Code Red: from Techno Spawn
Series 15
Scale: 6inches, 7 ½ when erected
Released: October 1999
Spawn.com

“It’s survival of the fittest taken to the extreme. Spawn series 15 hatches a superior breed in the animal kingdom with its robotic blend of artillery and camouflage”. -spawn.com

“It’s the most detailed piece of shit for under 15 dollars. Its robot like features and burgundy-armor make for an easy target for any poacher, but be warned its packin heat… missile heat”! -Mexicus Prime

This “Ultra-Action Figure” is very misleading. The box states it’s a “Savage hybrid of animal flesh and machinery” but its “flesh” is made up of plastic and paint. Total fucking rip-off! The “machinery” is also made of plastic and doesn’t function at all. Why would McFarlane Toys package this gorgeous astronaut into such a lie!

When I purchased this, I wanted a full-functional mini-ape that I could send to the moon to ultimately blow-it up (No homo), now I’m stuck with a fucking collectible named “Code Red”? From now on, his name will be Codered…sounds sexual huh.

When you first look at Codered you notice extremely detailed machine-like cables throughout his entire body. I mean “her” body. Codered is now female. The coloring/paint work is beautifully done. Her armor, plates, and cables, have a battle-damaged feel to them. For example, her left shoulder has some paint scraped off and bits of black are worked in to show a withered look.

The question you’re probably asking yourselves is “Why would I want a Queen Latifah action figure from the future”? I’ll tell you why. The female gorilla tends to mature with 12 years (earlier in captivity). Their life spans are between 30-50 years! Most of us will be dead in that time, but Codered will live on and so will your collectibles! So, unless you are going to support the movie “Just Wright”, please support McFarlane’s Code Red figure from 1999. Either way you’ll help save silver and black-back gorillas for years to come.

Make a difference… amazon.com

X-Men X-Force: Cable Cyborg Action Figure
Scale: 7inches
Toy Biz 1995
Made in China

Cable is not a fucking cyborg! Jean Claude Van Damme is a cyborg!!! Now that’s out of the way let’s begin.

Being the huge Cable fan I am, I had to pick this masterpiece up. Of course, I couldn’t back in 1995 because I was too busy tracing Rob Liefeld’s covers and claiming them as my own. Much like Liefeld’s hand, leg, and women drawings…this figure is fuckin-fucked!

Nathan’s uniform is all Scott Summersed-out…Yes Homo! Navy and bright yellow never looked pleasing on pasty white Cyclops, so why do it to Cable? As for his arms, legs, and chest, they are thicker and harder than a She-Hulk orgasm!

As for accessories, “Fuuucckkk!” Cable has a shitty blaster from the future. Why is the gun stone-grey (Grey, Cable reference)? It’s from the future right?! Shouldn’t it be shiny like Lady Gaga’s clit piercing? The bullets/bullet holder is cool looking, which is supposed to rest on his shoulder (sorry no jokes for that). The last and most rewarding piece of Cable-magic is the skin attachments. The skin grafts help cover his Techno-Organic virus on his bicep and left side of his face. Apparently the virus is only spreading to these areas, so far. Thank God for that. I really didn’t want another T-1000 figure in my collection. Truth be told, I have no idea if they actually stay on his body. Who cares right? We should just be glad the Chinese packaged him with them. Can you imagine how embarrassed you’d feel walking around with the Techno-Organic virus and have no skin grafts to help mask your condition?!

Well I flipped a coin; it landed on tails, so that means…Don’t buy this. Cable’s a bad-ass, but this will make you want to shit on your comics, well at least the one’s Liefeld drew. Hey wait, hold on…I have to wipe!

In case you’re hot and bothered Amazon.com has this “NEW” for only $3.99

MARVEL DYNAM-X
THE UNCANNY X-MEN: WEAPON X
4TH EDITION WOLVERINE 1992
MADE IN CHINA
MANUFACTURED BY TOY BIZ, INC.

“Action figure has helmet! With Plug-in Cables”

When I was 7 years old I wanted an almost naked superhero toy with claws…who wouldn’t at that age?!

To start off, the packaging kicks ass, a very Barry Windsor-Smith-ish feel to the artwork. The packaging itself could double as a comic book cover. I believe most of these early 90’s toys did or at least try to.

Another plus for Wolverine, is his hot fuckin’ body!!! Well done on the muscles, his chest and calves are enough to make any grown man get harder than adamantium, “no homo”…

The battery-pack on his head (no that’s not a helmet Toy Biz) is crafted the same as it was in the comics minus all colors and details. His skin is hairless, so don’t plan on leaving him outside (he’ll get cold fighting wolves). His claws are rounded off at the end to prevent any harm to you or your collectibles. Thank God!!!

