Reports are coming in from all over that well beloved and eminent sage Silent Bob is dead at age 45. The man, who many knew affectionately as “Lunchbox” or “Fatty” is said to have died in a freak wilderness accident earlier today involving a raging mutated moose, ironically, near Moose Jaw Canada.
Residents spanning over 250 square kilometers reported hearing a booming voice around 2:30 this afternoon proclaiming, “I just finished writing the scene where, spoilers, Silent Bob gets eaten by the moose. That’s how he f—ing goes out!” Residents were horrified when the voice followed up with “Isn’t that fun?”
Less than two hours later Bob’s death was confirmed via coroner’s report. This paper reached out to Bob’s hetero life mate and best friend, Jay, for comment. Jay was understandably upset by the day’s events but took a moment to speak with us stating, “What the f—k!?” Our thoughts and prayers go out to him in his time of need.
Silent Bob was many things. He was a philosopher, a dancer, a trench coat enthusiast, but most of all, he was a good friend. Bob was soft spoken, a man of few words, but the content of his few musings remind us that quality is more important the quantity.
He is survived by his many varied friends spanning two coasts and two continents, and by his hetero life mate, Jay. Memorial services will be held on Sunday at 3:00 PM in front of the Quick Stop in Leonardo, NJ, mourners are encouraged to bring lasagna. The service will be followed by a brief moment of silence.
Goodbye fat ass, fly.
UPDATE: Kevin Smith is alive and well, thank God herself!
Smith is currently on tour down under with Jason Mewes, the duo are doing their live stage shows. According to a report from news.com.au Smith was talking about the progress of his True North Trilogy when the comments regarding the character’s future were made.
The final installment, “Moose Jaws” is in the script writing stage and Smith remarked on his progress saying, “I just finished writing the scene where, spoilers, Silent Bob gets eaten by the moose. That’s how he f—ing goes out! Isn’t that fun? I was talking to Jay about Moose Jaws and I’m like, ‘I’m thinking about bringing us in as the Captain Quint character’. And he goes, ‘Yeah, but Quint gets killed!’ I was like, ‘One of us has to get eaten’. And he was like, ‘You. Not me’. I was like, ‘Why?’ And he was like, ‘Because I wanna be in other movies!’ Fair enough, dude. So, rather than let him go out with dignity,” Smith laughs, “he’ll be eaten by a f—ing moose.”
This doesn’t mean it will be the last time we will see the character on the screen, he is slated to return for the sequel to “Mallrats” and the third “Clerks” installment. Just know that when the character does finally meet his maker, it is at the hands of a moose. Where’s Suzanne when you need her?