I had a chance this week to see the fourth installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise and I have to say I was initially excited. I pretty much hated the first three films in the franchise (the first was the best, but that’s not saying much), but when the trailers for this newest film came out I was actually looking forward to it. They had gotten rid of my two biggest problems from the first part of the series (Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly) and added two of my favorite actors (Penelope Cruz and Ian McShane.)
Though they traded up with the supporting cast, I’m sorry to report that they didn’t really fix any of the other problems with the franchise.
The script might be one of the worst I’ve ever borne witness to and the entire film was plodding and boring. I checked my watch repeatedly through the film. And it wasn’t just me. My kids came with me and they loved the Pirates franchise. Halfway through the film my 8 year old daughter handed me her 3D glasses and said, “Dad, can you just tell me when it’s a funny or exciting part?”
Maybe some of the parts would have been funny or exciting if they’d been built by competent screenwriters not trying to just rip off Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade in the most ham-fisted way possible. Though it’s one of my least favorite Indiana Jones pictures, at least Last Crusade made a logical sense and had set ups that were paid off and characters that made sense (except for Marcus Brody in the last half, but that’s a different article.) Nothing about this latest pirates movie made sense. Exposition was dropped into the dialogue with all the grace of a 400 pound pig dressed as a hooker.
To start, Jack Sparrow has allegedly been adventuring for the Fountain of Youth for a while but, for reasons beyond me, he knows nothing about it. (I was told it was because he was bullshitting everyone about searching for it, but if that’s true, why did he have the map?) In order to get him out of one of the most plodding and boring action sequences in the movie (the first one) his dad (Keith Richards, reprising his role) shoots a British soldier in the back and takes his boy for a drink… Every line he has is dripping with poorly written exposition and then he vanishes. Seriously. Literally. Into thin air. Nary a word is spoken about him for the rest of the film. What the hell?
Then Jack Sparrow fights Penelope Cruz who is dressed as his doppleganger. There’s a really long, stupid explanation for it, that they take time out of a major action sequence (their fight) to explain it.
Blah, blah, blah. A whole bunch more stuff happens that’s boring and then they’re all adventuring for the Fountain of Youth. Blackbeard (I’m evil because I’m evil) is trying to live longer. Geoffrey Rush’s character is after him for some off-screen wrong done him. And the Spanish are also after the Fountain. They actually start the movie, appear twice, briefly in the middle, and then once at the end. It made no sense.
I’m seriously getting angry writing about the amateur nature of the writing. Films this expensive should spend MORE money on a good script, but these guys went lowest common denominator and hired the guys who wrote the first three Pirates movies. As though they hadn’t ALREADY sucked it up enough. I hope they don’t get anymore work… The screenplay was just awful. None of the character turns made sense. It’s like they got to the end of the movie and said, “Oh yeah, the characters need to change,” so they had the Mermaid save the people who tortured her (which didn’t make sense) and Penelope Cruz want to kill Jack Sparrow for not letting her sacrifice her life.
Ugh.
Since I don’t want my blood pressure to get too high, I’ll move on to the visuals. I’ll say this: DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE IN 3D. The 3D is garbage and mutes the colors. I spent half the movie with my glasses off and it looked prettier and more vibrant, if not slightly more blurry. 3D for this film is a waste of your money.
Actually, 2D is a waste of your money on this film, too.
The only thing worth anything in this movie was the music, which was a pretty good rehash of the only thing worth anything from the last three movies. Let me save you a whole bunch of time and money: Go buy the soundtrack to the film and play it for the whole family. For $12 you and the whole family can enjoy, in perpetuity, the only thing worth enjoying about this film.
And since people are going to shit themselves to pay for this piece of crap, we’re almost certain to get another one of these films. Here’s a nickel’s worth of free advice to Disney: NEXT TIME HIRE A COMPETENT WRITER AND NO ONE WILL LEAVE YOUR FILM HATING IT….