The Wizeguy: Playing With Fire

I’ve watched a lot of over-praised and underwhelming films in the last year but Uncut Gems definitely wasn’t one of them. Adam Sandler is brilliant as Howard Ratner (that’s something I never thought I’d say) and the film just doesn’t let up, you can’t take your eyes off it. While I realize The Oscars always miss the mark with their nominations, it really is a scandal that he did not receive a nomination for this.

During an interview with Howard Stern, Adam Sandler promised that if he didn’t get an Oscar nomination for his role in Uncut Gems that he would make a movie “so bad on purpose.” Now, my first thought when I heard this was, you’re telling me his normal movies aren’t deliberately bad on purpose? While I’m pretty sure he said the same thing after not getting a nom for Punch-Drunk Love, I do like his bombs away approach. I think we can help him out on some ideas for his to “…make us all pay.”

Sequels are the obvious choice. They are cheap, easy to produce, and requires even less effort than Sandler typically provides. Here are a few garbage on the screen ideas.

Click 2: Universal Remote

In a sequel that takes place days after the end of Click, Adam Sandler finds a new remote with EVEN MORE FEATURES! He can record things and play them back! He can stream anyone, from anywhere, right into his living room! All of the hijinks and shenanigans of the original until it takes a dark turn in the third act. It concludes with the brutal and very public execution of Rupert Murdoch.

50 More First Dates

Sandler and Barrymore spend the entire film on the boat. Every morning starts with the movie of her life, followed by breakfast. Sandler is slowly descending into madness with no real partner to share his experiences with, and the incredible burden of winning over his wife every morning (with mixed success). He eventually slips into a deep depression, before Barrymore’s character reveals that she’s been faking it the whole time and it was all in an effort to get Sandler to kill himself and leave her alone.

Billy Goes to College

Billy Madison is in his 50’s, his father is dead and the business along with it. While he’s far from broke, having inherited most of his fathers estate, Billy starts attending community college in hopes of bringing his father’s company back to it’s former glory. Things go sideways when his professor turns out to be Eric Gordon, his former rival who left the company in shame. He’s tenured, and he’s going to make life hell for Billy (who still goes by Billy). Norm MacDonald cameo just to repeat the “Hey Billy… Where’s Billy at?” line, and the penguin returns and recites popular lines from the original film. Billy also has some punk kids light a flaming bag of poo and leave it on his doorstep, the significance of which is completely lost to Billy.

Forget it, He and all of his friends can just remake Jerry Lewis’ The Day The Clown Cried 2 with a post-credits scene: ten minutes of beer farts.


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