Every week round Thursday I will post a new review for a Movie you don’t have to watch. I take it upon myself to seek out the dredges and dark side of the movie making business and bring to light the ugliness with which they were created. Consider this a guide to the movies you shouldn’t ever watch. This week’s movie…
There comes a time in every man and woman’s life where they watch a B movie. Everyone has done it and some of us don’t want to admit to it. Some of them were passable and can be laughed at with a group of friends, some of them we cherish even though its still a poor movie, and yet others still we weep at the thought of ever having to watch them again. This is the story of one of those movies.
I was browsing the used movie racks at FYE and hopped into horror just to see what they had. This little gem caught my eye from the poster work and I decided that for five bucks I would buy it. My roommate had a laugh at the title and asked me to give him a shortened version of it later. So I went upstairs, played some warcraft then sat down to watch what I expected to be nice romp into some ludicrous black magic.
The film starts out simple enough, as was usual for a lot of movies in the 1970’s the credits roll first and there is a pair of eyes staring at you while some swirly psychedelic patterns twist around the eyes. There is bad electronic music playing and then after the credits finish it cuts to the Head witch Mara doing an incantation. There are women around and a guy strapped to the floor with small blood trails on his chest. Incantation finishes and women start dancing… not very well but I do like their costumes.
There’s this silent mountain man guy that just stands there and stares. The women grab fire pots and dance with them. There is a black guy beating on some drums that don’t match the poor electronic beats of the music. The women put the fire pots down, grab some spears and form in a circle around the guy. The mountain man says “Kill! Kill!” Mara the head witch puts a Kabuki looking mask over her face while they thrust down with the spears. She pulls it away….
So that’s the opening sequence of the movie. So far so good.
Its described that Vasago is one of the 72 demonic entities that have been known to witches since time immemorial. Vasago is the seer and all who seek him within the crystal will see what he has to show them… what? Yeah ok making up some mythos sure I’ll go along with that. At this point in the film there are really bad pauses. Here’s an example.
Normal (should of been said)
“These are the tools of my profession.”
What was said
“We are most interested in these objects of….. intrigue.”
“Thank you, These are the tools of my…… profession.”
This guy hires Mara to assassinate the Ambassador to the United Nations from Rhodesia… do they even qualify for an ambassador and why choose that country? Why not something like “I want you to kill Heinrich Krieger, second member of the Austrian Consulate.” That’d be more believable. Does anyone even know where Rhodesia is? Its now a country with a name beginning with Z.
There’s a summoning of spirit guides that Mara does. She sounds like she is in the can after a night of binging on Betos. One of her’s is a Native American. And of course as is typical of 1970’s is pretty much the most racist thing I’ve seen with them. “You go sleep room in tepee, you false hair, you burnem hair in fire.” This is horribly bad, And to top it off Mara crosses her arms like the chief sterotype.
The other spirit guide sounds like a horrible breathy female version of John Edwards.
The Rhodesian ambassador dies. He’s not Black or British so I am confused. Mara kills him in a ritual. The guy that hired her decides not to pay her and to kill her because she is too dangerous with that kind of power. His accomplice talks to his .38 special revolver like I talk to my firearms “Lets go to work baby!”
Mara gets shot then after the assassin leaves she disappears in a puff of green smoke and turns into a black cat. Its about this point that the movie gets weird. Mara blood lets a corpse. We get a lesson of White vs Black magic. There’s some bad and crazy Voodoo with sand and pins. Flasback to the witch hunts and some creepy music. And then the fun begins.
The Final Ritual
Black guy is back on the drums, no idea where he’s been. Mara orders the people to strip away their garments as to let the spirit pass through them. Sweet! That means I get to see… no wait the men take off their shirts, damn! Chicks dance and dance. Then they grab spears. Mountain man tells them to kill and the stab the sacrifice guy. There are psychics outside the compound and they remind me of the ones in South Park. Acting with their hands out and such. Big quake happens, everyone dies. Psychics go inside and find everyone dead.
So there is no Blood Orgy, there really aren’t any She Devils… what the hell does the title have to do with the movie then? Oh and for the kicker there is a commentary to the movie from the director on the DVD release. As of the time of this article I have not yet listened to the commentary and I really am hoping I am never bored enough. It might leave me with tears of blood running down my cheeks.
So here comes the breakdown…
Cast – 1: No one I ever heard of and will never see again
Plot – 2: Reminded me of why Wicca never took in my life and no Blood Orgy
Action – 1: The James Bond spoof Casino Royal had better action
Effects – 2: Not as bad as they could of been, some blood looks realish
Music – 1: Horrible electronic sounds that could be music in some backwater country
Final Score – 7
That does not even merit a Star. If you are drunk/horny and you have 79 minutes to kill while you wait for the Pizza boy to try and figure out what house is yours then this is not the movie for you.
There you have it, Blood Orgy of the She Devils… now you don’t have to watch it.
movie or gave it shit can go fuck themselves, and I’ll tell you why and you’ll agree with me that they should (this could possibly be you):
