In the spirit of the recent iPhone app., I bring you 1994 Shiny Entertainment, Inc.’s Earthworm Jim action figure. You all owned this at one time, most of you played with it in the shower. For a really long time!

The figure stands in your standard graphic cardboard with original character drawings. The plastic surrounding displays the character, his weapons, and snotty friend.

Jim’s suit looks ordinary at best and continues with the classic big upper body and skinny legs. His hands are pre molded to hold weapons or jack off… but unless you display him-forget either! The “spring loaded real firing Jim head” is enough to make the purchase worthwhile. Who doesn’t want a head that, if lost, completely defeats the purpose?!

His weaponry, if painted right, would have been awesome! Instead we have all the accessories painted in one boring red. They hardly gave details to the “plasma gun”. “Jim’s really big crow croaking gun” is molded really well but like everything else falls far with bad coloring. As for Snott, well, see previous.

Yes, these are individually numbered for you crazy collectors and EWJ junkies alike. I just don’t know many people who would waste time & effort on collecting this very average series of toys. Oh wait, that would be uh… umm… me.

I know this title has been released for a while now, in fact they have already released the next one in the series. (V, obviously) Which I hope to get a hold of before the release of VI.

*If you don’t want to read a bunch of philosophy about Dragon Quest, just skip to the next asterisk.

Before going into the review, I would just like to bring up some of my thoughts and experiences of Dragon Quest in general. Cutting to the heart of it, I am a big fan of Dragon Quest. Not including the side games (although I’ve played some of them too.), I’ve played through every game in the series aside from the three they are remaking on the DS. (So this is a first play through for me.) And I’m also a big fan of the Final Fantasy series. Some might superficially call these titles similar, but I find they both have their own unique quirks that separate them greatly. Since this is a review about a Dragon Quest game, I won’t be going into the differences, but what I like about this series.

The main impressions I get from Dragon Quest is that they keep it basic, and in doing so, it makes the game much more balanced. Basically what this means is, from start to finish you are going to come across a challenge. And the story is usually a simple hero’s quest, which is getting more diverse as the games go on.  You can see the evolution throughout the titles, starting with the first game, that virtually has no story structure.

The last bit of information I will get into before the real review (already apologizing for the length. But it’s like two reviews in one!) Is a jump in the evolution in the series. As stated I had not played, (IV, V, or VI) so it would make sense that I saw a skip when I played VII. This skip wasn’t necessarily a good thing. (But I think it will be important to understand how these games can fail.) Dragon Quest VII is maybe one of the best plotted video games I’ve ever played, and the premise behind the game play is perfect. But it had a major problem with being too good at these things.

The premise being that you are a hero that traverses time to bring balance to various city’s in the past, and the future. (not necessarily in that order.) The quests to save the towns are individually brilliant, but at points these quests are beyond meticulous. Basically, there are times that you will be wasting 4 hours because you forgot to talk to the fairy in the past of a town that they didn’t tell you to go to. Quite simply, this game is too vast.

Another problem, and the last I’ll go into is that they had a really good job system. But they didn’t implement it until half way through the game, and they made it absurdly expansive. To master the jobs, or even get advanced jobs, you are looking at spending possibly more than 40 hours on just leveling up. More time than a casual gamer like myself can consciously waste.

I believe that Enix realized their mistakes and corrected them in Dragon Quest VIII. (My favorite in the series.) In a way devolving the series, back to its pinnacle. What I haven’t figured out yet is where the pinnacle is. Is it between II, and III? (Which are amazing.) Or is it between, IV, V, and VI. This is what I plan on finding out.

* Finally the Dragon Quest IV review. (The remake for the DS. Dubbed “Chapters of the Chosen” Although I doubt it varies from the original much.)

The game starts as many of them do with the emerging of a hero (or heroine). And as with other Dragon Quest games, it finds a way to do the same thing in a unique way. The vessel for this ones originality is a chapter system, in which the headline character is switched in each one. Their are five chapters, and the fifth chapter is dedicated to the chosen one, the main character of the game.

There are some things that I like about this system, and there are some things that get a little repetitive. What I mainly like is that it gives you a good chance to get to know all of the playable characters. (And like them, because at one point they are the only main character.) Final Fantasy VIII is a notorious example about not having any focus on side characters. And it takes something away from the main game. (FF VIII is great anyway though.)

