PIXELS (1 out of 10) Directed by Chris Columbus; Written by Tim Herlihy and Timothy Dowling; Based on the short film by Patrick Jean; Starring Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Josh Gad, Peter Dinklage and Michelle Monaghan; Rated PG-13 for some language and suggestive comments; Running time 105 minutes, In wide release July 24, 2015.
Few things in life are worse than a wasted opportunity. Based on the excellent 2010 short, “Pixels” had every reason to be one of the best summer blockbusters, but because of the laziness and shoddy work of everyone involved, it’s easily one of the worst films of the year.
The year is 1982, and arcades rule the world. Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, Space Invaders and other iconic video games are making their debut, and everyone is going crazy over them, and none more so than young Sam Brenner and his best friend Will Cooper. Sam has a gift of being able to pick apart the enemies’ patterns in the games and enters a world video game championship to show off his skills. The contest is filmed and shot into space in a time capsule by NASA in an attempt to eventually communicate with alien life.
Skip ahead a few decades and Sam (Adam Sandler) has given up on his dreams and resigned himself to work for a Geek Squad knock-off while Will (Kevin James) is now the very unpopular President of the United States. So all is not well when the aliens that got the time capsule finally come calling. Unfortunately for earth, the aliens mistook the recordings as a declaration of war and start attacking us using pixelated armies based on the games they have seen. President Will enlists the help of Sam, conspiracy theorist Ludlow Lamonsoff (Josh Gad) and ex-gamer/current prisoner Eddie Plant (Peter Dinklage) to train the worlds’ militaries to repel the attack and drive off the invaders before it’s game over for everyone.
By all accounts, this should be a rollicking and entertaining movie, yet Adam Sandler and company have somehow managed to squeeze all the fun and joy out of it.
Sandler and James are completely bored with their characters and have no interest in the movie they’re creating. Sure they’re known for playing apathetic losers in previous films, but it’s incredibly apparent all they’re doing is waiting for the director to yell “cut” so they can run to the bank and cash their paychecks. Sandler’s so lazy, a stunt double was hired to moonwalk for him in a two second scene. Even when taking on Space Invaders or a giant Pac-Man, it’s painfully obvious they don’t care so why should anyone else?
On the flip side, Peter Dinklage and Josh Gad are so frenetic they border on absurd. They’re like hyperactive toddlers who overdosed on sugar and caffeine before being set loose on the set with no script or direction. Every moment they’re on screen is agonizingly annoying.
The role of woe-is-me woman falls to Lt. Col. Violet Van Patten (Michelle Monaghan) who is simply on hand to be ignored and insulted until she finally “gets” to be rescued and fall in love with Adam Sandler’s character.
Q*Bert sleeps with Josh Gad, and it’s as disturbing as it sounds.
Director Chris Columbus fares no better and films this like a first year arts student. He has no idea how to handle his actors or how to effectively set up action shots, and scenes that should have been tense and exciting are boring and lifeless. He hobbles along from moment to moment as if he’s run a marathon and only has enough energy left because he can see the finish line in the distance.
There is absolutely nothing here worth wasting time on. “Pixels” is racist, sexist, homophobic, boring, lazy and even finds a way to make people hate Peter Dinklage. The worst thing is it could have been incredibly fun and cool in the hands of talented people who actually enjoy their work. Instead, this is a cheap cash in that only exists to line Adam Sandler’s pockets with more ill gotten gain in a further attempt to put one over on worldwide audiences.