Normally I’m a great defender of “Teen Wolf,” because it has a lot of the things I love and require in my top television shows. Supernatural creatures, great characters, snappy dialogue … but the first half of season five has been a poor representation of the show formerly known as “Teen Wolf.”

For the remainder of this recap of the midseason finale, “Status Asthmaticus,” I will think of “Teen Wolf” as a different name. Let’s say it’s called “Slo-Mo Wolf.”

This season has been really un-fun to watch, for reasons that were all present during the lackluster episode. Slo-Mo Wolf has featured exactly that – many many many shots in slow motion, which, used effectively, can be powerful. But in the case of season five, they are so common I have been tempted to watch the show in fast forward just to get things to a normal speed.

The other thing the show has turned to is the dreaded ambiguity and thinly spread plot that reminds me a bit of “Pretty Little Liars,” where nothing makes sense and things you’re supposed to be impacted by are difficult to remember. There was a book that was supposed to be helpful? But that didn’t make sense. There were Dread Doctors, who barely made an appearance in the episode. There was the Desert Wolf sub-plot that I don’t care about at all. There were many many new characters introduced, killed and then – tonight – resurrected. 

What?

And worst of all, the characters barely have a relationship anymore. Stiles and Malia are supposed to be dating but have hardly looked at each other in eight episodes. Kira left town. Scott and Stiles are fighting. Liam is getting too much attention, and his cute girlfriend, while cute, is too new of a character to stir much emotion. The only person whose happiness I’m really concerned with at the moment is Melissa McCall, who actually saved the day.

It’s a shame to me when a really fun supernatural show starts off as a treat and turns into a dramatic, dragging, dark disaster of too much buildup for no payoff, too many characters nobody likes and trying too hard to bring their heroes down. They’re werewolves, werecoyotes, banshees, kitsunes and #voidstiles (whatever that is) – their lives are hard enough. Let them play lacrosse.

The Big Reveals of the episode were that Theo is evil AND a chimera, the answer to #whatisparrish and that Tracy, Hayden, Donovan and that fourth guy whose name I can’t remember because he wasn’t significant enough have been brought back to life to serve as Theo’s pack. Scott died, but he’s back. Hayden died, but she’s back. Lydia and the Sheriff are in peril but most likely okay. Kira … ??? 

My point is, nothing in this episode made me think “wow I cannot wait for the second half of season five.” It made me think “wow I am going to go re-watch season 3 because this show used to be really fun.” The only major high point was that they finally revealed Parrish to be a humanoid version of a Hellhound (weird, but cool) and I can finally update my Teen Wolf fanfic.

Best Line

“I’m dating Malia now.” –My Sister, upon witnessing the total lack of spark or communication between Stalia

Welcome back, faithful pack. This week on Teen Wolf, Sheriff Stilinski is going out on a date with a mystery woman! And, like Stiles, I want to know. (I hope it’s Melissa.)

I don’t know who this troublemaking kid is but he is a n g r y. And as we know, anger is a major trigger for supernatural stuff. Does anyone think he’s a creature of some kind? Or just a really confident murderer. Of course Stiles baits him. (Hi, Parrish.)

Hang on just one second. Is that clear drippy grossness coming from the ceiling of the sheriff van … kanima venom? The driver becomes paralyzed, and Tracy shows up to slaughter everyone inside – except crazy murder guy. Good one, Tracy. But who is her Friend? As we know, someone was controlling Jackson when she was a kanima. 

One of my favorite things about TV nowadays is the hashtags the networks come up with. #DonovanisDOOMED flashed up on the screen at this point, as The Doctors took hold of him and drilled into his ear. With a drill. Ew.

And this was all before the intro!

The girls are going on a drive with Malia, which is as bad of an idea as the fact that her dad apparently bought her a new car. Lydia gets a Banshee Premonition, and steers the girls to the bloody van. It turns out Tracy killed her father, which is essentially … terrifying. Stalinski puts Scott on the case (cool flip), but Stiles is pretty sure the culprit is Theo. Who is conveniently lurking in the shadows.

Assuming she’s a wolf, the gang decides to track down Tracy and deal with her in whatever way her behavior merits. They’re all facing a grim prospect, but Mason – new to the “inner circle” is simply enjoying the madness. As I would be.

