THE LEGEND OF ZELDA, Episode 1 “The Ringer” (2 out of 10) – Produced by DIC Entertainment and Nintendo; Directed by John Grusd; Written by Bob Forward; Starring Cynthia Preston, Jonathan Potts, Tabitha St. Germain, and Len Carlson. Originally aired September 8, 1989.
“The Legend of Zelda was featured on every Friday episode of the “Super Mario Bros. Super Show!” and follows the story of Link and Zelda as they defend the Tri-force of Wisdom and the kingdom of Hyrule from the evil wizard Ganon.
Link wakes up complaining about the cushy life he has in the castle, wondering why he doesn’t return to his life of adventure. Then he remembers that apparently he’s only there to ogle Princess Zelda. He looks down from his balcony, gives her a cat call whistle and says “Looking good princess, especially from this angle.” Seriously? What a dirtbag.
To which Zelda scoffs in justifiable offense and Sprite tells her “I told you, you should have put on a robe.” Because as you all know it’s every woman’s job to keep themselves covered in order to control the animal urges of young heroes.
Link’s reply- “Oops, I guess I offended her royal prissiness.” What a prude Amirite?
“Excuuuse meee Princess!”
The show is based primarily on the first game in the Zelda series “The Legend of Zelda” I guess, except that Zelda takes a larger role in most of the actual heroism and Link is less hero than date rapist.
A trio of baddies sneak into Link’s room attempting to steal the tri-force, he defeats them, with his sword and a bit of banter before Zelda knocks at his door.
Expecting a “reward” for his heroic deeds he puckers up for a kiss from the princess and she slaps him back to the Deku tree for his objectively horrid behavior.
He then tries to make her feel bad for her reaction by lying about the extent of his battle and how he works so hard to save the kingdom with only the best of intentions.
The details of Link’s actions really need no further outlining, suffice it to say he’s the kind of guy you wouldn’t leave your daughter (or son) alone in a room with, let alone select to defend your kingdom, but he’s the series protagonist so what ya gonna do?
Ganon plots to join an amateur magician’s contest in Hyrule in order to steal the tri-force, he turns a small lizard into a dragon as a diversion and gets the tri-force in hand. Zelda asks one of the amateur magicians to use a growing spell to create a large tree that slingshots them into the forest after Ganon.
Where Link straps Zelda to his back with his belt in order for them to better be able to fight the villains apparently, once the day is saved (mostly by Zelda) he refuses to release her until she gives him what he obviously and rightly deserves.
The episode ends with Ganon vowing to return and take the tri-force of Wisdom in order to rule all of Hyrule. I’m inclined to vote for him, if Link is the best hero they could find, the kingdom might be in need of some restructuring.
I’m usually pretty easy to please, I tend to see the good in things and I’m able to look past the bad, but the scales are too tipped this time. If you’re a fan of the game series, you’ll hate it. If you’re even a moderately worthwhile human being, you’ll hate it. There is no redeeming factor. Two stars earned for nostalgic music, and the moments when Zelda is strong and self assured. I have nothing else good to say about it.
You can watch all thirteen episodes below if you want to, but I don’t know why you would.
Sigh.