Each of the chapters has some towns to save, while building the characters personal stories. Giving it a feel like Dragon Quest VII, but only the good aspects of what that entails. It shared a few of the problems with getting hung up at a few places, but not nearly as bad, and it was probably my fault, as I was trying to run through the game very quickly.

The bad side, isn’t so bad. It’s just that you have to start out five different times at level 1. I actually didn’t get tired of it until the fifth chapter, and the feeling didn’t linger. Because that is when the game kicks into high gear.

I’m always impressed by Akira Toriyama’s creature and character designs, and this game is up to par with the rest. My favorite creature was easily the abracadabrador. Which is obviously what you get when you give a dog magic spells. This is just the best example though, as 90% of the creatures are named with puns. The hot dog is another example. The end bosses were designed really well, especially the end boss, that goes through 7 evolutions, and ends up looking pretty cool. (I think I was under leveled, but he was pretty challenging.)

The DS is a great system to play RPG’s on, especially with how easy it is to just close and put it in your pocket. There are literally a hundred uses for the second screen throughout the game that aren’t worth mentioning individually.

Not only was this a great port to the DS, but this is easily one of the best RPG’s to play for the DS. With a first play through time of under 40 hours, including all the bonus dungeons and side quests. And unless you get hopelessly stuck it remains fun throughout. In fact as soon as I put it down, I could feel myself reaching for it again. Definitely worth a second play through.

Another thing they did different from some other Dragon Quest games, was the party system, because you get 8 characters by the end, you can trade them in and out of you’re party (As long as you’re aloud to bring your wagon to the dungeon.) So it is a lot like what Final Fantasy X did, but way before it’s time. Although it didn’t do it as well. I could barely afford the equipment for four characters. I didn’t want to invest the time getting equipment for 8. So I stuck to a single party. (Although this is another good reason to go through the game again.)

The story apparently leads into the next game, and then into the sixth one. But they don’t leave you hanging at the end in any way. I would say spoiler alert about spoiling the ending in the next sentence, but an airship ride around the world, taking all of your characters back to their hometowns is a terrible cliche. One that you can go into any NES or SNES RPG expecting.

Going into bonus features, after you beat the end boss there is an extra chapter (only for the DS) that gives an extra, extra long, dungeon to play through. And then two extra, extra hard, bosses to fight. If you like a challenge it’s worth going through. But the story ends up 99% the same way it did before you go through it, so it shouldn’t be a requirement.

I would say more, but I’m literally not allowed to. This is a really good game, I can’t wait to play the next in the series. You can buy them both on amazon. Click here for IV! And here for V!

Yeah, I just did that. What has math ever done for me…….lately?

I was lucky enough to get an advanced copy of Star Wars Battlefront: Elite Squadron for the DS to review and I was quite excited to play.  I’ve never played a Battlefront game, but I’ve heard nothing but great things about this series and I had very, very high hopes.

There are three different types of gameplay in this title.  The first is a third person shooter where most of the action takes place.  Next is the starship mode, where you are “piloting” a ship (either a land vehicle or a star ship) and you basically dodge obstacles with your control pad and hold down the fire button.  The third is the capital ship mode.  In this mode, you’re basically a turret gunner on a track, firing at another capital ship.  As far as gameplay was concerned, I didn’t find anything very groundbreaking.  It seemed like pretty standard fare, if not a little boring.

Story wise, you’re a pair of brother clones, X1 and X2 who are fighting through the wars for whatever reason.  I’ve only been able to put a few hours into the game, so it could get cooler, but the story wasn’t really that big of a deal and, to be honest, I didn’t care too much for it.

The problem with the story, for me, came in with the writing.  There is dialogue from established characters (Palpatine, Anakin, Obi-wan, etc.) and none of it seems like it was written for the character.  It seems like it was written for the game as directions or exposition and after the fact they decided that they wanted to assign the bits of dialogue to specific characters.  It was terribly written.  The part that annoyed me the most on this front was the opening space battle from Revenge of the Sith.  You’re fighting as a pilot escorting Anakin and Obi-wan to General Grievous’ ship.  Anakin has a series of dialogue where he is derisively ordering you around and literally calling you “Clone.”  It would go something like, “Clone, go shoot at that ship over there.”  It didn’t fit with Anakin’s character for that scene of the movie at all…  It was very poorly done.

