Editors note: This transmission was beamed to me by rebel spies in the midst of the night. Spybot 9000 (Adam McDonald) was forced to see Twilight and put together this review of the latest film in the series.
I’ll say, he was kinder to it than I expected we’d see. Without further ado:
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part One is a very hard movie to review. It’s not that the film doesn’t accomplish what it set out to do; it does, and Twilight fans will absolutely love every moment they spend in the theater. That said, there are a LOT of issues they will gloss over which I don’t think anyone else will be able to ignore. When the books came out, I read them based on the incredible word of mouth and did enjoy them for what they were — sugar coated young adult fantasy aimed at teenage girls. Once I finished Breaking Dawn, though, I set them aside knowing I would most likely not revisit them again in the future — one reading was enough. Unfortunately, the movies all paled in comparison to the novels, as they were hampered by bad acting, writing, special effects, etc. All of these things rear their heads in Breaking Dawn Part One, but the worst offense is that this is only part one and there is a part two to follow next year. The unfortunate idea to split the final book into two movies, while understandable from the studio’s standpoint, being the cash cow it is, leaves the non die-hard fan with a bad taste in their mouth as this decision causes the story to drag on and on, making the hour and forty minutes seem twice as long. While Deathly Hallows was able to pull off splitting the book for the movies, there just isn’t enough content in Breaking Dawn to do the same, and that is the film’s downfall.
I would say spoiler alert, but since this is based off a book that came out a few years ago, I assume the reader is somewhat familiar with what is taking place in the story, but if you’re not, you’ve been warned.
The day of Bella and Edward’s wedding has almost arrived, and while the two of them and the Cullens are busy prepping for the big event, not everyone is as excited as they are. Jacob is angry not only about the fact Bella chose Edward over him, but also because he realizes it won’t be long until she will be turned into a hated vampire. Freaking out on receiving the wedding invitation, he transforms and runs off, apparently to boycott the wedding. He does change his mind and show up to wish her well, but is horrified to learn they are going to engage in honeymoon activities before she has been turned. Sure enough, vampire/human sex is pretty rough on the human involved, and the bruises he caused makes Edward feel even guiltier than usual, so he refuses to touch her the rest of the honeymoon. Instead, they play chess (with red and white pieces, in a not so clever nod to the cover of the book) no matter what kind of lingerie Bella puts on, or how she tries to seduce him. Their first time did the trick, however, as it is revealed that Bella is impossibly pregnant. Not only is this hybrid child developing much faster than a normal fetus should be, but this accelerated growth is slowly killing Bella as it literally drains her of all her energy. Bella goes into labor and delivers via C-Section, only to die after seeing her daughter for the first time. Edward immediately begins the process of turning her in an effort to save her life, and the movie ends as Bella wakes up, a vampire. The credits roll, there is a short scene that sets up the next movie, and we get a ‘to be concluded’ message.
Overall, the story is interesting, unfortunately, the execution is much too flawed to be enjoyed. When I said earlier that the movie drags, it was almost an understatement. I would say a good half of the movie focuses on people staring into the camera, walking through rooms or up and down stairs, and doing absolutely nothing. Sure, when Bella and Edward honeymoon in Rio and on their private island, pull the camera back and focus on the grandeur of the locale and the flavor of the culture, but don’t do the same thing when walking through the forest around the Cullens’ house that we’ve spent hours seeing in the previous movies. Bella, we get that you’re confused that you’re carrying Edward’s child because you shouldn’t have been able to get pregnant with him, but the ten minutes you spend touching your belly and gazing into a mirror, jaw agape (and in slow motion, for some reason) jars the viewer out of the experience and reminds them they’re just in a theater.
It’s glaringly obvious the screenwriter was doing whatever they could to meet the producers’ demands, but there just isn’t enough in the book to warrant stretching the story over two movies. What I would have preferred would have been a tighter script and a movie that was about thirty minutes longer that encompassed all of Breaking Dawn. Considering where this one ended, I can’t even imagine how they are going to turn the leftover content into another two hour movie. The events shown could have easily taken place in a little over an hour, with the rest of the book wrapping up in about the same amount of time. But, no, the studio wanted to milk this for all it’s worth, so we are getting two sub par movies instead of one decent one.
In the end, though, I’m fully aware that this film was not targeted at me, but to the hardcore fans, and my thoughts and those of all the critics really won’t make any difference to the success of this movie. They will turn out in droves to see it (multiple times, most likely), and they will completely eat it up as the ones in the theater did. Unfortunately for everyone else who will be dragged along with their friends of significant others, be prepared to settle in for the long haul and understand that there is going to be a lot of nothing happening for most of the movie.
Get lots of snacks or sneak in a flask; you’ll probably need both to get through it all.
