The world can be a dark and lonely place. Especially when the credits start at the beginning of a movie and there is bad music that is sounds as if its trying to make you think its going to be a great sci-fi movie for the 1960’s. Problem being that this weeks pick was done in 1992.

My first initial thought was the Terminator cybering online. After I delved into the depth of my soul to figure out why I would possibly think that I came to the conclusion that Japan’s influence in weirdness and bizarre culture has made me think in ways that I hope my children never experience. My second thought was that it was going to be a Terminator style rip off.

It starts out with two cyborgs running around all creepy like in the dark. Then they nod to each other and look at the camera. Cut to a room with a dresser and on the dresser are glass bricks. I like me a good glass brick but there are just too many for this first scene. Enter drunk middle age man and woman who looks like Cindy Lauper but not as cute. He’s a Senator… his wife is back in washington campaigning for MOOP (pronounced mop for anyone that cares) a.k.a. Mother’s Outraged Over Prostitution. Her Senator husband just hired a prostitute apparently. The Hooker spazzes out on the bed. Senator guy tries and mounts her and her throat has been cut so I figure she’s having nerve fires that causes her body to shake. I don’t know… What’s going on?

Enter the two Cyborgs from the opening. First lets call him Helmet, and the Second we will call him Rasta Man since the surgical tubing coming from his bald skull looks almost like the dreads that the twins had in Matrix Reloaded. Blonde is there also with a big rack and fingernails. Blonde kills the Senator. Cut to a city that tries to look Cyber Punkish like Blade Runner but fails horribly.

I have a problem with strippers. They never dance intoxicating enough. Its always shimmy shimmy girate grind shimmy grind. A friend of mine once danced to a Russian song with such grace and erotic qualities that I had trouble looking at her the same for days afterwards. That’s how these strippers should dance. A girl I once dated said “How you dance reflects how you are in the bedroom.” To which I honestly replied (the relationship was almost over anyway) “You must be an epileptic then.” That’s how this stripper that just came on screen dances.

Cut outside club, crickets chirp, token black man shows up. They flip to see who will pay to enter club, coin lands on a newspaper that states “Third Senator Assassinated.” They enter and they stand in front of an old 70’s style flagstone fireplace… wtf? I have that same fireplace at my home. Why would that be in a club? Nine minutes into the movie you see the Secret Service guarding stairs… I’m not sure what’s going on here at all. This club seriously looks like a High school Auditorium. The new girl on stage takes off her top and Yeah! Alright! Wooo! Wait…. damn you! She’s wearing pasties. This had the potential to be a bad movie, now its slipped into horrible.

Girl comes off stage, straddles who I assume is the main character. Token black guy sits down and talks to her. She responds by DIRECTLY looking into the camera even though he’s behind her to the left. Way to break the fourth wall! Ok Cyborgs go kill Secret Service. I see a fraction of a second of nippleage from a woman in bed with a guy. Cyborgs kill them also. Main character is doing summersaults down by the bar where there is NO ENEMY! They Cyborgs are upstairs. What the hell?!? There are machine gun sounds but laser blasts with a rifle and they are poor laser blasts.

At this point I realized I had to cut this down quite a bit or else It would be about six pages of review pointing out every flaw I can see with this movie. So from here on out is the condensed version.

Rasta man and another guy shoot someone who looks like Colonel Sanders in a business suit. Scientist chick has glasses I bet she’s cute… OH GOD! The glasses look like they were made for Andre the giant and on her head… ew… The army may have something to do with the Cyborgs. Scientist dude tells the cops to meet him. They are running late, hookers entice the scientist dude, he tells them to go away. Rasta man shows up and kills him. Cops run around the corner. I swear the token black guy is a freaking bullet magnet. This is their second combat engagement and he’s been shot twice now. Black guy dies. Rasta reports to his Commanding officer. Gives description of main cop. Crooked nose and blue eyes, so this the Colonel says “Of course, after all this time…” WTF? How are you suppose to identify someone off that description? I know two guys that have bent noses and blue eyes and they aren’t cops.

I would comment on the next forty minutes of the movie but all that really happens is speculation, lock picking, and speculation about assassinations. Oh and the main character is a Cyborg that doesn’t look like one and he’s ex army for some reason. He gears up in Boondock Saints style and heads out for the final showdown.

And this is where I 100% lost interest in this film. Remember my earlier comment about dancing? Well there is a woman attempting to do the same dance that my friend did. She has to weigh around 350lbs. I’m going to go into a corner and cry now. No woman that size should ever wear belly dancer clothing. You aren’t suppose to have a belly that dances in the opposite direction that you do. One guy looks at her like he is confused to why she even exists. No worries mate, I feel your confusion and pain. The really sad part is that her belly is covered by the thong that you could make a tent out of.

One Cyborg dies on an electric fence. Main guy breaks into a facility and I swear the silver beardless Ron Jeremy shows up with a camo shirt. Guy breaks his neck, uses his hand to access further parts of the facility. Door opening sound effect continues long after the door has closed. Main dude is trying to be sneaky but he’s acting more like he’s slow motion dancing. Enter Ninja Bot. And he gets shot with a shotgun… I wanted more there. There is a gun main guy is holding and the sight on the gun is just a pair of binocs painted black. That looks retarded! Rasta and he get into a fight with music that sounds like its from a bad 1990’s nintendo rpg. He pulls out Rasta’s tubes and the guy bleeds to death.

There is a showdown with the Colonel who is his brother. They talk, shots fired. There’s a struggle. Main guy shoves a pipe through him into a nuclear waste tank. More bad music. Colonel dies. Army Major and some doctor guy are talking on a couch. Tear gas, Bad language on mirror. Then it ends at near sunset with a car. Main guy and girl kiss. Then it ends… yeah… that makes a hell of a lot of sense.

So here comes the breakdown…

Cast – 5: William Smith plays Draaga in Justice League. That’s the only reason.
Plot – 3:  Story is not as bad as it could of been but its not good either.
Action – 4: Some good kicks delivered but nothing worth mentioning
Effects – 4: Squibs (blood packs) look good, regular gun effects look good. Lasers suck.
Music – 3: Decent enough to listen to when you are smoking a bong
Final Score – 19

19 out of a possible 50, not too bad really for a film like this. The only time I would recommend watching it is with a group of like minded or possibly intoxicated individuals. This would be a great one to make fun of. All in all its a bad movie.

There you have it, Cybernator… now you don’t have to watch it.