Overall, I’m going to have to say that, while I was pretty bored with this game, the repetition of action and challenge level was perfect for my son and he seems to be enjoying it very much.  This seemed very counter-intuitive to me.  I usually give things with the Star Wars brand, music and associated content most of a pass on the boredom factor, but this game I just couldn’t abide.  And usually with my son it’s the other way around.
Score

• Audio – 10 This was fine for a Star Wars game. It had all the right sounds.
• Controls – 7 They were repetitive and boring, but it’s a handheld game
• Story and Writing – 4 Jeez…
• Replay – 5
• Graphics – 8 Fine for a DS game

• Overall – 6

If you’re going to grab Star Wars Battlefront: Elite Squadron for a kid, please click the link to do so on Amazon.

And be sure to keep up with Swank on all the latest Star Wars news over at the Examiner.

Rhythm game fans and turntable enthusiasts get ready! DJ Hero is the next release from Activision’s music line, and after getting my hands on it I can say, that I wasn’t let down.

From first announcement I was pretty skeptical, realizing that one thing Activision does well is finds a vein, taps it, and then bleeds it dry(Tony Hawk anyone?). I feel no differently about the Guitar Hero franchise, they’re great games, but eventually you become numb to an idea, and it takes a great change to re-invigorate your love. I think DJ Hero has a good potential to do that for the rhythm games. The turntable is sturdy, and though its a bit smaller than an actual turntable, it feels and looks very close to the belt-driven one sitting by my stereo. Then allowing you to blend guitars into some of the tracks, and Microphone into others, they expand the way you are allowed to play. The source buttons make rhythmic tapping fun, using the green for left, blue for right and the red for your external sounds. The fader has a gentle notch so you can feel the center, but still requires some amount of finesse to hit exactly, making it an acquired skill through practice. I am really happy with the way it turned out. The mixes are great, well thought out, and the sound track is huge! Put that together with downloadable content, and I’m gonna say that it’s a well rounded game. With the potential of expansions and great new soundtracks.
Score

• Audio – 10(that’s kinda a given)
• Controls – 9
• Replay – 9
• graphics – 8 (meh, Usual GH/Rockish Artystyle)

• Overall – 9

CLICK Image below to buy on amazon

Well, they’ve done it again. Insomniac Games has dropped another Ratchet and Clank, and once again blown this robots mind. From the bright vibrant colors, to the goofy looking characters, this game is 100% polish. Fans of the existing franchise will not be disappointed, everything in this game feels like 100% Ratchet. Whether playing Clank running from Dr. Nefarious and his cronies at the great clock(built in the exact center of the universe give or take 50 feet). Or playing as Ratchet himself heading to the rescue you will find yourself quickly immersed in the environment and story. The audio is great and riddled with dynamic explosions, and new, the environment and character sounds, are well done. I don’t have tons of technical bitching, really just praise for this title, as PS3 owner you have a few other choices, but this definitely needs to be at the top of your list, and collection.

Score

• Graphics – 10
• Controls – 10
• Replay – 9
• Audio – 9

• Overall – 9.5

Click Image Below to Purchase on Amazon

After playing this I really only had one or two comments… Tekken 6 is still Tekken. SO if you’re a Tekken fan this game is phenomenal, the visuals look better than 5 of course, beautiful environments, great character models, smooth animations, and the technical fighting is still there. The only visual complaint I had was mild clipping during some of the replays and when the snow or other environment pieces were moving or cracking, it didn’t look quite, real, almost like the cleavage lines were directly on a polygon, and not well rounded.

Above: So Many Characters!!!

If you’d rather throw a fireball, then you’ll hate it just the same. The audio is well put together as with any fighter, solid collision noises, good pump-u-up style techno and rock music, and once again the characters look phenomenal. I can’t stress that enough because well damn they look so good! With 40 fighters, huge environments and once again this is a huge technical fighter, this game is what it promises. Tekken fans will not be disappointed, and I’m sure a new wave of gamers can jump into this, but once again, if Tekken was never your bag, it hasn’t changed much to make it yours.

