This little bit of hilarity comes to us from joblo.com. Bill Condon (Director of Dreamgirls…) may be the Director the Breaking Dawn movies. Yes, movies as in 2. See the book is so shitty and long there will be two movies. What are they about? Vampire Fang Cesarians, werewolf/baby vampire pedophilia and probably sparkling and other horrible things. My favorite part of the story (which you can read all of at the link above) is:

This isn’t final yet, but talks do appear to be in the wrap-up stages. I expect he’s pulling in a pretty massive chunk of change to do this, and I really, really hope he somehow works a musical number in.

A musical number really would make that movie better. Maybe with the vampire fetus dancing around?

Extra bit of news…Condor is also directing a Richard Pryor bio-pic. Starring Marlon Wayans. Wanna stab your eyes out yet?

A couple of months ago, I started a series of rebuttals to the infamous “70 minute Phantom Menace review” that’s been making the rounds on the internet, but life and work have pretty well gotten in the way of me continuing. But since Red Letter Media (those responsible for the Phantom Menace review) have released their ” target=”_blank”>90 minute Attack of the Clones review, I’ve been inundated with requests for me to get off my duff and continue. So here I am. This is a direct rebuttal of Part 2 of their 70 minute Phantom Menace review. You can watch their version of it here. Part 2: The Story Our friends at Red Letter Media don’t have much to complain about the story other than they think the opening is weak.  And there isn’t much I can say about the “indictment” of the opening, since it was pretty thin. The opening, I think, is one of the strongest assets of The Phantom Menace.  Take a moment to just set the scene here: When things open in Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope, things are bad in the galaxy.  Very bad.  And now we have a prequel set 30 or 40 years previous.  If the galaxy had spent that much time in the same turmoil, the series would be monotonous and boring.  This opening is the galaxy as it was.  There were no rebels and there was no Empire.  Everything was idyllic. And it’s a contrast that the biggest problem is something so minor as the taxation to trade routes in outlying star systems. We have our heroes, the Jedi, enter into this conflict, dabbling into politics in a somewhat unprecedented move and those responsible (Darth Sidious) find out about it and orders them to be killed.  5 minutes into the film, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan’s ship is blown up, Naboo is under-full scale invasion, and the wheels are in motion for the fall of the Republic in a way the galaxy hasn’t seen since the inception of their central government. Seeing how innocent and naïve the galaxy is here, in comparison to how it is in the classic trilogy offers us a contrast that makes the bright seem brighter and the dark seem darker. And then we’re off on a meaningful spate of action that brings the Jedi onto their journey to try to stave off the first major conflict the galaxy has seen in a millennium. As for the title and the villain: The Phantom Menace implies that the villain is in the shadows, pulling the strings.  This is setting the stage.  This is how Palpatine/Sidious operates, in subtle ways to get what he wants.  This is the beginning of the road that leads us to the ultimate destruction of the Jedi, but if he came out, waving his arms to reveal that now, it would be ridiculous. As far as the lengthy discussion about the taxation of trade routes, he spends way too much brain power on a macguffin. Alfred Hitchcock coined this term: it’s a plot device that makes the action happen without being important in and of itself. To spend too much time caring about why they’re taxing the trade routes and why the Trade Federation is blockading Naboo is literally a waste of time. Why would the Naboo care WHY the Trade Federation is blockading their planet?  It’s enough that they are that forces them into action.  It’s enough that the blockade exists and a dispute needs to be settled by independent arbiters (the Jedi) and that the Supreme Chancellor needs to act. And really, it’s no stretch to believe that a protocol droid, programmed for etiquette and protocol in situations like this, can recognize what the hell a Jedi Knight is.  And then for the Trade Federation who have no prior experience with Jedi to think that gassing them will work to kill them makes perfect sense. There wasn’t a lot of substance to Part Two of the Phantom Menace review that Red Letter Media put out, because to distract from that, they added in a chick tied up in a basement and the reviewer getting off his meds and needing pizza rolls. In any case, I’ll try to knock these out more regularly.  I’ve literally received a dozen emails asking for these since the Attack of the Clones review went live.  I’ll get there as soon as I can. Click here to read Part One.

