The season finale of “American Horror Story: Coven” opened with an event that caused such a wash of nostalgia over me that it honestly made me a little dizzy. I used to watch the video for Fleetwood Mac’s “Seven Wonders” with unblinking attention, each time re-evaluating my choice of favorite Stevie Nicks outfit, and I cannot believe I forgot about that song. But truth be told I’m glad I did, otherwise it would have been stuck in my head for the last 13 weeks and I’m just not that into Fleetwood Mac anymore.
The four contestants descended the staircase of Dirty American Hogwarts in shawls and flapper gear, I’m not really sure why, to the final strains of Stevie’s lip sync. They sat down for their last meal before the trials began, and I have to tell you that my favorite moment from any episode of AHS might very well be Myrtle Snow passing out caviar as Jesus in The Last Supper.
And then came the trials. There were just a few surprises, namely poor Misty’s early failure, and the Wonders themselves were largely uneventful. It couldn’t be an episode of “Coven” without someone saying “you think I’m the next supreme,” even during the tests to find the damn supreme, so Cordelia threw her hat in the ring after Misty turned to ash while rotting in the underworld and Death Vagina impaled herself on some wrought iron playing transmutation tag. And if I’m not mistaken I already warned you about the dangers of transmutation tag. But because there is absolutely zero consistency in the “staying dead” department, Zoe is brought back by Cordelia and Frankenkyle chokes the ever loving snot out of Madison.
I’ll spare all the gory details of the trials. Mostly because they weren’t gory, just kind of boring. We all should have seen Cordelia’s ascension coming, but even though I missed that one I still get a gleeful “I KNEW IT.” Fiona did not meet a graphic end via the Sax Man (seriously you guys, Jesus Christ that is the worst boogeyman name in the history of everything). She pulled a final ruse on everyone, but then died a pitiful and quiet death in Cordelia’s arms anyway. Her prize will be eternity in the underworld with the Sax Man, catfish, and a giggling Papa Legba.
The season finale did feature most of my favorite AHS elements; there was lots of swoopy camera work, interesting transition cuts, and some pretty stellar shot compositions. Myrtle’s march to the pyre was beautiful with stunning choices of color, and more so than the rest of the season the show seemed to make weighted use of Dirty American Hogwart’s white decor. A nod to the transition of power from the Wicked to the Good? Meh, I don’t have to try to force anything about this show to make sense for another year.
Sadly there was no further resolution to the Delphine and Marie story. They will both suffer their fates for eternity, and I don’t really like that particular narrative decision. I understand the commentary, that evil is evil even if you do it for the better good and that “the better good” is in fact subjective, except it’s kind of not. At least not in this particular scenario. But Legba does not discern, and neither woman got so much as a mention tonight.
When it’s all said and done, I still have to give AHS some credit. And I know I mentioned it at least once before, but good on you, American Horror Story and FX. You made a show about women, most of them middle age or greater, of more than one color (could have done better there but dammit I’m not going to make this a back handed compliment), and you made it a hit. I daresay you made it a phenomenon. I’m very happy about that.
And in our final entry in the “kmc1138 Might Actually Be Myrtle Snow” saga, I’m going to need someone out there to make me a promise. Please, when I am on my death bed, I beg of you to make every effort to allow my last words to be a desperately ecstatic “BALENCIAGAAAAAaaaaaa….” And if that’s not possible, I’m going to need it to be “KNOTTY PINE?!!!?” I’m going to go ahead and wrap up the review so I can shop for animal print opera gloves.
I’ll leave you with one final thought: No one is talking about the real winner here. The entire season was one big game, and there are unquestionable losers; Misty, Fiona, Marie and Delphine. Legba won three primo souls (and one racist as a consolation prize), but he’s still not on top. Cordelia reigns with Queenie and Death Vagina at her side. Frankenkyle can now speak like a real boy and has a job and everything. He’s now, hold on, I’ve got one… Notfilchenstein. YES. Which brings me to my final point: When you look back on the season and think that the “bad” got their justice and good will reign at Dirty American Hogwarts for a time, remember that the happiest character in the end is the one with a baby and a blonde corpse stowed away in the attic.
Sweet dreams, friends and neighbors.