Boys! I have shocking news to share. Stick with me for this, it will come back around to good news.

I’ll just spit it out.

We really aren’t that into you. I’ll clarify. WE (girls who like boys) like having sex with and hanging out with YOU (boys who like hanging out and having sex with girls). What we aren’t into, which likely comes as a shock (ah hem, Proletariatron) is that your fancy dancy penis (and photographic evidence of said penis) is not very persuasive dating data. And I don’t mean you need to work harder to prove it’s extraordinary size, girthy-ness, bulbous end or whatever to convince a girl that your penis is different.

This almost-universal fact, that women could give a shit about your penis, is based on women’s strongly held feelings that as long as your penis is mostly-functioning and not freakishly mishapen, we don’t care. I know! I know!  Your proud member is different! It will lure the ladies like juggalos to a Tila Tequila appearance. You’ve seen the scenarios on Driving Miss Daisy Crazy and Shaving Ryan’s Privates. The ladies love penis. Let me assure you, you have been sold a distorted bill of goods.

I can help you understand this hard-to-grasp concept from a woman’s mind. Imagine an amazing, rich lasagna dish made with thick, meaty egg noodles and delicious garlic meat sauce. Now, imagine the Italian sausage used to make this meal in its pre-cooked state. If I were to describe the sausage, I may use the words stinky, coated with a strange viscous substance, composed of mysterious materials, etc. Still need explanation? You are the lasagna. Wonderful, delicious, potentially heart-stoppingly bad for us, but still beloved. Without all your trappings and stripped down to your bare ingrediants, you’re just…well, I’ll let you pick your own adjective. Sorry boys, I just deal with the facts here.

Now, the good news.

Given this revelation, you can confidently ignore or decline requests from girlfriends, potential internet lovers, or responses to your Craigslist sofa ad begging for photos of your penis. You know the secret. Share the gospel with your friends. The women in their lives will thank you.

Editor’s Note: Remember, you can ask Sextelligence questions in the comments or in the forum, and they don’t have to be sex related. (They’ll end up that way but they don’t have to be.)