Just about a week after the long-anticipated announcement of who would don the star-spangled costume of Captain America Variety is reporting that we now also have our Bucky!

Sebastian Stan (who is apparently on CW’s “Gossip Girl” and has some sort of role in Hot Tub Time Machine) will play the orphan who becomes Captain America’s side-kick against the Nazis. Comic fans of course know that Bucky later becomes Winter Soldier (and if you really want to get into it, later becomes the new Captain America).

As is the case with most of the thesps Marvel signs to star in its pics, Stan’s deal includes appearing in multiple films, including sequels to “Captain America” and other superhero titles such as “The Avengers.”

Of course, we will have to wait and see how Bucky and possibly is later alter-ego are handled on the big screen as The First Avenger: Captain America starts filming this summer in Europe (IRONY!) and will be hitting theaters July 2011!

Welcome to what I hope will be a regular, weekly feature.  I have been known to set my DVR from 9pm to 1am to watch every last second of the [adult swim] programming block on Cartoon Network.  I was proud to stay in Friday nights in high school so I didn’t miss Space Ghost: Coast to Coast. So, I like this stuff a lot.

Normally I’d begin with Sunday and preview upcoming new episodes, then on through the week, but last night at midnight [as] pulled a fast one on us for April Fool’s.

At midnight, a familiar Space Ghost was sitting behind his desk, interviewing “director”/”actor”/”writer” Tommy Wiseau, who promptly told us “Happy April Fool!”

Then they showed The Room.

Considered by some to be the west film ever, I had to see this with my own eyes.  And yes, it’s terrible.  The first 30 minutes is basically like a bad episode of Red Shoe Diaries starring ugly people.  Bad acting and flimsy plot and pretenses to get everyone to take off their clothes and get busy. Although, I’m sure there is generally better acting in your average porno.

Personally, I wish they would’ve gotten “Troll 2” and shown it as a double feature with its accompanying documentary “Best Worst Movie.”  That’s at least so bad it’s funny.

Coming back from commercials they also had tidbits of Space Ghost, Zorak, Moltar, and Wiseau, which was far more entertaining.  During one bit, Wiseau says that everyone should try to enjoy his film how it was meant to be experienced: in a theater.  Zorak and Moltar laugh hysterically and derisively.

Also entertaining—the warning from adult swim that ran across the bottom to not copy and distribute this copyrighted material.  Yeah, no real concern there, imho.  Lots of bit torrents of The Venture Brothers and Metalocalypse, but I don’t think The Room will be coming to Pirate Bay any time soon.

Even more entertaining, because of the aforementioned adult naughty bits and because this is still cartoon network, they had to do something about the… er….

Ha ha! Dangly parts.

So, here’s what they did.  Seriously—no lie—from my iphone to God’s ear:

Black boxes over the naughty bits.  In some cases, they black boxed out ¾ of the screen.  In my opinion, they missed another 25%.

And now on to THIS WEEK:

Sunday, Apr 4

We get 2 new episodes, and some classics in syndication:

Tim & Eric: Awesome Show! Great Job! Lucky. We explore the power of a Cinco product: Dream Cream, with Pierre, who isn’t too happy with the nightmares it’s giving him.  Another Rap from Kid Break, the group that brought you the song about dad’s dirty socks—it looks like there is breakdancing in vomit.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Juggalo. I can’t possibly comprehend what is going on here, so I’ll simply transcribe what the promo says: “With his life out of control, Shake turns to the internet to summon a higher power (an angel wearing a black pinstripe suit who has rocket boosters coming out of his hands and boots like Iron Man).  Then, Shake summons a lower power (a teenage Juggalo) to make the higher power go away.  With a special appearance by breakroom resident George Lowe.”

You can see all of this week’s schedule here, http://www.adultswim.com/schedule/index.html but here are some highlights:

The return of The Drinky Crow Show.  There’ve got to be some of you who like this show, and you’ll be able to get one (not new) 11 minute episode every night at 1:15 am ET/12:15 CT

Also playing this week: The PJ’s.  1:30/12:30?  Anyone like this at all? I usually switch over and watch Larry King, that’s how utterly boring this is to me.