The weirdest/erotic feature is the “Ol-Canuckle-Head’s” hole posed hand? He doesn’t come packaged to hold anything whatsoever, yet he is ready to do so. He also could give a serious hand-job – healing factor-enhanced of course. His feet also bear the marks as well. Ready to be mounted, your joke goes here____________.

The “High-Tech Training Helmet”, red panties, and jack-off ready hand makes this a must have! Seriously, this is fuckin’ horrible! Find it on eBay or Amazon and buy all three versions: Red, Green, and the rare (very rare) YEeEeelLlLLOooOwwW!!! Orgasm achieved…

SCALE: 7in. PVC (12cm. X 17cm.)
Mon-Sieur BOME collection Vol. 26
Akira from “Sukapon-Do”
Sculpted by: BOME
Produced and Manufactured: Kaiyodo
www.kaiyodo.co.jp/

Organic Takumi Yano’s Akira from Sukapon-Do has got me a little confused… Not as confusing however as the first sentence, but close. Let’s make things clear:

1. Takumi Yano is the illustrator for this figure, “Akira”

2. BOME approached Yano about creating this figure based off his illustrations.

3. You probably have stopped reading by now.

4. Skip to the bottom and demand I stop writing these reviews.

Aside from the panties showing, (I love underwear) this figure is not as trashy as the person writing this review. The color scheme is beautiful with cool blues and soft pinks and purples, definitely helping promote a sort of innocent sensuality. Try saying that out loud with out sounding creepy… I can’t. Compared to the drawings she is on par almost perfectly – Big plus considering how affordable she is. Lap dances cost $20.00. This figure costs around the same and you can bring her home! (You still can’t touch) Rules are rules!

Highlights and details include: A frilly maid outfit, bobby-pins in hair, major cleavage, and a panty-shot.

Downsides: Stickers on packaging make figure hard to see and feeling guilty about owning a sexy-figure that doesn’t look a day over 13! Hey, fuck you! The breasts tell a different story!!!

This is one of the first figures that I’d say steer-clear from. Unless, you’re a die-hard anime supporter/collector. Even then, I’d say there’s much better BOME figures out there to collect. So what am I doing with it? Regretfully, it reminds me of the Missus, minus, well about everything… sorry Shanna.

Oh almost forgot… this is an “ADULT COLLECTIBLE. NOT A TOY” you might choke on her legs while you’re gagging yourself with it. You’ve been warned.

SPAWN VS URIZEN Deluxe Boxed Set
SPAWN REGENERATED SERIES 28
SCALE: SPAWN 2in. On base, URIZEN 10in. Outstretched on base.
Spawn.com

“The Spawn 28 deluxe box features Spawn VS Urizen in a recreation of their classic battle to the death as originally told in the Spawn comic book, issues #98 to #99.”

Sounds interesting enough…right?

If you’re like me you probably didn’t pick this up in 05’ as a spawn.com members-only collectible. No, most of us either purchased series 28 as a full set on Ebay/Amazon or individually hunted these fuckers down on E-bay or Amazon. Like me, y’all were probably suckered into this figure from the meticulous painting and detail from the prototype pictures. I too was a little disappointed with what I ended up with, but overall was happy with the purchase.

It’s rare that the main character acts as an accessory in this set! Refreshing is some way…for being only 2 inches (my penis size) it’s detailed very nicely. Spawn is featured in his traditional look: black and crimson with black shades topped off with spikes and chains off both arms and legs. His legs and chest have striations, showing muscles and a solid core. How many 2 inch figures have this much detail?

Urizen stands 8 inches giving him a massive look compared to his lil’ buddy Spawn. Though not very detailed, he does come equipped with articulation making him more poser friendly. With a little air-brush work you could really make this figure pop-off like the prototype pictures show, but again you’d have to do-it-yourself and that would require opening your box – No!!! Urizen comes with a scythe-like weapon that looks fuckin’ sweet and his chest is being blasted by necroplasm…not so fuckin’ sweet. Sorry Spawn fans.

I have not read the comics for this figure, but they seem to be doing battle in front of “Rocky’s Roadside Diner” Authentic to the story perhaps? Nerds/readers fill us in on that below please.

In closing if I ever was to open one figure’s box it would be this bad-ass bitch for sure! Great battle scene, interesting characters, and the exclusiveness makes this worth your bargain hunting/art project.