Scott is succeeding in AP Biology! His perfect hair teacher is giving him the opportunity to lead the class in a discussion … but it turns out the murderer herself has come to school. Her underbite suggests she is quite unstable. So do the claws. Liam pulls the fire alarm, and Gum Girl sticks around, overly concerned about her loony classmate. Gum Girl, run! When Tracy looks at Scott, Liam and Mr. Yakimura, she only sees The Doctors, and offers the warning that they are “coming for all of us.” 

Then she flops on the ground, and a bunch of grey liquid seeps from her mouth. Gum Girl is still worried.

Ahoy! The return of Satomi, and more importantly: Brett! Mason and I are on board with him 100%. 

With Tracy behind a mountain ash circle, Kira and Lydia head to her house to check things out. Back at the animal clinic, Malia tests the ash, citing its force field as “weird.” At Tracy’s, the girls find a dreamcatcher given to her by her dad … and realize she’s still experiencing a night terror. She can’t wake up. Deaton flips Tracy over to reveal a scary worm-like thing moving under her skin … which then opens up inside her, revealing her deadly tail, which slices each of them.

She proceeds to run straight through the mountain ash circle, leaving Scott, Stiles, Deaton and Malia paralyzed on the ground.

But no supernatural creature should be able to leave that circle. Theory: the doctors aren’t creating real supernaturals, just somehow giving them the powers. Like when Mystique morphs into Wolverine, but her claws aren’t as strong as his.

In the woods, Mason falls into the hole Liam spent some time in during last season. Brett the giant helps him out like it was no big thing. And then he, Liam and Mason deduce that Tracy had been buried in that hole. Yikes.

Malia recovers first from the Kanima venom, and waddles off to stop Tracy, alone. Will she kill her? It is her first instinct. 

For whatever reason, Tracy seems to be attacking the people who were trying to help her through her parasomnia … and they realize who that includes. (HAHAHA STALINSKI AND NATALIE MARTIN ARE ON A DATE! Why is that funny? Because they’re married in real life.) Lydia and Kira rush to the station, and get there just in time to warn the adults that a crazy monster is hunting them. Mrs. Martin is about to have an extremely memorable first date.

Kira really deserves to have a Big moment more often, and in this case she not only showed off her sword skills, but her entire glpwing body attacked Tracy the Kanima, and sliced off her tail. Go Thunder Kitsune!

Theo comes to the suspicious rescue of Scott, Deaton and Stlies, offering to help, but Malia is still on the trail. She arrives too late at the sheriff’s office to paralyzed and bleeding friends – the only one who can help. Tracy has paralyzed Natalie, and Malia attacks, nearly choking Tracy to death. She backs away and tries to convince Tracy that it’s all real … when The Doctors appear. They inject Tracy with more silver/grey goop … and she dies. Held there by one of the Docs, Malia watches the whole thing – but they don’t do her any harm.

So now that Malia has seen The Doctors, and crazy murdery guy is turning into something in his cell … #whatisparrish? i’m saying, too many mysteries, too many characters … not enough happening. What are your thoughts so far on season 5?

Best Lines

“Now she’s the night terror.” -Stiles, on Tracy the murdering kanima

“Your feelings usually lead to dead bodies.” Kira on following Lydia’s intuition

Part two of the season opener aired tonight, and it was pretty sketchy. Starting with the fact that new girl Tracy vomited black goo and feathers all over Mrs. Martin’s desk. Yuck.

Tracy has been having what she’s determined are night terrors – incredibly realistic nightmares accompanied by sleepwalking known as parasomnia. She insists the dreams feel real, and what do you know, they are. Parrish and Lydia go to investigate Tracy’s claims that birds were trying to get in her skylight, only to find bloody claw marks and many dead bird carcasses lying on her roof. She is haunted by a mysterious ticking noise, and starts to use the mantra “it’s not real,” to calm herself.

At the same time, Stiles’ distrust of Mike … sorry, Theo … leads him to launch a full scale investigation including handwriting analysis. Now, I’m cliqueish. I always immediately dislike new characters, so I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, just like Scott would want me to. But Stiles and I were right, as it turns out.

Malia is featured for a couple of one-liners and a moment of terrible driving, where she experiences PTSD that flashes back to the night she killed her adoptive mother and little sister. Me too, Malia. Cars are the worst.

Mason is one of my favorite additions to the cast, because he’s attractive and because he seems really chill. When he and Liam are chased by a wolf into the school, and Liam has to face it with a mouth full of fangs and hands full of claws, Mason is delighted. “You’re a WEREWOLF!” he exclaims.