Wed 12:30 ET/11:30 CT – one of my fav episodes of ATHF– “The Last One” where all of the Aqua Teen villains gather on the moon. Hijinks ensure.

As a general rule, I’m not going to review Saturday Nights and anime.  I just don’t get it, and I don’t have the background to tell whether this is a good anime or not.  I don’t know the difference between Cowboy Bebop, Big O, and Bleach.  To me, Bleach is what I use to scrub my grout or the seminal indie album by Nirvana before they got big.  Anime?  Meh.

But since you peeps who watch anime just looooooove it, here you go.  I’ll do this just once…..

We did get news that Kekkaishi will be coming to the Saturday anime block.  Here’s a press release, which I assume someone will translate for me as I lost my manga-to-english dictionary.

VIZ MEDIA LICENSES KEKKAISHI ANIME

SERIES TO ADULT SWIM

Life Is A Wild Adventure For A Teenager Balancing Girls,

Junior High School And Nighttime Demon Slaying

San Francisco, CA, March 31, 2010,  – VIZ Media, LLC (VIZ Media), one of the entertainment industry’s most innovative and comprehensive publishing, animation and licensing companies, has licensed 52 episodes of the popular Shonen Sunday KEKKAISHI anime series to Adult Swim for domestic broadcast. KEKKAISHI will begin airing on May 29^th.

KEKKAISHI is based on the hit manga series by Yellow Tanabe (also published in North America by VIZ Media). A story of mystical forces powerful in the region known as Karasumori. For over 400 years, it has been the duty of a clan of “kekkaishi”—barrier masters—to guard this land and exterminate the supernatural creatures that are drawn to it night after night.

Yoshimori Sumimura is a junior high school student at Karasumori Academy, which is built upon the Karasumori grounds. By night, Yoshimori follows the tradition passed down through generations and fulfills his destiny as the twenty-second “kekkaishi” of the Sumimura clan. But by day, Yoshimori’s got other demons to contend with, like an obsession with cake making and a seriously crotchety grandfather! Yoshimori’s pretty neighbor, childhood friend and rival, Tokine Yukimura, is also a “kekkaishi,” but their families are caught up in a feud over who is the true practitioner of the art. Protecting ordinary people from the ever-present danger of the Karasumori grounds, Yoshimori will continue to grow stronger as he battles the forces of evil again tonight!

“Kekkaishi spotlights compelling cool characters, in an intense yet fun-filled supernatural action adventure saga. It possesses all of the hallmarks of great anime!”  says William Germain, Director, Programming & Music Sales, VIZ Media. We are very excited to add KEKKAISHI to the Adult Swim anime lineup for U.S. fans to enjoy.”

For more information on KEKKAISHI please visit www.ShonenSunday.com.

Thanks for reading!!

Next week I’ll do more in depth on other episodes you should catch during the week, as my review of The Room kind of supplanted that.  I’ll also include reviews of their online content, including their flash games.

Its finally here! Sylvester Stallone’s The Expendables trailer!!!  The folks over at JoBlo.com have written most anything I can say about it (and probably a lot less “winded”)

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE!

I will sum up by saying this: THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT THIS TRAILER THAT DOESN’T LOOK AWESOME IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD! Stallone got everything good- and everything bad about action from the 80’s til now and put it into a movie… even if its the worst movie ever its still going to be the BEST movie, if you catch my drift!

I think it’s easy to say that the biggest release today is Sherlock Holmes.  This was a clever, entertaining update to the Sherlock Holmes mythos starring Robert Downey, Jr., Jude Law, and (for some reason) Rachel McAdams.  Though it had a few problems with the script and execution, it wasn’t so much that I didn’t enjoy the hell out of the picture.  This is certainly one I’m adding to my collection.  I’m doubly excited for the prospect of seeing Moriarty in a sequel, even though it cost us a Lobo movie.

