I like doing the Secret Origins column, I really do. I also like alliteration, which was great when I was posting these on Sunday. Now it seems that Tuesday into Wednesday is my de facto time to post them, I decided to drop the day of the week from the title. This probably concerns no one other than me, but I figured why not have an explanation just in case someone wonders. That being said, on with the show.
Since March ushers in springtime, and springtime means all the little fuzzy animals are coming out to play again, this month in Secret Origins will feature nothing but animal heroes! Now, I don’t mean folks like Puma, Wildebeest, or the Blue Jay, though that would be cool too. I mean I am showcasing heroes who are animals and to start with is my personal favorite. I credit Peter Porker for helping me get into comics at a young age. I would get a dollar every month from my aunt to spend at her workplace, which was an IGA. Since comics back then were 60 cents, I could pick up an issue of Spider-Ham and get some candy for good measure. It was a good time. Spider-Ham also became the first book I ever sent a letter to, it never got published, but I remember to this day I wrote about issue 13 which had movie monster parodies. Anyway, enough reminiscing. You guys came here to read an origin, but not mine. Let’s get on with, the Secret Origin of Peter Porker, the Spectacular Spider-Ham!
As with many Spider-Ham stories, this one opens in the offices of the Daily Beagle. J. Jonah Jackal and his apprentices the Junior Newsboys (Upton Cat, Bunsen Bunny, and Jeremiah Jackal Jr.) are having a brainstorm. An epiphany is reached, but we aren’t told what it is. J.J.J. whisks the youngsters out and they run into Peter Porker who is told by Jackal to meet them at the Junior Newsboy Clubhouse with his camera, as there will be shots galore to take. Peter, who decides he has a few hours to kill trolls around the Beagle offices. He decides to give his love life a shot in the arm by trying to romance the charming Batty Brant. She doesn’t seem to be interested…
Ah, Romance.
With an internal monologue to rival Spider-Man himself, Porker dries himself off and thinks to himself that he’s a grown pig, this won’t phase him! He’s gonna get right back on that horse and show Batty how much of a mature, cool and collected pig he is. And so:
Really, they’re as good a couple as David & Maddie
Peter then sulks to himself. As he continues his inner monologue, he knows he’s been stung to the core. He paces the offices of the Beagle, cursing his lack of social graces and his own abilities, asking whatever did he do to deserve this? Just as he is on his knees in a puddle of his own tears, the omniscient narrator takes us to flashback land, where we’ll indeed learn how Peter Porker’s lot and life became so “grim”.
Hey it's Peter! Waitaminnit...
Yes, our humble hero started out as a lowly spider, what a twist, eh? Wait, it gets better. As Peter sits in his web, heretofore unknown genius, May Porker is about to test her nuclear-powered hairdryer! She is convinced that this will make her the envy of scientists and hairdressers all over the world, but what happens instead could only happen in a comic that is a parody of another fantastic use of radioactivity!
Radioactivity! It's good for what ails ya! (Unless radioactivity ailed you)
Of course it went haywire! May, driven quite nutty over getting a healthy dose of nuclear power attacks the first thing in her sights. It is, of course, Peter the Spider. May shuffles over in zombie-like fashion and chomps the poor spider on the head. While you may think this would kill the arachnid, keep in mind we are dealing with comic book physics here…
Of course it did, Pete.
After that, Mr. Porker’s origin plays out much like Spider-Man’s own. he is spooked by a car and scales a building and the like, wondering all the while if he’s a spider with the limitations of a pig, or a pig with the proportionate strength and agility of a spider. He even meets with some of the locals…
Even after all these years, the book is still pretty funny.
After testing his new (old) abilities, Peter realizes that he left May unattended. I’m not sure if he goes back because he’s genuinely concerned or if he wants to make sure she doesn’t bite anyone else. At any rate, he gets back just as she is coming around. The ordeal really messed with May, as she immediately recognizes Peter as her nephew and offers to make him some cookies, her boundless intellect seemingly gone. Peter immediately plays along, and we find out it’s because he doesn’t want the shock to kill her and not because he wants free room and board. Go figure. The days go on, and Peter makes do with what he has…
Paranormal Crimbusterdom, eh? At least the narration is original.
Having made the decision to be a super hero out of the blue, Peter may not be the most committed hero in the books, but the Spider-Ham is born, which brings us back to the present. No sooner do we get back to Peter on his way to the clubhouse, he gets accosted by his high school nemesis, Flash Tomcat. rubbing Peter’s nose in the fact that he never has a girlfriend. This is the last straw for our hero, and he swears off superheroing for good (I told you he wasn’t committed). After his decision, Peter gets to the Junior Newsboy Clubhouse, where he finds Jonah and his three young charges dressed to the nine in superhero regalia. Rather than recount all four origins of the Black Jackal and his Beagle Brigadeers, I’m just gonna show you.
I want a novelty weight that says “several tons” just for fun.
The new heroes take off in their souped up Beaglemobile and take to the streets, with peter tagging along for photo ops. Before you know it, they come across Jonah’s old pal, Andy Warthog. Andy is enamored with the groups outfits and says they simply must attend his party later that night. Quicker than you can say “Campbell’s Tomato Soup”, they arrive…
Save me from bad pun names, someone, anyone!
We’re treated to another page of punderful name-dropping (I will admit Mel Gibbon was pretty inspired, though) before my prayers are answered with the arrival of the Hobgobbler!
You have to love a villain who picks a motif and sticks with it.
Peter is sitting on the sidelines as this happens, seeing as he’s quit the hero biz. Just then, Hobgobbler kidnaps Barbara Mandrill, the famous country singer! Luckily, we have super heroes already on the scene! Andy Warthog goes to fetch the be-costumed folk, but they are fast asleep, the lateness of the party catching up with them. Peter laments that no one can save Mandrill now, but he’s looking out for number one from now on. Peter then proves he has what it take to be considered a hero, and his uncle didn’t even need to be shot!
In case you were wondering, that’s Mick Jaguar.
And so, the Spectacular Spider-Ham is in hot pursuit. He chases Hobgobbler across the rooftops, dodging tomato bombs all the way. Some choice banter back and forth ensues, until Spider-Ham decides it’s time to end this…
“Oh, Hi there Mr. Fi– OWWW!”
With the first (and only) punch thrown, Hobgobbler high tails it, dropping Ms. Mandrill as he makes his getaway. Spider-Ham makes a spectacular catch, and returns her safely back to the party. Back in his civilian clothes, Peter is now tasked with taking the still sleeping Jackal boys back home, lamenting a hero’s work is never done. Don’t feel too bad for our stalwart hero though, things may finally be taking a turn for the better in his love life once he gets home to Aunt May.
And there you have it. I was actually pleasantly surprised how much I enjoyed reading this story as an adult. It does what all ages books should do, appeal on multiple levels. Sadly, a mere two issues after this was published, Spider-Ham started walking the road to obscurity, forced into the backup of Marvel Tales, and then limbo. Recently, he has re-appeared in a truly awful Civil War one-shot, and a pretty great 25th anniversary issue. Time will tell if the whole hog is back for good!
This story originally appeared in Peter Porker #15 May, 1987 As far as I know it has not been reprinted, but Marvel has made a digest of early Peter Porker stories available.
Ok readers, still here? I hope you liked this week’s Secret Origin! What animal would like to see for the rest of this theme month? Captain Carrot? Rocket Raccoon? Just a Lotta Animals? Tell me in the comments, and I’ll see what I can do!