Dear Sextelligence:

Is putting your wiener in a hot-dog bun, lathering it with relish, taking a picture and then mailing said picture to your drop dead gorgeous neighbor a good idea??? Please reply…the relish is going bad.
-Tyrannosaurus-Sex

Dear T-Sex,

Is it alright if I call you T-Sex? Anyway, when I read your question, I had to double check I wasn’t recalling some nutso Depression-era Grandma’s interpretation of how long relish stays fresh. I googled it. And a fair estimate is that relish has a shelf life of one year, six months. This leaves us with one of two problems. Either 1) you’ve had your penis dressed like a hot dog for *over* one year, six months and the relish is finally stinky or 2) you’ve opted to slather your member with a gamey condiment. Either way, I’m not so much interested in answering your question as congratulating you on staying out of the loony bin. Seriously dude, people have been locked up for feeling blue and you’re sprinting around with a hot dog penis, unencumbered. Good work.

As far as the hot neighbor, I would only try giving her the photo if she invites you to an MLM network marketing meeting. Otherwise, save it for a rainy day, like a bad blind date. She’ll never see that shit coming and you are assured a hasty exit.

Dear Sextelligence:

Will this column include bare naked boobs? And if not, why not?
-Kill-Tacular-Tron

Dear Kill-Tacular-Tron,

I’m so glad you wrote. This column will absolutely include bare naked boobs, and thank God you’ve agreed to be our first centerfold! I’m a classy robot gal, so please groom any chest hair prior to sending in your photos. I believe they call that manscaping. Ya…please manscape.

Dear Sextelligence,

How can I get the girls to dress up like female super heroes when we have sex? Leather, wigs, cat ears, tails. The whole deal.
Please help!
-Cyborg Robot M.D.

Bless your heart, Cyborg Robot, but let’s be honest. I think your real question is in there if we look deeply. Here is the question I read: How can I get the girls to (delete: dress up like female super heros when we) have sex. Here’s the answer. Start simple. In the beginning, you are your own best friend. Literally. Once you’re the master of your domain, work your way up to a dinner date with a real girl. Do your best not to blurt our nerd comments about your extensive action figure collection. If you play your cards right, you may get to buy her dinner for a few weeks before we’re ready for some more coaching. God speed.