In case you’ve been living under a rock, you may be shocked to learn that the world is coming to an end on May 21, 2011. If this is news to you, I’m sorry that it’s such short notice, but it’s never too late to prepare – because chances are, you’re a sinner and will be left behind.
According to Harold Camping – a self-taught Bible expert – the world will begin to experience Judgement Day this evening once the calendar rolls over to May 21 on the other side of the world. For those of you not savvy with time zones, the Judgement will begin at 2 a.m. Eastern Time here in the US. Camping has used his “expert” knowledge of the Bible and his own brand of made up special religious “math” to determine that God has planned for the world to come to an end and pass judgement on man kind exactly 7,000 years after the first “destruction” of the Earth in which Noah saved every animal in existence on a big-ass boat.
5 x 10 x 17 x 5 x 10 x 17 = 722,500
The atonement or redemption demonstrated by Christ’s suffering and death on April 1, 33 A.D. (the number 5) is 100% completed on May 21, 2011 (the number 10) when all the true believers are raptured into Heaven (the number 17).
Remarkably this number sequence is doubled, to indicate it has been established by God and will shortly come to pass (Genesis 41:32).
We must comment further about the incredible nature of this proof which is completely based on Biblical information.
1. April 1, 33 A.D. is the date God focuses our attention on, how Christ died to atone for our sins as Christ was crucified on that day. The number 5 also focuses on that day, inasmuch as it can spiritually signify the atonement.
2. Our salvation is entirely completed at the time believers receive their eternally alive resurrected bodies. This is what happens on the day of the Rapture, May 21, 2011. Thus the period of April 1, 33 A.D. to May 21, 2011 (inclusive) is the complete period from the time God shows us how our salvation was accomplished to the time our salvation has been entirely completed. This coincides perfectly with the number 10, which signifies completeness.
3. On May 21, 2011, the date of the Rapture, each and every saved person goes to Heaven because his salvation is altogether completed. The number 17 fits perfectly because it signifies Heaven when it has spiritual meaning.
4. The doubling of the numbers 5 x 10 x 17 like the doubling of the phrase “a day is as a thousand years” assures us that the truth of these proofs is established by God and will shortly come to pass. Isn’t it amazing that God uses this doubling principle to further guarantee that the date May 21, 2011 is absolutely certain, even as God has used it to absolutely assure us that Judgment Day is exactly 7,000 years after the flood of Noah’s day.
Did you keep up with all that? If not, you’re clearly dumb. It’s right there! Also, Camping believes that Earth is not just 6,000 years old because that’s ridiculous. It’s quite obvious to him that the Earth is actually 13,000 years old (suck it, science!), and anyone who believes otherwise is sadly misinformed. But I digress . . .
So what can we expect tonight when the world starts to crumble around us? Well, according to camping there will be massive earthquakes that open up the graves of the dead who will of course rise and stand in judgement with the rest of us. Once judgement has been passed, those worthy will be lifted into Heaven while the rest of us (most definitely me) will be left behind to suffer for five months until the world finally meets its final end on October 21, 2011. During those five months there will be famine, plagues, violence, natural disasters, and just suffering and death in general – you know, the usual. Oh, and zombies, there will definitely be zombies. I mean, what else are those who rose from the grave and didn’t meet God’s expectations supposed to do besides eat brains?
But fear not fellow sinners! Just because God deemed you to be unworthy (much like my parents did years ago) doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy your last five months on Earth! Here are some pros along with some survival tips for what I’m sure are going to be a super-shitty five months for all of us left behind.
5 Pros for Being Left Behind in the Rapture:
- All of those snooty, nose up in the air, better-than-thou assholes will be up in Heaven sipping tea while we all get to stick around down here drinking up all of the delicious alcohols of choice that we want! Which brings me to my next point . . .
- FREE LIQUOR! No one is going to be working during this time, so hit up your favorite liquore store and grab as much free booze as your dainty hands can carry!
- Congrats, you’re now debt-free, just like you always wanted!
- All of that religious guilt you’ve been feeling for all your sins have now been lifted off your shoulders. The judgement has come and gone and you didn’t make the cut, so why worry about it now? Live free, sinner, LIVE FREE!
- Two words: Unprotected sex. “What?! You gave me ‘the clap’?!” / “Yeah, who cares? We are all dying in ___ months anyway.”