You can pick up Spawn vs Urizen over at amazon.com!

Todd McFarlane’s Manga Spawn
Ultra Action Figure Series 9
Scale: 7in. W/A 7in. Sword

“Pull off head and create Cyber-Sect and reveal hidden head.”

Why the fuck would a robot come equipped with insect wings?! Also, why would you throw in a sword the same size as the figure? It doesn’t make this blocky bullshit any better!

There isn’t much to discuss on the accessory side of things with Manga Spawn. You have a two-colored sword (silver/black) to help defeat enemies of “the temple of darkness” (GAY!!! (Even for 1997)). The head that sits cocked on top of the armor attaches to the insect wings on the back, creating a mechanical fly-like insect? (GAYER!!! (Even for 1997…))

The body structure is very blocky, see: rhinoceros. I’d imagine it would be hard to pose being so top heavy and the natural flow of the figure is hunched over. Actually, at a quick glance, it looks as if the figure is being fucked from behind (…You’ve got it by now.).

Although some may guess I’d have a gripe or two about the color I thought it didn’t look bad. The flat-black and red give Spawn some character. It may not be your typical shiny-plated steel, but it works for my taste.

This dumb piece of bullshit reminds me of when I was a kid trying to get the most bang for my buck. Also, wanting a figure I could smack into other kids toys, completely obliterating their gay-ass Spider-Man with this red boulder of a Spawn.

I feel this has enough child-like wants in an action figure. Articulation, transforming, and huge accessories on and off the figure. This makes it a go-get it for younger collectors of those looking for a decent series from the late 90’s. A little conflicted but overall, it’s fuckin dumb!

If you want to check out Manga Spawn for yourself, it’s available over at Amazon.com

Scale: 6 inches
Randall Cunningham QB 1985-1995
NFL Legends Series 5
McFarlane.com
Nfl.com

4 Time Pro-Bowler
29,979 career passing yards
207 career touchdown passes

Inspired by BACK EAST CHEESESTEAKS, Mexicus brings you his favorite McFarlane sports figure yet!

Spoiler alert: 10 out of 10 on all aspects! The detail and color on this figure is ridiculous. The most complete & affordable figure this side of Mexico or Philadelphia…

The next few paragraphs are gonna get really homo-erotic, sexual, and fierce!!! First gay sentence…check. Lets start from the ground on up shall we? The cleats are dirty white NIKE’s with black bottoms and checks. They are high-tops with the straps on top (really dope for the sneaker-heads to check out). Intricately detailed to show it’s in a state of actual game-play! Holy shit, right? When observing the socks you’ll notice every fiber and strands in the cotton. Randall is wearing NFL licensed pants that have both knee and quad pads. Fuck my football-ass…there are striations in this dude’s pants from the pads!

The most pleasing is from the football up to Cunningham’s shoulder. The ball is an authentic looking WILSON that looks too good to not be real. You can see the veins and bones in this figure’s hand from gripping the ball. Following upward…a sweat-band on his wrist (very detailed) followed be a long sleeve tee that once again shows great movement with the natural bend of a jersey in motion.

The only gripe (if any) is very minute. The face mask looks a little choppy; the color is also a little off as well. However, the chin strap, helmet, and details to the athlete’s face more than make up for this small blunder.

If it’s great vibrant colors, fine detailed figures, or you’re just a fan of one of the best QB’s of all time – any collector or sports enthusiast needs to make this purchase to compliment their collection. ‘Nuff said…

Pick this classy figure up at amazon.com for only $9.95!

Scale: 9inches
Power Girl
Manufactured by: DC Direct
Series: Ame-Comi
Sculpted by: Jack Mathews
Designed by: UDON studios
www.dcdirectonline.com

Fuck Boobs!!! I hate them now…

As it reads on the packaging: “As strong-willed as she is strong-armed, Earth-two beauty Kara Starr has proven to be a stellar first chairwoman of the Justice Society of America.” She looks like a fucking 4 year-old with enormous boobs! Disgusting & awkward bests describes this abomination. Easily the worst PVC figure I’ve ever purchased/seen. But, let’s start with the good shall we…

The head on Power Girl is the only semi-detailed portion on this disastrous damsel. I like her hair-style and hair color. The eyes have a three-tone blue that works really well with the youthful glow in her face. The rest of her body however is a complete mess!

