“Attack of the Killer Tomatoes” Created by Richard Mueller; Written by Richard Mueller, Jack Enyart, and Ted Pedersen; Starring John Astin, Christian Guzek, Kath Soucie, Neil Ross, Thom Bray, Cam Clarke, S. Scott Bullock, and Maurice LaMarche; Run time 22 minutes; Originally aired September 8, 1990.
Alright 1990s, thanks for coming, please sit down. We need to talk. We’re all here because we care about you, no don’t get up, you need to hear this. We put up with a lot of weird stuff from you, when you convinced us all that tiny cardboard circles were collectible toys we went with it, when you developed and marketed creepy talking Mogwai dolls that may have been self aware we let it slide, and when you tried to convince us all that it was cool to roll up just one pant leg we didn’t say anything, because we love you.
I know you were a new decade and you were just trying to define yourself but this is getting out of hand. We have to draw the line somewhere and we’re drawing it at making cartoons about moderately sentient edibles from ambiguous food groups.
I know, I know, you’re not responsible for coming up with the “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes,” that was before your time. That first movie came out before your flamboyant neon colored older brother decade had even cracked his first tooth. And I know it was him that gave us a sequel (“Return of the Killer Tomatoes”) ten years later.
Look, I’m sure you meant well. You looked up to him, the 80s were barely over and it may have still looked cool, you weren’t far enough removed. And we can’t even blame you for bringing it into cartoons and marketing it to kids. That sin lies at the feet of the late great Jim Henson (See “The Weirdo Zone” segment of “Muppet Babies”) with the encouragement of your brother. It’s really him we should be talking too but he’s gone now…
So now this has fallen at your feet and what do you do? You give us some bogus story about veterans and holdovers from The Great Tomato War and a star crossed friendship between the human child of a war hero and tomato refugees and you have them combat the mad scientist, excuse me, angry scientist Dr. Putrid T. Gangreen (were you even trying?) trying to stop him from taking over the world. WITH TOMATOES!
You know what, the talking and malevolent tomatoes aren’t even my biggest complaint. I don’t even care so much that you had them riding skateboards, playing cards, and sporting questionable facial hair. But do you really expect us to believe that pizza would become even more of a staple food in a world where you can’t even get marinara. Pizza with mayonnaise instead of delicious, hearty, wholesome tomato sauce? I’m calling foul sir, I mean, how dare you.
What’s most troubling is that I have to remind myself I’m mad at you. I find myself enjoying it, being sucked down into this unfathomable wasteland you’ve created and forgetting that what you’ve done cannot be allowed.
You’re better than this 90s, yet here we are. You can do better, you can be better. I believe in you. Don’t let us down.