Score

• Graphics – 8.5(mild environment problems)
• audio – 8
• Replay- 9
• Controls – 9.5

• overall – 8.5

Click Image Below to Purchase on Amazon

Racing games have long since pushed the boundaries of visual game play. Always toting that their cars look more real than the other guys cars, and Forza Motorsport 3 is no different. 1 thing that I have to pride them on as well is their beautiful backgrounds. Not only do their cars look photo realistic, but their environments you race in are stunning vivid and real. The thought that a team of people sat down and created every inch of this game is stunning. 400 hundred customizable cars from 50 manufacturers, and over 100 tracks that all look gorgeous, add real time damage and this game is a racing enthusiasts wet dream.
For us non racing enthusiasts there are a few features to really help you out. First of all, just as they did in Need for Speed Shift, there is the driving line, a dotted green line you can follow, and as long as your car is centered on it, you are in the optimal position on the track for all turns. If it turns yellow, break a bit, if it turns red break hard for the curve. This gives those of us (me included) that are oblivious to cars and their physics an opportunity to figure out how this works. The next addition similar to NFS Shift, is the pre race where after choosing your initial skill the game will actually assess you and give you a settings boost or reduction if needed. I actually found that in Forza terms I was a standard, not a casual, go ME!
MMMM pretty car
As far as the audio side of this title goes, I have to say I enjoyed the lack of blasting rock and roll soundtrack, instead they have some music playing (rock n’ roll, or other genres) but its pulled down so that you can hear the track, the music is present but not overbearing. Sadly, and this may be an oversight by me, but the cars all sound the same to me, it doesn’t feel as if they’ve spent the time to differentiate each engine type, or sound, every race i’ve heard the same stock drone, roar, and tire squeal.

All in all Forza 3 is a phenomenal racing title, and heavily recommended for you racing kids. Just this portion alone I had a blast, and I didn’t even delve into the car customization, the decal creation, xbox live content, and that entire side of the game. There is literally a year worth of game play in Forza Motorsport 3 making it fully worth the 59.99 price tag.

Score

• Audio – 8
• Controls – 10
• Graphics – 10
• Replay – 10

• Overall – 9

CLICK IMAGE TO BUY ON AMAZON

Sitting down to play this, I was ready for gore,and I was ready to cut some shit up.. But I was not ready to enjoy it so much. PlayLogics Fairytale fights puts you into their twisted version of what would happen, if four fairytale characters got ignored by their fans. Of course they would turn into blood-spilling “heroes!”.  As much fun as this game is, and it is a lot of fun.  We hit  a few snags that definitely hindered game play, a few semi- loose mechanics forcing us off of a cliff.  And getting stuck in the treasure chests more than once, (one time actually forcing us to restart the level to escape.)  Overall tho still a good game, just has a few polish issues.

I was definitely impressed with the amount of gameplay they offer. The girlfriend and I spent a solid 1.5 hours just blasting through the first quest, rescuing the magic pouridge pot from the evil lumberjacks. Battling them with muskets, swordfish, swordfish skeletons, chainsaws, hammers, and a continually growing list of zany weapons.

The absolute gore-fest that is this game is well-fitted to someone with a deranged sense of humor such as mine. After fighting one group of angry lumberjacks, my Snow White was dotted with their blood, and we were literally skating across pools of blood on the ground. (coincidentally if you can do this for 3 solid minutes you get an achievement.) The bright and exciting backgrounds provided by Playlogic keep the game exciting and interesting, and their precision slash system (roughly translated using the thumb stick for slashing instead of pressing a), gives you a different combat experience. The bosses are downright hilarious, without giving too much away I will say ripping off Pinnochio’s leg is currently one of my favorite video game experiences to date. Whether skating through blood, or dodging acid vomit from a giant beaver, this game is recommended for any deranged gamer. And If you’re not quite as deranged, I’d wait for a price drop and pick it up at a lower price point down the road.

Score

• Graphics 7.5 ( i give em an extra half for the creative artstyle)
• Audio – 7(music fits the game well, but as a whole doesn’t really grab me)
• controls – 7(getting stuck in chests, and occasionally falling off the map for no reason)
• replay – 8.5(this game’s great coop feel will keep this title kicking around your collection)

• Overall – 7.25

Buy this on Amazon

Earthworm Jim fans (who’s not an Earthworm Jim fan?!) rejoice! A remake of the classic video game has made its way to the iPhone and iPod Touch [$4.99 – iTunes link]! You can check out the game footage above and download it now if it tickles your fancy!

My copy of FIFA09 is getting all rutted and played out like Jenna Jameson on a Thursday. Luckily FIFA10 comes out tomorrow. I can hear the groaning already, and before you continue, let me explain to you as an American, soccer is the geekiest sport you could possibly like.

It’s like most other sports games, the changes being players showing up on the right teams after a couple of transfer windows but there are a few features to that have been added: Improvements to the manager mode and 360 degrees of control to name a couple I’m excited about. In all it should be #t=57s”>ORGASMIC JUBILIATION.