What’s the deal with her long-ass Wilt Chamberlin legs, dull costume details, & very poor painted clothing including this gay-ass spawn cape?! Oh, and let’s not forget the obnoxious stand that comes with it. It’s completely different, style-wise, from the color of the figure. Would you want Batman sporting some neon pink cross trainers? So why would you want to contrast dull with metallic (stand to costume)? I understand what they were trying to do but it results in looking like two clowns having sex and then lighting themselves on fire! Bear with me…

The big kicker is who is buying this shit?! The choking hazard warns about small parts “Not for children under 3”, then states on top “For ages 14 & up”. Confused? I thought all kids between these ages are playing Modern Warfare 2, not collecting figures. If you’re older and own this, you’re a bigger dumb-ass than me! The price sticker boasts that it’s a… “High-end collectible” but this is filler from planet Fuckyourself!

I would never recommend this over-priced piece of shit to anyone, unless of course, you bought this at 80% off and was thinking of making a profit off it one day (I’m such a sucker). I may still be able to sell it once these kids start looking at boobs again. It sucked me in with boobs, now I hate boobs. You’ve been warned…

If you’re dumb enough, you can buy this figure now from Amazon.com for $120…

Chun Li (Orange)
Sculpted by: YAMATO
Make: PVC
Company: Capcom Girls Collection
www.yamatotoysusa.com

Good gifts come in great packages!

A navy, open faced plastic packaged box (with white pin-stripes) are hardly the marks of a beautiful, display-friendly PVC figure. With the exception of your standard chocking hazard warning, the only other information on the box is the words: “CAPCOM GIRLS COLLECTION FIGHTING” (in that order). Who gives a fuck? Well, Asshole… look inside the box! Inside the outer-part of the box is an amazing penciled portrait of Chun Li. Anyone with the information about the artist inside please kidnap him/her and have them draw for you – only pay by feeding them Jalapeno Cheetos & generous oral sex. They should never want to leave after that, I promise. I can only speculate that an artist for Yamato is responsible – if not Yamato himself – for my eye-gasm.

Chun Li is sold in her classic baby blue outfit, or if you want to save between 10-30 dollars, she is available in orange! With a name like Mexicus Prime, it’s only right that I have the orange version (fuck my life). Regardless of what your taste (race) is she still is accented perfectly. Hair pieces, wrist spikes, and a gold trim on her outfit holds this even more true to the Street Fighter fans who want authenticity at an affordable price.

Amazon.com’s product review is a bit harsh. Stating that because this figure is “mass produced” it may have “inconsistencies in the surface/painting”; If you want perfection be ready for some “touch-up work”. I respectfully disagree. Even the most minute places have color or detail of some sort. Light-pink liner on the eyes, swirling effects on the outfit (from winding up a spinning star kick), and a flame stand twirling counter-clockwise to further add to the motion.

Perhaps I was lucky enough to get the best pick in the litter? For the price, artwork, and original stance it’s hard to not to include this (or consider it) top tier for affordable figures/collectibles.

You can pick up your own Chun Li figure now at Amazon.com!

Scale: 7in. PVC
“Misty May” from “Graffiti of Otaku Generation” Mon-Sieur BOME Collection 20
Sculpted By: BOME
Produced and Manufactured: Kaiyodo
www.kaiyodo.co.jp/

What’s greater than the figure itself is the warning that comes with it: “Contains small parts, not for children under 3 years of age!”. What kid is going to purchase an adult collectible?! Thank God i’s a choking hazard – in case those little shits do buy one.

The first thing you notice (and then immediately ask yourself is “Why?”) is that this PVC anime figure is giving herself a thumbs-up almost literally up her own butt. A closer look will reveal her hand ready to hold a gold rod with a heart at the end surrounded by wings (what the fuck?!) positioned behind her. The other two accessories are 2 lion cubs (Posi-king & Nega-king). These 2 dog/lion looking figures are weird as hell. The male has his arms folded standing proud on both legs exposing his genitals. The bitch (or “female”) counterpart is posing in the classic “thinking man” stance trying to be sassy with her anime seductress. All accessories are painted very well to show human like expressions and detailed costumes.

Misty May is painted fairly well, though I hate the black gloves. They have a slight purple tinting to the forearms giving this figure more depth along with the two-tone faded pink hair. Redeeming? No. It seems BOME has only given the most attention/work to her from the waist up. The coloring on Misty’s stockings should have had a black lining on top to help compliment her overall look with the gloves. Instead, we’re given a soft purple stocking throughout down to her red pumps.

Although I’m very pleased with her on all fours, open mouthed, and detailed breasts…I still could only recommend this for horny-perverts and bargain anime hunters.

Which are you?

You can pick up your own Misty May over at Amazon.com!