There’s a new edition of Disney’s Alice in Wonderland (the masterpiece one), though it’s not a Blu-ray.  There are some new special features, but I’m not guessing enough to rebuy it if you’ve already got it, but if you need a copy and can’t wait until the Blu-ray comes out (which could be years) this is the version to buy.

Next on the list is Invader Zim, Season 1 and 2.  This is a great cartoon series and there really isn’t much to say about it other than you should buy it.

Also coming out this week:

• Collateral [Blu-ray]
• An Education [Blu-ray]
• Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel

Over the winter, Clang! Boom! Steam! and I helped produce a micro-budget film called Bad Fever.  We’ve been working to help out the director, Dustin Guy Defa, for a while now on some of his short projects and when he sent us the script for Bad Fever, we knew we wanted to help more.  We helped put together the production of the film, but now, the film needs about $4,000 more dollars to finalize the editing and post-production.

You can click on the link below to watch the trailer and pledge any amount of money, even as little as $1.  It would help in the name of independent film and the democratization of films.

We’ve put a lot of effort into getting this film together and now it just needs an extra little push that you can provide.

Thanks for checking out the trailer and considering to help, even just a little bit.

And you can learn more about the film at www.badfever.com.

I went and saw Repo Men last night and was treated to this little beauty of a trailer… and admittedly at first glance I was expecting to see a new Zombie/Survival horror film- and to my surprise (and everyone else in the audience) it was A Nightmare On Elm Street. MAKE SURE YOU WATCH THIS BEFORE READING ON!

Now- I am embarrassed to admit this, but since I had no idea what I was watching, and was mostly expectant of something else- when Freddy pops around the corner and swipes his hand at the beginning of the trailer- I jumped. I have never- ever- never- ever jumped at a trailer for a scary movie before. So, yes, I was immediately hooked.

The next thing I noticed and that really stuck out at me was everyone’s eyes: The casting was a good choice of “teenagers” who can look like they are bright eyed and bushy tailed, and then (with minimal make-up) look as if they haven’t slept… for… days… I got a sense that “the eyes are the window to the soul” is going to be a very prevalent thematic presence throughout the movie. (just look at the blond in the beginning and how they’ve over corrected her eyes to be SHINING blue until she falls asleep and sees Freddy, its quick edits, but you can see it)

Another thing I’m REALLY interested in is the “micro naps” addition to the film… “…you’re dreaming but don’t even know it… even if you’re awake”. This one line opens up the film to an entirely new realm of scary/unpredictability. I’d be lying if I said I wanted this remake to be a “true to form” remake of the original… I adore the original but I don’t want to see it again with a bigger budget… it has its own, Robert Englund charm, its hilarious and startling… but when it comes to dreams; I now want to see something truly terrifying… and if I have no idea when a character is going to be asleep or awake… then presumably I should have no idea what’s going to happen next. I especially can see Jackie Earle Haley taking Freddy Kreuger to the place I viewed him as a child- You know- back when your imagination took the humor of his snarky one liners and developed it into something so frightening you couldn’t sleep for months until one night it was so bad you had to force yourself to kill Freddy with a bazooka- and ever since that fateful night you could control your dreams… wait- where was I?

Oh yes- I know there are naysayers- I was one. But after this trailer- I’m going to give the movie a shot. At the very least it will be a good “jumper” and if we are lucky they decide to throw it into 3D.

Midnight screening with a bunch of excitable nerds, a date, a bag of popcorn and knifey fingers being stabbed at your face: priceless

p.s. there is one thing that truly bothered me about the trailer- you can’t tell as badly in the small version on their site- but on the big screen- the stretching wall scene from the original is VERY cartoonesque and yanked me straight out of the trailer. It seemed like everything else in the preview spoke to the effort being put into a honorable re-make- but then they got lazy for that scene. I hope its fixed, or at least stomach-able by the release in April.

Citizen-Bot did some writing for us in the past and starting with this post, he’ll be coming back for more and getting into the Adult Swim beat, among other things.  So welcome him back with this comprehensive roundup of his experience at SXSW. -Swank

Hello and welcome from Austin and the SXSW festival.  For those of you who weren’t able to come to Austin for the world’s most intense 2 week smorgasborg of film, music, and general geekdom, I thank you for not being among the industry jerks and general tourist hipsters who clog up my fine city.  So, let me give the highlights, especially since an all-access badge costs like $1500- far out of the price range of your average fan.  Luckily, Austinites can get their hands on wristbands for $150 which get you access to most stuff…as long as it isn’t full of badge-holders.

