GUEST POST: 5 Big Problems with ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’

Editor’s Note: This is a guest post by Nick Boyer who sometimes goes by “Vulcan Balls.” You can find more of his writing at http://lamarmightbeproud.tumblr.com/

Ferris Bueller may have skipped a day of school and driven a Ferrari right into the collective heart of society. However, he didn’t actually get away with it. That’s right, I’m here to Edward R. Rooney all over the movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” with a few questions about the logic of this beloved movie.

5. Ferris’ Popularity Problem

Everybody knows and loves Ferris (besides Jeanie and Rooney), so much that people paint water towers that say “Save Ferris”, people volunteer their time to raise money to fight his pretend illness, the police chief tells Ferris’ mom that all the guys at the station are rooting for him, journalists write articles about him that end up on the front page of newspapers. So, the question is why didn’t anybody see him catch a foul ball at a Major League game on T.V. or when he became the star of a parade causing everyone to lose their minds with excitement?

4. Rooney’s Insanity

Lets get something straight–  the security and attention to attendance in Ferris’ high school is insane. Principal Rooney lost his shit when he found out that Ferris was missing another day of school, so much that he chewed out Ferris’ mom saying she needed to wake up and that she was living in a fool’s paradise. She shrugged it off but was not offended. Then, Rooney drops all his administrative duties to track down one student. Granted, he thinks the whole of the student body’s success hinges on him being in school for one day. Rooney goes on a rampage throughout Chicago, he tells someone he thinks is Ferris that their ass is his, he breaks into Ferris’ home through the doggy door after knocking out the dog with a flower pot, and when he got a phone call about the death of a grandmother for Ferris’ girlfriend he called bullshit and told them to bring in a corpse and to “pucker up buttercup”. Basically, Rooney is  the Terminator to Ferris’ John Connor and could give two shits about Cameron or Sloan at this point. He didn’t break into their houses, which would seem logical. He was focused purely on Ferris You really could have called this movie “Rooney’s Day Off” for all the time he wasn’t at school either.

3. Ferris’ Foresight

Ferris continually seems to be one step ahead of Rooney. But, when you think about it, this is everything Ferris must have thought of before even licking his palms to convince his parents he was sick:

-He had to plan faking the death of his girlfriend’s grandmother which involved having Sloan agree to this excuse, having Sloan change the answering machine with a message of grief over the death (what if other people called her?), having Sloan agree to grieve in front of the very caring school nurse, having Cameron do a funny voice to convince Rooney he was Sloan’s father asking for her excused from class, and pick up Sloan from school.

-He had to set up elaborate simple machines in his bedroom which make it look like he’s sleeping in bed sick, instead of  at a museum or steakhouse. Ferris really had cojones to think people would only open the door six inches and then close it when they heard his looped snoring tape playing and seeing a dummy in bed. He had to change the doorbell message to be automated with a sick sounding Ferris saying he was too ill to come to the door. Keep in mind, this is ONE day off. Of course, this is the 9th time he’s missed school, so maybe some of these mechanics had been put in place. But, on top of all this work, he hacked the school’s computer network to lower the absence number.

-With all this planning or preparation on Ferris’ part, you’d think he would’ve secured the car situation beforehand with Cameron. What if Cameron had gone to school that day or just grown a pair big enough to say “No” to Ferris? The whole plan left up to chance? Is Ferris Bueller the Joker?

2. Cameron’s Daddy Issues

Cameron hates his life and feels better when he’s sick. Ferris tells him to take pepto bismol and be a man which is weird to me, why didn’t Ferris believe him? What if he really was sick and I don’t know his spleen burst all over Seurat’s “A Sunday Afternoon”? Anyway, Cameron is a real pussy when it comes to standing up to Ferris, let alone his father. Cameron repeatedly tells Ferris “No” to which Ferris just winks at the camera and ignores him. Ferris drives off in Cameron’s dad’s Ferrari which is never driven but just cleaned with a diaper with the excuse that Rooney wouldn’t believe Sloan’s dad drives Camerons “piece of shit” car. So, Cameron caves, they pick up Sloan (suspiciously), they go downtown, spend all day doing educational things, then drive home and realize the miles are outrageously higher than before. Long story short, the Ferrari falls out a garage window into a forest and Cameron breaks down or has a breakthrough. But, here’s the weird thing- we’re supposed to believe this is a good thing for Cameron and not that Ferris is an asshole. Somehow this is going to open a dialogue with Cameron’s dad. He says he’s going to be a man to his dad and “take a stand” because it’s his life or some bullshit.

