Swank-mo-tron: So, any self-respecting nerd-bot should have been to the movies by now to see the latest installment of the Indiana Jones saga, The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. My initial impressions of it are two-fold: 1) I don’t think it was as good as the others, but this is a trend in Indiana Jones films. The sequel was never better than the previous installment. 2) I can get behind the 50’s atomic age sci-fi stuff better than others seem to be able to. Overall, I enjoyed the film and had a great time watching it, although I understand that it made a few missteps. But I don’t care about the missteps. It’s a cheesy 50s sci-fi movie with Indiana Jones in the lead. All of the supporting characters worked for me (except Marion, I think they should have brought Lawrence Kasdan in to write her) and Cate Blanchett worked as the heavy, although I never really felt like there was much at all at stake. (Which was one of the major weaknesses of the film.) That being said, I think they should have called it Indiana Jones and the Saucer Men from Mars instead of what they named it. Yes, it would have been a dead giveaway, but it would have worked.

Humanjunk: The Crystal Skull raped my childhood. It was hard to tell what was worse Shia LaBeouf’s greaser façade straight out of The Outsiders or Cate Blanchett’s horrid accent. To tell you the truth I was half expecting Ralph Macchio to stroll out with 3rd degrees and gasp out “Stay gold Pony Boy” to Mutt Jones. Between the asinine psychobabble of John Hurt and Karen Allen’s monkey face the story’s pace and action sequences felt as decrepit as Harrison Ford himself. I found myself in a constant “why don’t they just fucking do this or do that” throughout the entire film.

I’m all about keeping up with the 50’s atomic age, red scare, men from Mars concept, but the stakes never really rose and I didn’t feel like the characters were in any danger. The lovey dovey subplot between Marion Ravenwood and Indiana Jones had absolutely no passion. Latent with killer fire-ants, interdimensional beings and a psychic KGB agent that didn’t do anything psychic other than saying “you’re hard to read Dr. Jones” this movie lacked the heart and soul the first three had. Jesus Tittyfucking Temple of Doom had more soul than this vapid money grab of a popcorn flick. What a snoozer.

Swank-mo-tron: Raped your childhood? That would somehow imply that The Great Bearded ones abducted you, forced you to watch the movie and raped you in the ass while doing so. I would bet dollars to donuts that you bought your own ticket and brought way too much baggage in with you.

Neotron: This movie was an amazingly joyous retreat from a cockroach filled film office. I put my 12 year old glasses on and held on for the ride. It delivered everything I needed. The opening “American Graffiti” homage was nice yet starkly different from an Indy opening. The title sequence seemed rather requisite and it took a while for the “Oh shit, something’s going down” plot to happen. The Atom Bomb, Area 51, and Indy running around a 50s town full of bomb test manniquins felt out of place, but strangely perfect. The warehouse sequence was good yet the script seemed to be chaotic and meandering. And this set up the rest of the film. With my adult glasses on, Koepp’s screenplay was lazy, unfocused and all over the place with no real building of gripping tension or the suspense of something at stake. It had a “Lost” and “Spiderman 3” problem also. Way too many main characters vying for screen time and one-liners. I really would have liked to see what Frank Darabont had come up with. But anyways, the film was exciting, funny, and nostalgic. And I loved it. Sure all the CGI in the end felt very un-Indy and VERY Phantom Menace. Sure, Tarzan Mutt was ridiculous. Sure, the re-incarnation of Lucas’ Ewoks was head-slappingly dumb. And the CGI alien in the end? Didn’t it look almost exactly like the aliens in “Close Encounters”? Hell, why didn’t they just CG Richard Dreyfuss in there to retrieve the skull? Well, if I had to sum up the only problem with the movie it would be this: George Lucas. It reminded me of the Star Wars prequels. Often good, mostly OK, but always just missing greatness.

Swank-mo-tron: You guys don’t deserve George Lucas.