So, here are the highlights, free of charge:

Film

Among the most fun I had at this year’s SXSW was Tucker and Dale vs. Evil.  It stars Alan Tudyk (Firefly, Dollhouse, I Robot) and Tyler Labine (Reaper, Sons of Tucson) as dimwitted hillbillies looking for a lil R&R who, through a comedy of errors, become mistaken for psycho killers by a group of too-pretty college students.  Hijinks ensue.

There was a reason this won the audience award– it was the most fun I’ve had not just at a SXSW movie, but at the movies in general for a long time. Winning the audience award is sayign quite a bit, especially considering its competition: the premiere of “MacGruber,” the funniest movie adapted from Saturday Night Live in many, many years, and the critically acclaimed “The Runaways,” the rock n’ roll story of Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.

But Tucker and Dale deserved the win. Watch the trailer below and dare to disagree! (This gives away a lot, but not everything, so don’t watch if you don’t want some awesome spoilage)

They say that everyone borrows from each other, but the great ones outright steal.  There was too much that was more than a simple homage to classics like Evil Dead or Friday the 13th- but it lifts from these sources so effortlessly, it’s like listening to The Beatles play “Till There Was You” and forgetting it was ever part of “The Music Man.” Nipping on the heels of Zombieland and Shawn of the Dead, we have a new entry into the genre of horror comedies.

Honorable mention: The People vs. George Lucas –  a documentary about the love/hate relationship between George Lucas and his fans, the best and worst part of this doc is that it was “Crowdsourced,” meaning the filmmakers took over 6000 hours of user-submitted comments, skits, fan films, etc, and put them into one documentary.  So we get rants and puppet shows about the now cliche phrase that George Lucas “raped your childhood.” This is both its biggest strength and its weakness- honest but sometimes a bit disjointed.  It reminded me somewhat of “The Aristocrats”, another doc which just strung together dozens of comics telling the same joke.  Hopefully coming soon to a theater near you?  I hope this is something Swankmotron will enjoy, at least as much as a Tea Party activist at a Michael Moore film.

Don’t be a jerk– what about Kick Ass? Unfortunately, I couldn’t ever get into a screening of Kick Ass.  However, I did have a good time futily standing in line for these screenings in the rain… and also standing in line at a signing by Mark Millar and John Romita Jr at my local comic shop where a few lucky folks had seen it.  They had loved it, but it sounds like this may be a movie with a pretty high bar for entry.  The fanboys seemed to love it, so if you’re a big fan of the source material, that’s probably encouraging.  Everyone else? Let’s withold judgment.

Music

Hands down, the best thing at this year’s music fest was Provo, Utah’s own Neon Trees. Of course, I’m a little biased– anyone that can make Provo seem cool has got it going on.  In any case, if you’re a fan of The Killers, Muse, or just good music, you should check them out before they get too huge. Their big show here in Austin coincided with the release of their new album AND their song “Animal” being the iTunes free single of the week.  I sincerely hope you picked it up- if not, the entire album is worth the $6.99 you have to fork over to the iTunes store. Or go see them play at Velour in Provo and pick up their CD there…or wherever they’re playing these days. I’m sure they’ve move on to bigger venues in Provo by now, like the Wilkinson Center Ballroom on BYU campus.  (I kid, I kid– because I love)

In any case, the show I saw them play at Maggie Mae’s on 6th St was fantastic.  Obviously someone else was impressed by their performance, too, as they showed up on Jimmy Kimmel the night of March 22 less than half a week later.  Oh, by the way- that’s available on Hulu and you should check it out, too. Best of luck, you crazy kids.