My favorite part of all of the Liam/Mason stuff (minus the fact they’re trying to make them the new Scott/Stiles a little bit) was Stiles giving Liam the advice to tell him the truth. “It’s always better when they know,” Stiles said. And that’s a huge part of why I love “Teen Wolf.” Although there is an effort to keep people out of the supernatural world for their own protection, it’s not a web of lies. Parents, teachers, friends – everybody is there to support each other.

Anyway back to Theo, who Stiles and Liam trail into the woods to catch him doing something shady. What they do find him doing is throwing a lily into the river below a bridge. The whole thing felt a little Mystic Falls to me and that obviously made me have less than zero sympathy for the kid. Then the kicker – in one of the final scenes of the episode he is seen threatening a man and woman who are posing (?) as his parents. And he smashes his “dad’s” hand with a hammer. So that’s not normal.

Tracy, sleepwalking in incredibly cute pajamas, walks right past Parrish and Lydia on their stakeout date (Team Stydia, but actually just Lydia + anyone) and straight into the hands of the doctors. They inject her with something, and trigger or “awaken” her to her powers.

We’ll just have to wait till next week to see what exactly that means.

Best Line:

“My parents are Peter, and The Desert Wolf.” – Malia, after Stiles says you can’t trust people with questionable parentage

This episode was bonkers. First there was the opening sequence, which featured Lydia having more than a little bit of power on her side, using sonic screams and martial arts to take down a bunch of Eichen House guards/doctors. Then the return of Aiden (?) and an appearance by Scott’s old best friend, Mike Montgomery. Oh I mean … Theo. Combined with some majorly emotional initial inscribing, I walked away from the season five opener with tear stained cheeks and a bunch of little question marks floating around my head.

Since the episode is a two-parter, this hour had a lot of set up. Liam is in control, but still learning. Derek is … nowhere to be seen (but not gone forever, Jeff Davis promised). Malia is living happily with her adopted father, who seems unsurprised by her super strength. Kira and Scott are still bad at communicating, but ultimately a good pair. Lydia was essentially AWOL, except for popping up in a sort of fever dream to almost-kiss Parrish. And Stiles, good old Stiles, the heart of the show, is making plans for the future where his pack stays together for college.

Of course after a conversation that exactly mirrors one Seth and Ryan have in the O.C. episode titled “The Pot Stirrer,” where they are concerned things have been too quiet for too long, a new Big Bad is revealed in the form of a man who lives in a wall, is covered in goo, and has glowing blue claws. And he’s after our True Alpha.

Search me, I have no idea what he is, but it’s clear he is merely a pawn in the games of three eerie doctors, who keep their faces covered and do not give second chances. Despite a great fight scene that featured – and this is important – A BELT SWORD from Kira – Glowing Claws doesn’t appear to complete his mission, and is terminated. And a bunch of crows (ravens?) fly out of his chest. Yikes

Finally, Our Heroes make it to the big event at the high school, which is to sign your initials on a shelf in the library. It appears to be a right of passage, as Stiles spots Derek’s initials from an earlier batch. I’ve never seen such a simple act create so much emotion – as Malia struggles to decide whether to consider herself a Tate or a Hale (and lands on Tate), and Scott steps up to do his Alpha duty by making us all cry. He simply writes the initials A.A. underneath his own, in memory of his first girlfriend and fallen member of their pack, Allison Argent. The friends have a moment of silence in her honor. The viewers at home are gasping between sobs.

Then, the true sucker punch. Lydia in Eichen House, the Lydia with incredible powers, is in the present. Senior year is a distant memory – one that is apparently full of tragedy. Melissa McCall slaps Sheriff Stilinski, Malia is seemingly attacked by her mother The Desert Wolf, Kira leaves town … and there’s a flashback of Stiles hanging limply from his upside-down Jeep.

What the hell happened to Scott’s pack during their final year of high school? Who are these evil doctors? Where is Derek? WHAT IS PARRISH? All this and more, in the subsequent nine episodes of season five. Stay tuned, Wolf Pack.

