“You know what’s the best thing about you British? Octopussy. Why, I must have seen that movie …twice! “ — Homer Simpson, “Lisa’s Wedding”
Quite possibly the nadir of creative bankruptcy in the Bond universe, Octopussy abandons all pretense of the Bond films being serious spy thrillers and double entendres for by-the-numbers action sequences and simple, beat-you-over-the-head-with-lack-of-subtlety innuendo in an attempt to compete with rogue Connery Bond flick Never Say Never Again.
The “plot” revolves around counterfeit Faberge eggs and a smuggling/money laundering scheme to fund rogue Soviet general Orlov who is intent on. . . taking over Europe? Starting a war between the US and the USSR? I’m a little fuzzy on the details because the plot was so nonsensical. But before the end of the movie, Bond is literally in a monkey suit and then clownshoes as he infiltrates a circus, which is somehow a front for smuggling the counterfeit jewels and nuclear weapons? Confused?
What’s to understand? Octopussy. Clownshoes. That’s about it.
A film this crap-tastic deserves more than one robot to take it down. Let’s set our insult-servos to 11 and discuss this “film.”
Citizen-Bot: I’m going to start by saying something nice. Taking most of the film to India and having Bond face off against traditional Indian weapons was kind of cool. And Bond escaping from a hunting party that was riding on elephants? Also ok. And Maud Adams, not so bad– stupid name, but ok character. But what otherwise would just be mediocre in the oeuvre of Bond stands out as good things in this film. And, overall, I think I liked it more than Never Say Never Again. Can anyone else say one nice thing about Octopussy?
Swank-mo-tron: You know, this might be the first time where Roger Moore is truly in on the joke. This movie is so absurd that when it opens with the clown on the run for his life, you know exactly where this movie is heading.
Citizen-Bot: Seriously, Octopussy vs Never Say Never Again. Moore’s Bond looks older than Connery’s Bond, doesn’t he? Moore needed to have retired as Bond 3 movies ago. But at least he’s not mumbling/chewing his words like Connery had started to. And at least there’s no literal winking at the camera. In any case, I feel more like “a plague on both your houses” at this point. Truth? I had to skip a couple of movies and watch The Living Daylights to cleanse my Bond palate after these. That’s how bad they are.
Swank-mo-tron: I was in the same boat. After the business of the man with the yo-yo buzz saw who had to find himself 10 feet above everyone else in every set, I had to re-watch On Her Majesty’s Secret Service and The Living Daylights as a sort of Bond eye-bleach.
Citizen-Bot: I’m not sure what exercises we’re supposed to believe Bond has been doing to make his fingers so keenly strong. He spends the better part of the second half of the movie clinging to window ledges, train cars, airplanes, mountains. Again, it doesn’t have to be 100% plausible, but don’t take us for idiots.
Swank-mo-tron: I find all of that far more believable than the idea that James Bond would be called in because somebody found a Faberge egg and was selling it. I’m not even sure why they were buying it… Because they were replacing it with a nuclear bomb? I don’t know. This movie made so little sense that it made my brain hurt.
Citizen-Bot: Here’s a piece of trivia: the US General at the circus at the end? Bruce Boa. Guy who played General Rieken in Empire Strikes Back, continuing our strong of Hoth-Bond connections from For Your Eyes Only. And I didn’t know that going in– I looked him up because I thought it might be Jim Backus (who was the voice of Mr. Magoo, Thurston Howell II the millionaire on Gilligan’s Island, but I’ll always remember him as the Mayor of Passamaquoddy in Pete’s Dragon) But aside from that little birdwalk, I’m not sure if being in my favorite movie of all time at least absolves him from being in this terrible one? You win this round, Boa.
Swank-mo-tron: You know who else played a General in this picture? Richard LaParmentier. The guy who played Admiral Motti in A New Hope. And Lieutenant Santino in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?. How do you top that? You get your life saved by James Bond in clown make up. I’ve spoken to Richard on many occasions and asked him about this. He quickly diverted the conversation to his work on REDS. And who he would have rather seen play Eddie Valiant.
Citizen-Bot: And there you have it. Once again, your encyclopedic knowledge of Star Wars outshines even mine. Oh, and this is also the second appearance of Jeremy Bulloch as Smithers, an assistant in Q Branch. He was the guy in the Boba Fett suit in Empire and Jedi. But, you know what’s even cooler than a Star Wars nerd trivia-off? The idea of a team of elite female assassin acrobats. You know what doesn’t get pulled off well? That. Octopussy’s team of femme fatales is supposed to be pretty formidable, but pair them against a few guys with Kalashnikovs and they suck so bad they let their leader get kidnapped. Dumb. Also dumb? Setting the final action sequence and somehow Bond is only involved starting halfway in, as he inconspicuously floats in with Q in a hot air balloon adorned with the Union Jack. Secret agent my ass. Also? Backgammon. Not cool. Not now, not in 1983. Who thought that was a good idea? And right after I’d learned the rules of baccarat so I could follow the action better. . .
Swank-mo-tron: Yeah, I was frustrated by the Backgammon. But this movie doesn’t take itself too seriously, so I’m pretty ambivalent about it. Watching it with the kids was a laugh. 2 martinis.
Citizen-bot: If I gave this two martinis, they would be strictly for Richard LeParmentier and Bruce Boa– for their work elsewhere. Despite the fact that this movie was becoming self-parody rather than legitimate Bond movie, at least it didn’t take itself too seriously. That doesn’t make up for the fact that the plot is incomprehensible. There were some good things about it, but they didn’t, for me at least, make up for the shortcomings. I just go with one and a half martinis.
