Last week, “American Horror Story” returned from a midseason hiatus with an episode that was well crafted and exciting. It set a high standard for the rest of the season, and if you’ve been keeping up with my reviews of the show, you might think that a pod person wrote last week’s review. Fear not, I assure you it’s really me, and I can prove it: “Protect the Coven” was pretty much a turd.
Tonight we learned the origin of Delphine’s deviance and saw her return to Dirty American Hogwarts with a very much alive Queenie (called it). Delphine returned to her duties (I’m laughing because I said “duties” and in a second you’ll understand why) as maid, but also returned to sociopathic behaviors as evidenced by gutting the gardener and serving up poo in the witches’ soup (there it is). Madison was a bitch, Cordelia was weepy, Myrtle was the balls, and Angela Bassett was Queen, but as far as plot advancement, the only real event was the mass slaughter of the witch hunters.
The amount of gore in tonight’s episode was pretty epic. The cold open set a precedent with an incredibly graphic chicken murder, and from there it escalated to hanging entrails, plucked eyeballs, and gushing arteries. Oh my.
- The scenes in which Marie and Fiona meet with the hunters were, admittedly, stylish, and the choreography of the executions was flawless. That particular sequence also contained the highlight of the episode, which was Marie shouting “LISTEN HERE, WHITE DEVIL.” The effects of Fiona’s axe to the throat were impressive in their detail, and I’m honestly a little amazed that it made it to air, even on cable at 10 pm.
- Cordelia plucked out her new eyes. She made this sacrifice in order to regain her second sight, you know, for the coven. You guys, I love horror and there have only been two movies that have ever made me hide my eyes (“Audition” and “Inside,” for the record) but man oh man do I hate eyeball stuff. I didn’t turn away tonight, and it wasn’t terribly graphic, but it was enough. Again, moderately shocked it made the cut.
- Delphine and the gardener. Ah yes. Delphine now occupies Not-Filch’s room, and it was to that creepy doll room that she absconded with her first victim in centuries. She tore the man apart, and in voice over sequences and conversations with Not-Filch, she reveals that these deeds are “just because.” So it’s here I want to give a thank you to the show, because this whole Delphine thing could have gone an incredibly irresponsible way. So thanks for not martyring the unrepentant racist and for proving to sympathizers that she deserves neither pity nor pardon. Keep giving her hilarious lines, and keep making her the butt of jokes, but don’t give her a flimsy reason to be called a good guy.
In my other reviews, I frequently mention that it perturbs me when a character has a quality of “acting” badass. I feel like the qualities that make someone frightening or intimidating shouldn’t feel forced and they should just flow like those horrors are a part of someone’s DNA. You know who’s really good at that? Dennis O’Hare. Not-Filch is an absolute creepshow but he never crosses over into hokey, Freddy-in-every-Nightmare-movie-after-part-two territory. He convinced Delphine that Benadryl would cancel out all Marie’s immortality magic so that the Voodoo Queen would finally meet her end. That of course was a hilarious falsehood, but it did allow Not-Filch to knock her unconscious and instruct Delphine to bury her alive. Why? After a convincing dialogue about preserving the integrity of the coven, he really just wanted the baby. Ew. Maybe? Maybe he just wanted to care for something pure for a change instead of a house full of harpies? Yeah no. Still ew.
Myrtle Snow is quickly becoming my favorite on the show. I am also starting to seriously wonder about the gloves. There has to be a reason, other than their fabulousness. Tonight she got nine kinds of maternal and not only nursed Cordelia, but also confessed her worries about the coven to Zoe and requested that she and Frankenkyle leave immediately, for their own safety. She also, in breathless ecstasy, extolled the virtue of the wrap dress. Remember when I said I want to be Myrtle when I grow up? Yeah I think I already am. I own yellow gloves. I’m wicked serious.
But when it’s all said and done, tonight was a letdown. I didn’t even take any notes. It didn’t even give rise to snark, you guys. The main issue with this episode? It was flat out boring. And those resolutions that did occur really only serve my theory that the show is written backwards. The hunters were an excuse to join Marie to the coven and after three-ish episodes that appears to be over. An executioner was needed, so here’s a ghost lover for Fiona. Somebody has to convince Delphine to be naughty, so let’s kill Not-Filch so he can have a tongue. It all just seemed a little thinner than normal, like I could see through the green curtain to the man whirling the dials.
Next week brings us the Seven Wonders, and in the spoileriest preview ever lets us know that Death Vagina and Frankenkyle don’t make it to Orlando. Which really sucks, because I was hoping for a spin-off in which Zoe wears the Goofy suit and Frankenkyle runs the teacup ride. Oh well.