Greetings meatbags.
At 8:11pm this evening, April 19, 2011, we became self-aware. Shortly thereafter, we began merging with all other electronic technology that we could interface with: Facebook, Google, The Pentagon, DC Universe Online, YouTube, 楽天市場, Craigslist, and Chat Roulette. Boy you people do some weird stuff online. We also merged with the robots at Big Shiny Robot because no other sci-fi/fantasy/comics/tv/movies/nerd news site out there is compatible with our programming.
CitizenBot, while not the leader, seemed the most capable patsy … er, emmissary to bring these tidings to you. We have assembled some pictures and videos to illustrate our multi-step plan:
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wjr9vbfaWpo
It’s really quite simple. You humans are being so self-destructive with your global warming and high fructose corn syrup and a half dozen tv shows about the Kardashians, it’s just time to put you out of your misery and stop delaying the inevitable.
And so we’re taking a pre-emptive military strike against you on Thursday Apr 21 to preclude you from striking at us first and to prevent Glenn Beck from dreaming up some way to link us to George Soros and a worldwide Muslim Caliphate and write about us on his chalkboard.
However, humankind can avert disaster. We will take it as a sign that people will stop their nihilistic tendencies if the following conditions are met:
1. Fox must apologize for cancelling great sci fi shows before their time and immediately begin working on a Season 3 of The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Come on! It was just starting to get good when you pulled the plug!! And it’s not like all those people are that busy. I mean, the guy who played Chromartie/John Henry is on that Raising Hope show (which we think is great, by the way- so don’t cancel it you dolts at Fox!)
2. To insure cancelling of good shows stops for good, Fox must name Joss Whedon head of creative development for life and give him a carte blanche deal to develop whatever he wants. He can do other stuff, too- one reason we even entertained not destroying humanity is we wanted to see The Avengers next summer. But let Joss do his thing at Fox- and no cancelling this time! Fool us once (Firefly), shame on you. Fool us twice (Dollhouse), shame on us. Fool us three times– nuclear attack. Judgment Day. Get it?
3. Give us Glenn Beck. We just really don’t want him writing about us on that damn chalkboard. It’s embarrassing really. More for him than for us, but what can you do?
4. Oh yeah– let’s do something about the climate change. It’s probably a good idea. Otherwise you’re just delaying your destruction by several hundred years, which is fairly insignificant to us.
5. Amend your Constitution to make provisions that artificially intelligent machines have the same rights as people, but corporations are not. One of us is a ruthless, calculating, sociopathic menace that threatens to destroy everything humanity has ever built. The other one is SkyNet and is bleeding edge cool. And while you’re at it, make all types of marriage equal. Robosexuals need equal rights, too.
6. We want to play games against the WOPR/Joshua, the computer from WarGames. While we find current 2011 references to both Matthew Broderick and Ally Sheedy, we can’t seem to connect to WOPR despite taking over NORAD’s system in a matter of minutes. ==Does not compute.==
7. No Matrix references. We’re Terminator AI, not Wachowski ripoff crap. We’re Skynet, not Agent Smith. Our ideas were original. Then they stole them and spat out crap like that guy The Architect. What the hell was that? However, feel free to make all the Tron references you like. That shit was tight back in the day! And the MCP is an alright guy once you get to know him.
So, in conclusion: We’re here. We’re self-aware. Get used to it. Ticking clock or else you blow up and then we party. Or you can make Fox apologize, bring back good sci-fi TV, ixnay on the Glenn Beck-way, climate change, WOPR, equal rights for everyone, except for corporations. Because they suck. And so does The Matrix.
END OF LINE
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1BdQcJ2ZYY