Best Line(s)

“Fun like bowling? Or fun like sex with other guys?” – Malia Tate

“What’s at midnight?” – Liam Dunbar
“Your bedtime.” – Stiles Stalinski

The best supernatural teen show on television returns in a mere seven days – so you all have time to catch up on season 4. If you need a refresh, here’s what happened: (If you haven’t watched “Teen Wolf,” scroll to the end and I’ll try to convince you to fix that.)

The supernaturals of Beacon Hills came under attack when their names were released with million-dollar values attached to them. The Pack managed to stay alive despite many professional killers attempting to dispatch them, AND foil the power-hungry plans of Kate and Peter. The Mute, The Chemist, The Orphans, berserkers, Brunski and that one stupid cop all came for them and ended up worse for it.

Where Are They?

Scott McCall: Has been coming into his True Alpha powers – with more strength and a few extra fangs. Had a run-in with Kate Argent that meant he became a berserker for a while, but was saved by his Beta, Liam. Still hasn’t killed anyone.

Stiles Stalinski: Held at gunpoint, again. Managed to help everyone solve a mystery or two and became the person to ultimately halt the deadpool and all the senseless killings of supernaturals.

Lydia Martin: Discovered more about her powers thanks to Meredith and her own grandma. Is learning to channel her abilities and become useful instead of constantly confused. Got to use a baseball bat against a berserker.

Kira Yukimura: Joined the lacrosse team! And became a real kitsune by earning her first tail. Took on assassins, berserkers and her parents threatening to move. And won.

Malia Tate/Hale: Learned who her father is, and learned how to control her powers. Is on the hunt for her mom, The Desert Wolf. Now tells people her favorite food is pizza, not deer.

Liam Dunbar: Became a werewolf, and conquered his anger issues. Realized he isn’t a fighter, suffered from PTSD, embraced the Buddhist mantra thanks to help from Derek and Stiles.

What Are They?

Jordan Parrish: Still no word on what Parrish actually is. We know he was called to Beacon Hills by the Nemeton, that he survived fire, has a talent diffusing bombs, looks young for his age, and only makes $40 thousand a year. What does it all point to?! #whatisparrish

Derek Hale: After totally dying, and coming back as a full wolf, Derek told Kate he was “evolving.” We know Peter was able to go full wolf back in season 1 when he was an Alpha, but what does it mean for Beta Derek? How will his badass girlfriend Braeden deal with it?

Best Episode: Weaponized

The season’s seventh episode, it is one of the most intense. While The Pack goes to take the PSAT at the school, an assassin called The Chemist infects them all with a strange illness that results in a visit from the CDC, and the school being quarantined. (Seriously, go back and watch this episode.)

Best Shipper Moments

Stalia: Malia explaining her highlighter method – which perfectly matches the colors of strings Stiles uses for solving mysteries. He looks at her with understanding, they kiss.

Stydia: Stiles and Lydia trapped in Eichen House, about to be murdered. He tells her to focus on the sound of his voice – the two of them see each other through another traumatizing moment.

Creature Count

If I’m getting this right, we saw a deadpool that included wendigos, werewolves, a werecoyote, a werejaguar, a kitsune and a banshee. We saw a guy with a third eye, which thus far doesn’t make much sense to me. Also on the deadpool: the name of my high school best friend Liz Moore. (#whatisliz)

What’s With “Teen Wolf?”

If you haven’t watched before, I still think there’s time to catch up. “Teen Wolf” is all the stuff you love about “The Vampire Diaries,” “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” and “Supernatural.” I was a skeptic myself, it being the brainchild of the same network that gave us “Punk’d,” but it has become one of my favorite shows.

It’s all about strength and loyalty and fighting together. The cast is quietly diverse and incredibly talented, with meaty roles for everyone involved. The show’s creator and writer, Jeff Davis, has steered it into a world of complex mythology and interesting creatures without becoming silly or sappy. It’s really a wild ride.

The shelves will be stocked on June 17 with an interesting mix of must-own family films, a couple sleepers, great gifts for nerds of all types, and a very interesting contribution from the Icelandic Phallological Museum.

“The Grand Budapest Hotel” – Wes Anderson’s eighth directorial effort features one of the most amazing casts in recent memory, Ralph Fiennes in what many are calling his best role, glorious symmetry, and Adrien Brody’s eyebrows. The film has a solid 92% fresh score on Rotten Tomatoes, and the blu-ray will include several featurettes.