- BONUS: Of course, we will all be living in a world of chaos, so really you can do whatever you please. Want to try smoking? Go for it! Why not hit the hard stuff too! Heroine, Meth, Coke! So what? You become an addict, it won’t matter. Also, chances are people will have far less inhibition now, so that guy/girl that you’ve been wanting to sleep with will probably be all about it now! And of course, all the other little perks: No more work, no more responsibility, etc.
General Survival Tips for Surviving the Last Five Months on Earth:
- Hit the stores early! Everyone is going to be raiding all of the local markets and you don’t want to be left with nothing but a shelf of pickled pigs feet. Don’t be a lazy survivalist. Get your helmet, bat, and shopping cart ready now and just go wait outside the doors of your local market. Sure, people will thing your crazy. Up until about 12 hours from now!
- Don’t forget the ammo! It’s our God given right to bare arms, and just because he didn’t think you worthy to go to Heaven doesn’t mean anyone can take that right away from you! AMERICA!
- Guns are nice, but ammo eventually runs out. Remember to have a sturdy bat, axe, golf club, 2×4, etc. handy! I promise you people, there are going to be zombies! The last thing you want to do is go outside to take a dump and find yourself surrounded by a horde of zombies and only one clip of ammo. You’ll need to swing and bash your way back into your fortified house.
- Fortify your house! Board up windows and doors, lay down some Home Alone-style booby traps (effective and hilarious!), make sure guns are available at different vantage points at windows around the house. Aside from zombies you’re going to have to deal with rioters, robbers, murderers, and rabid hookers – all looking to get a piece of your stuff! Don’t let them touch your stuff!
- Fire and kindling. Chances are there is going to be little to no electricity during these five months – which sucks because I really need to do some work bringing my K/D ratio up in Halo: Reach – and you’re going to need to keep warm. TIP: That thin Bible paper helps to start a great fire. It’s of no use to you now, might as well put it to work in some fashion.
- Every man and woman for himself! Look, we allthink your significant other is just the Bee’s Knees, but if the dumbass is dumb enough to go wandering off for some mundane reason, just let them go. It’s called Natural Selection, and yes, it will still exist in the End Days.
- That being said, there is an advantage to power in numbers. It’s going to be a lot easier to fend off a large group of rioters outside of a house when you’ve got a dozen people popping them in the head from all angles. But keep an eye on that fatty in the corner, chances are they’re sneaking extra Oreo rations and those Double-Stuffs aint going to last forever.
- Have lots of sex. Sex releases endorphins into the brain that make you happier and will probably make dealing with the end of the world a lot easier to handle. Also, sex is awesome.
- Drink alcohol. You’re going to meet your demise eventually, all of these tips are essentially prolonging the inevitable. Even ifyou survive the full five months it takes for the world to finally explode (or whatever it’ll do) it’s not like God is going to be like, “You know what, Sport? You did a hell of a job surviving all those months so I did some rearranging and made some room for you here in Heaven, and guess what, it’s right next to the lesbian cloud – you lucky dog!” My point is, keep youself at any given point at least a little buzzed, because when you eventually meet your end it may not be as painful.
- Keep faith alive. And by this I mean that everyone left behind on Earth are all going to end up in Hell when they eventually kick the bucket – whether that be 3 days, 4 weeks, or 5 months from now. So just because your sister got eaten by zombies on day 13 it doesn’t mean you won’t be seeing her again real soon. So keep that chin up, Slugger because we are all going to the same place when this is all over!
Hopefully these tips will help you all out as the world begins to crumble around us and we sinners can at least make what we can out of our final days on Earth before we all end up in the fiery-depths of Hell – where there will most likely be better movies, music, food and beer than in Heaven. Of course, if you would prefer to just avoid all this business and go to Heaven with the rest of the teacher’s pets there are plenty of religions out there that allow for a last minute hail mary absolving of sins on your death bed, so try to contact your local religious authority and see if they have time for a last-minute reading of your last rites.
And if you’re reallydesperate, our own Proletaria-tron was just ordained a Minister of what I can only assume is some bullshit online Church – but I’m sure it still counts and you can leave your confessions for him in the comments below.
I just realized it’s May 21 already in Japan and Australia . . . has anyone heard from them? . . .
Leave your own Rapture Survival Tips in the comments below! You can also leave your last-minute confessions below so Proletaria-tron can absolve you of all your sins!