Man, that Guardians of the Galaxy flick was great, right? Who knew that a bunch of rag-tag, obscure, and otherwise silly characters could mesh that well on screen? And that after credits scene? Bringing back to the big screen one of the biggest comic books bombs ever? In a word — ballsy. And since our fine feathered fowl has been out of the public eye so long, BSR asked me to come out of semi-retirement to recount the humble beginnings of the cigar chomping mallard, so without any further padding for word count, The Secret Origin of… Howard the Duck!
Oddly enough, Howard’s tale is tied up in a lot of other stuff that doesn’t actually involve him much, so I’m going to gloss over it in favor of Howard’s solo outings. Suffice to say, he gets transported from his native Duckworld to the Nexus of all Realities, conveniently located in the Florida Everglades.
Whatever, on a world of Spider-Men, Latverian monarchs turned super-villain, a talking duck isn’t THAT absurd.
Then he meets up with a bunch of other people including Man-Thing, who were also drawn to the Nexus and finds himself recruited to set right the Cosmic Axis. Howard however, doesn’t make it to the end…
“Well, sure there is, I don’t wear this pointy hat for show, but we’re on a deadline!”
And so Howard falls, and falls for what seems like months. when he finally lands on solid ground, he rejoices as he believes he has returned home, He comes across two more “hairless apes” and realizes that he’s back on Earth instead. While he is not too thrilled with his lot in life, what’s a duck to do? Well, if you’re Howard, you get your priorities straight…
You have to love the fact that Howard’s universe saving consisted of him falling off a ledge, but hey, whatever!
At the cigar store, Howard has a few issues, first being that his money isn’t any good, being from another dimension at all. When the shopkeep see what Howard is though, an… arrangement is made and Howard gets his stogies. The kids explain that it’s not really the shopkeep’s fault. Every adult in town has been acting weird ever since Garko moved into the neighborhood, after all.
Garko is a somewhat derelict looking fellow who sits in the window all day holding a jar contemplating taking over the world by drinking the contents. Unfortunately, today is the day he decides to take the plunge…
A logical justification if ever there was one!
After that interlude, Howard and his new friends are discussing the events of the day, and we discover a few interesting things, such as Duckworld being nearly identical to Earth, aside from talking ducks of course. Maybe our mighty mallard can make a go of it on our world after all! Hold that thought though, this is still a Bronze-Age Marvel comic, and you can’t have one of those without a fight so…
“So which is it? Fear you or fall at your feet? If you want to rule the world you need to be more direct!”
Actually, Howard picks a fourth option, run the *@&$ away! He then bravely turns tail, tells the kids to get the cops, while he distracts Garko. The chase goes on, with Howard at a disadvantage, since he can’t actually fly and Garko can leap. Luckily, the Dynamic Duck finds man’s most humble invention — a board with a nail in it!
Or maybe desperation breeds competence, but who knows?
As luck, fate, or plot contrivance would have it, Garko inexplicably continues to transform… into a real frog. Of course this is when the cops show up (this does take place in Cleveland, after all) and mistake Howard for the mutant menace the kids told them about. The officers don’t quite believe Howard is who he says he is, and so they do what any self-respecting peace officer would do…
Well, at least Garko was taken care of.
And so, indignity of indignities, Howard is in a Cleveland jail cell. The authorities are determined to remove his “costume” after the fingerprinting didn’t take, what with Howard having feathers and all. This leads to what may be the first full frontal nude scene in Marveldom!
Approved by the Comics Code, kids!
The commissioner finally realizes that Howard is a flesh and feathers duck, and freaks the heck out. Not wanting the publicity for locking up a mutant, Howard is let go. He dresses himself and tries to figure out what to do to make a living on our world.
As Howard considers his fate, we take an aside to a farm somewhere outside of Cleveland, where Jubal Brown, farmer, discovers a new cow on his land, complete with cape! Being the kind man that he is, Jubal takes the cow in, which seals his fate, as this is also the secret origin of Bessie! Otherwise known as — Hellcow!
He should have used bovine psychology!
Bessie then sprouts a pair of wings and flies towards the closest heavily populated area. Poor Cleveland!
Anyway, back to Howard, he’s strolling the streets reading the paper about the previous night’s shenanigans with Bessie. Thinking he has a different perspective than the hairless apes, our fearless fowl deduces that the murderer cannot be human, even though he does think it’s a chicken rather than a vampire cow. He figures if he can catch the killer, he can work with the cops and make some dosh, so he’s off to formulate a cunning plan!
As he does that, we find out how Bessie came to be Hellcow. Being 70’s Marvel, Dracula is involved, which is awesome, because 70’s Marvel Dracula is the most awesome version of Dracula ever, but that’s another story, here’s how it happened…
Little known fact, Drac likes his steak very, VERY rare!
Back to Howard. His plan is to be the only one on the streets in the dead of night. It of course works, and Hellcow and Howard face off! It’s pretty one-sided as Hellcow has all of the powers of a vampire like turning into mist, and having really sharp teeth. Things look bleak for Howard, but he thinks quick on his webbed feet and turns the tide of battle…
“The power of triple-A compels you!”
The makeshift crucifix holds Hellcow back for the nonce, but Howard knows it’s only a temporary situation, and he has to end this. He spies a hammer which he can use to drive a stake into the vampiric heifer, but to do so he has to put down the tire iron! Bessie makes her move, and crash lands into a pile of tires, dazing her and getting her fangs stuck in the rubber. Howard girds himself and does what he must to end the threat…
That death moo is one of the best sound effects in a comic, ever.
And so, Howard is victorious once again, showing how plucky he can be. Unfortunately as he tries to explain hings to the arriving officers, they completely ignore him and drive off, making our hero understandably angry. Brushing himself off, Howard laments and walks off into the cold, unforgiving night…
Don’t worry folks, Howard does okay for himself, he soon meets his lifelong companion, Beverly Switzler and even makes a credible run for President! Not only that, but if nothing else, that bomb of a movie even gave him his own theme song!
You never know, Marvel Studios might even let the guy have his own movie again, if that can make an out-there concept like Guardians work, I’m pretty sure they can overcome the stigma of a nearly 30-year old movie that only uber-geeks remember!
The comics featured in this article are Adventure Into Fear #19, Man-Thing #1, and Giant-Size Man-Thing #4-5