Mookatron: I caught a 10pm show of “Crystal Skull” on opening night (who knew robots got the Senior rate?!?!?), ran it through my critique circuits and here we go. I really liked this movie, there was a lot it did really well. Highlights for me were the bike chase, the scene at his desk with pics of Brody and Dad, the changing perspective of Indy being a son to Indy being a father, and more. I give it a solid three stars. Lots of fun, a thrill ride, perfect flick for summer…blah, blah, blah. It’s Indiana Jones for heck’s sake. I don’t think I need to pimp it, do I? I think it’ll make a few dollars here and there. On the other hand, here are my beefs. The things that kept “Crystal Skull” from being a great movie instead of the good movie I think it is. First off, let’s all agree that they should release a special edition of the movie WITHOUT the monkey scene. George just can’t let that “nature will band together and defeat evil” story beat go, will he? Sheesh. Next, being blown a good two or three miles through the air in a fridge (faster than a speeding car full of Commrades mind you) and our hero rolls out pretty much unscathed? C’mon! That just might be the biggest problem for me. Going back to “Raiders,” Indy does some incredible things (sliding under a moving truck, surviving while hanging on to a submarine, etc.), but they never felt like things that were impossible. Fantastic and incredibly difficult? Sure, but impossible? Nope. If they’d had Mutt swing on a vine, then not find another one and end up falling 10 or 15 feet to the ground I would have gone with it. But no, he has to go all Tarzan and somehow muster up a squadron of monkeys to help him get back at the Russians. Yikes. There must have been half a dozen cars in driveways along Atomic City, there was even an ice cream truck. Indy escaping in an ice cream truck? Funny AND plausible. Anyway, don’t avoid it, it’s a great ride, and seeing Indy on screen again after so many years is worth the ticket price alone.

Doctor Cyborg Robot M.D. Attorney at Law: George Lucas must be stopped! I kept my mouth shut for the prequels, but this is getting ridiculous. I didn’t like the film, but only because they labeled it Indiana Jones, there were some fun moments, sure, there were some cool action sequences, fine, but they all felt cheap and lacked depth. Which is fine if I were watching the Adventures of Chet Chesterfield, but it’s not okay when I am told I am about to see an Indiana Jones movie. Everyone has already commented about the CG monkey sequence so I guess I can stay away from that, but seriously what surrounded the monkey sequence felt like “Pirates of the Caribbean 3: The Worst Movie Ever.” I hated that so many exterior shots felt like a bad set, I hated that Karen Allen lost the ability to act, so they told her to just smile. I felt cheated , and then the alien skeletons combined into one and fried Cate Blanchett, that might have been nonsense.

There were definitely some things to like about the movie, but they did not out weigh the bad, and most the time came with a sour after taste I.E. the nuclear bomb. I just thought that Indiana Jones was better than that.

Swank-mo-tron: I think you’re letting the few silly moments and the weaker than neccesary script get in the way of just enjoying the movie for what it is: a popcorn flick modeled after bad 50’s sci-fi.

Mookatron: Mentioning the bomb reminded me of a thought I had as that image of Indy standing a couple miles (at best) away from the nuclear fury of an atomic mushroom cloud unfolded before my eyes: “I think now they can do another movie that takes place 5 years later called “Indiana Jones and the Chemotherapy Sessions of Death.”

Humanjunk: Hopefully the radiation from that a-bomb left Indiana Jones franchise sterile to avoid any future sequels.

Neotron: Having slept on it, George Lucas is still an idiot.

Ewok Monkeys. Ewok Monkeys. Mother Fucking Ewok Monkeys.

Also, I wanted to point out all the plot holes, but my email would crash from listing all 1,243,900 of them.

Still, I had fun watching it. And it’s going to make a ton of money. And we all know that George Lucas needs all the money he can get… So that he can screw up the Star Wars TV series and further ruin all of our beloved nostalgia of back when he was a pissed off divorced nerd who actually made decent films.

Swank-mo-tron: George Lucas didn’t ruin anything. It was your egos and ids that won’t allow you to enjoy these things like kids any longer. Also, Crystal Skull has waaaaaaaay less plot holes than any ten minute stretch of the Matrix. And we all know the Matrix has the most per-minute plot holes in bad movie history.

Also, Ewoks are cool.

Budgetron: I’m seeing it tomorrow…I hope I love it. I’ll report tomorrow and discuss it on the geekshow podcast I will be linking on BSR.

Clang! Boom! Steam!: Wow, Budgetron is beating me to a movie. I think I have a bad motivator. I’ll post Sunday afternoon so you’ll know what to think of it.

Budgetron: The only reason I’m seeing it so early, Clang!, is because I need to see it for the geekshow on Sunday night. So, I probably would have waited for the $1 theater otherwise. You guys should have known I had a good reason to spend my money so frivolously. Oh, but don’t worry, I’m going to a matinee…so…there.

Clang! Boom! Steam!: Fag.

IN CLOSING: It seems as though we all came to the same consensus about what was wrong with the movie. We were split down the middle, it seems, as of to the affect those problems had on our enjoyment (or not in some cases) of the film.