I love Marvel. I really do. It is certainly one of the most detailed and coherent universes in comics history. And lately they’ve had a good fucking run; Secret Invasion, Ultimate Spider-Man, Daredevil and this whole Old Man Logan thing Millar is doing. But, every so often they slip up and do something stupid. Well, beyond stupid… As in completely fucking asinine. Marvel Apes is a testament to just that.

Reading the first three issues was nothing short of a horrible struggle. A freak accident alters reality to something that is ripped off from the shit-twist-ending of Tim Burton’s pathetic remake of Planet of the Apes. Marvel Apes succeeds in proving that even everyone’s favorite publisher will occasionally try to capitalize on a concept of taking characters and having fun with them (e.g. Marvel Zombies). It’s like George Lucas won the be Marvel’s Editor-In-Chief for a Day contest. Much like real prime mates Marvel has flung shit at us and that shit is this mini-series. What next? Another series about Spider-Ham? Minus 100 points Marvel! If I were Stan Lee I’d be pissed.

I have an answer to at least one of your questions; Why the fuck did they make this book?

Answer: $$$

Issue four of Marvel Apes comes out this week. Don’t read it.

And if you do get the urge to pick it up just watch Tim Burton’s terrible remake of Planet of the Apes, shit in a paper bag and take lots of deep breathes.