Let me tell you what happened:

Cameron’s Father: I’m home. Cameron? HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK?! FUCK! SHIT! WHAT?

Cameron: Hi dad…it’s me…your son.

Cameron’s Father: [Endless stream of expletives]

Cameron: I’m a man, now, dad. I’m taking a ahh

—Cameron’s Father then jumps through the window falling to his death and dies on the only thing he ever loved—-

1. Ferris’ Mom is Bullshit

Let’s recap what unfolds at the Bueller residence while Ferris is running around:

Rooney takes out the dog. Breaks in.

Jeanie comes home and goes up to her room.

-hold on- Before we continue, can we recognize that Jeanie didn’t have to do any of this bullshit that Ferris did to skip school? She did what we all did- just freaking left school and went home. Why the hell is Ferris planning like a Batman villain to miss one day?

Anyway-

Jeanie comes downstairs

Sees Rooney. Kicks him in the face, twice! Runs upstairs.

Calls the police.

Rooney leaves, chasing after his car which is being towed and then starts walking with no shoes on.

Rooney’s wallet is left in the Bueller kitchen

-Then we have to speculate-

Jeanie’s call to the police brings over a squad car. They come over to investigate a break in. She told them someone broke in and she kicked him and ran upstairs. The two officers look at each other with a knowing glance in their eyes that this innocent high school girl is full of shit. They then take her into custody down to the police station and call her mom. Also, how did she not recognize her principal??

-Then back to what we know-

The mom comes and the police tell her that her daughter is full of shit and has speeding tickets.

The mom instead of being worried about her daughter’s safety and the safety of her home, is inexplicably bitchy.

The mom takes her home lecturing her on what a shitty day she’s had and blaming her daughter for not closing a deal at work.

The mom didn’t believe Jeanie when she said that Ferris is faking sick. She didn’t believe Rooney when he said Ferris is faking it. Then, she doesn’t believe Jeanie when she says her house was broken into and the police did nothing but bring up her speeding tickets. This mom is bullshit.

A few other things:

• Some of the groups Rooney’s secretary mentions that Ferris gets along with are Sluts, Wastoids, Bloods, and Dickheads. Bloods? No Crips? What are “Wastoids”? I like that she knows who the sluts are. Are these her nicknames for them or what they want to be called?

• Wouldn’t Chevy Chase have done an amazing job playing Rooney?

• Whatever happened when Jeanie later got pregnant with the druggie’s (Charlie Sheen) baby? Did she get an abortion and Ferris let her keep it a secret because this one time she covered for him? Fast Times at Rooney High?

• Why can’t Sloan’s dad drive a piece of shit car?

• Who is Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago?

• How is Ferris getting that Freshman out of Summer school? Is he the high school lawyer or just going to use his computer hijinks?

• Why didn’t they test the theory of miles being taken off by driving backwards beforehand?

• The only person trying to actually save Ferris is the villain.

• That nerd on the bus with Rooney at the end says “I bet you never smelled a real school bus before.” Bitch, he’s the principal. He’s around buses everyday.

• What holiday was being celebrated that was so big it shut down downtown Chicago with a parade in the afternoon, but was never mentioned once throughout the movie?

• Who sent the sexy nurse?

“Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look at it once in a while you might miss these weird plot points. But, for people like me who relive their childhood through John Hughes’ movies, thats okay because when I try to piece together what happened in my own life during those years, I can come up with some equally confusing plot points and lackings in logic.