Honorable mentions:

$     Sarah Jarosz, a musical prodigy who treads the thin line between Allison Krauss bluegrass and Sarah Mclachlan/Joni Mitchell singer-songwriter folk is absolutely fantastic. She did have the advantage of having a large fanbase show up to her show to cheer her on, as she get airplay on a couple of the Austin stations and is fairly well known, so that’s why I had to give it to Neon Trees.  She had fans at her show, Neon Trees had a room full of jaded industry executives and still managed to kick some ass. Although, I don’t know any other 18 year olds who are near as naturally talented as she is.

$    Stone Temple Pilots, also an honorable mention- didn’t actually get in to see this one (again, no badge) but according to other reports the show was great, and I think their reunion is going to be well worth it. They also had listening station set up to check out their new album, and it doesn’t disappoint.  I’m telling you, with new albums recently by Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, and now STP, this is feeling more like 1996 than 2010.

Interactive

The often overlooked portion of SXSW is the Interactive portion of the festival, mostly centered around technology, the internet, etc.  The “best” thing about it is that it usually crashes the AT&T network downtown because everyone’s on their iphones all the time, which is loads of fun for me as an AT&T customer.   Actually, no big outages this year, but there were some fun goings on.

A few hundred SXSWi attendees (not me) got to test drive a Chevy Volt.  Ok, maybe you all aren’t as excited about an electric car as I am, but this thing is pretty freaking sweet.  If someone would’ve walked up to me and said “You can go see Kick Ass or drive the Volt” I would’ve chosen the car. Check out the slide show from CNET, and see if you get as jealous as me.  Aside from that, though, Chevy did provide free “recharge stations” around the fest where you could plug in your laptop or phone.  Thanks, Chevy. Next time someone says something about your crappy cars or your bankrupt business model I might stick up for you.  : )

Among the best presentations was one from Microsoft’s development team about the creation of their new search engine Bing.  The keynote was titled, “Be honest- you all thought it was going to suck, didn’t you?”  Honesty? From Microsoft?  Listening to them actually made me rethink my affinity for Google, and I must say, I have used Bing in a couple of cases since then when Google has failed me- and it worked.  Touche, Microsoft.

My new favorite development at the festival was the use of new locational social networking tools, specifically Gowalla and Foursquare.  What the hell is locational social networking?  If you have an iphone or android phone, you can download one of these programs, and create a profile.  Then, wherever you go, you can “Check In.”  So, heading to Austin Books and Comics.  Check in.  Going to Starbucks.  Check in.  Back at work.  Check in.  And it can publish this to your Twitter or Facebook, so it shows up there, too.  Ok, so that’s not all that cool, granted.

What is cool is what they did with it.  Gowalla and Fantastic Fest created a “Tour” of cinematic history around Austin.  Go see a location from Slacker, or Office Space, or Dazed and Confused, or Planet Terror/Deathproof.  This was actually a lot of fun, and showed me where all of these places are.  Next time you’re in Austin, we can actually go get coffee at “Chotchkey’s” from Office Space.

My only hope is someone from Comic Con was paying attention. The scavenger hunts for The Dark Knight a few years ago? Will be even better.  Or maybe they make a tour of great places to go in the Gaslamp District or Seaport Village.  You know they filmed the bar scene from Top Gun in that barbecue shack on G Street, right?

Anyway, those are my feelings about SXSW this year.  Won’t do it next year because I’ll be too busy with work.  But 2012? I’ll make sure to enjoy the last festival ever before the world ends.  And i hope you’ll come along.

My friend, Marcus (the stand-up Comedian with just one name who’s been on some TV specials and whatnot…) and I decided that it could very well be hilarious to provide a downloadable commentary for the Twilight Saga’s New Moon.

So we got together along with some other Stand-Up comics and funny-men (Guy Seidel, Cody Eden, and Ken Dames) to provide you a commentary for Twilight at the expense of our sanity.  And our Tuesday evening.

In order to get the commentary, all you have to do is follow the link below.

Then all you need to do is download the file, load it up on your .mp3 player of choice, and enjoy the movie.  Which is something I never thought I’d be able to say in good conscience.

And for those of you interested, Shannon from Geekshow and I recorded a commentary for Star Wars: Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace.

To check that out, click the link below.