in place, I will just tell you something funny to say after you fart that will turn it into a joke. “Oops.”

Don’t go see this movie!