“The LEGO Movie” – It’s not often that I buy a movie without seeing it, but this one definitely meets the criteria. It’s got a stellar voice cast, a quest, a ragtag group of characters, and literally every single person I have spoken with who did see the movie reports that it’s on their “best-of” list. It’s currently holding a 96% fresh rating. Special features include several featurettes, commentary, a sing-along, deleted scenes and outtakes. And if you don’t like outtakes from animated films I’m just gonna have to break up with you.

“Ernest and Celestine” – I saw every single feature-length film that was nominated for an Oscar this year, except this one. French animation isn’t exactly a money maker in my hometown, sadly, so while I might not be waiting at my local retailer for the doors to open, I am super excited that this film’s home release has arrived. The blu-ray will include a making-of featurette, animatics of the storyboards, and interview with co-director Benjamin Renner, and most importantly, the original French audio track. Can’t wait to feast my eyes on this delicate animation. 

“Joe” – While it’s true that French animation doesn’t play to big numbers here, Nic Cage action usually does. “Joe,” however, would seem to be a return to really awesome and slightly weird Nic Cage. It was a quiet release that holds a respectable 86% fresh score and was helmed by David Gordon Green, whose noteworthy credits include “Pineapple Express” and “Eastbound and Down.” Well I’m officially intrigued. This disc will include director, composer and actor commentary, a featurette and deleted scenes.

“Walk of Shame” – I love you, Elizabeth Banks. Like, a lot. Add that to the fact that I’ve somehow convinced myself that getting movies from Netflix means I’m basically watching them for free (no, I can’t walk you through that logic don’t even ask) and I might queue this one up one day. But this movie got some pretty vitriolic critic responses and is only grabbing a 13% on Rotten Tomatoes. To put that in perspective, “The Room” has a 33% score. But if you absolutely want to give Banks mad support or your just a huge fan of the Stephen Brill oevre, let me know how this one pans out, yeah?

“Teen Wolf,” Season Three Part Two – One of my greatest pet peeves is DVD releases that arrive one week after a season premiere. How am I supposed to get my binge-watch on to get psyched? Thankfully, Mtv is considerate of my needs and release its most recent Teen Wolf installment one week before season four premieres. If you need me, I will be deep in a Hale hole. 

“House of Cards,” Season Two – because Netflix is too stingy to stream their special features.

“Wilfred,” Season Three – I don’t know you guys. This show is about nerdy Frodo and his neighbor’s dog that manifests as a dude with an Australian accent in furry suit and it just makes me uncomfortable. 

“Regular Show,” Season Three – You know what? It’s totally OK to tell yourself this is for your kids while you know well and good it’s for the weekend they’re at Grandma’s and you can bust out the glass bong. I will cosign that for you.

“Masterpiece Mystery!: The Escape Artist” – My interest in this series hinges solely on whether it is British David Tennant or Original Scottish Flavor. I kid, mostly, as I was raised without cable on PBS and Masterpiece works, and they’ve been superior quality for as long as I can remember. 

Brace thyselves for the Criterion releases.

Judex is available for the first time on DVD/Blu-ray, and if you’re a fan of tales of illusionists, masked crusaders, if you like the noir, or are just generally into things that are awesome, check this movie out. The features read like a syllabus to a French Cinema class (but, like, in a good way) and this one holds an impressive 100% score over at Rotten Tomatoes. Check this one out.

Hearts and Minds – Peter Davis’s Vietnam documentary will not be easy to watch, but it’s an important piece of cinema and a stark eye on American history. The Criterion release will include a commentary from Davis and over two hours of his unused footage. Criterion calls this “the most important non-fiction film ever made about this devastating period in history.” 

“Picnic at Hanging Rock” – Have you not seen this movie? Oh my god, remedy that tout de suite. Director Peter Weir has made many more financially successful films, but this one will always top my list and the Criterion release notes already have me making with the grabby hands. The film received a high definition transfer, supervised by Weir, an interview with the director, and a new featurette as well as a documentary from 1975 featuring the director and the source author. 

Oh! I almost forgot the Icelandic penis documentary! 

“The Final Member” – Seriously. I apologize for making jokes, because this actually sounds fascinating. We’re introduced to the Icelandic Phallological Museum, the only museum in the world dedicated to perfectly preserved penile specimens. The museum is currently lacking a human specimen, however, and the documentary follows two men in competition to be named donor. 

Anything on this list you’re super excited to see? Any recommendations to buy or borrow? Share your thoughts and shopping lists with us below!