INHUMANOIDS, Episode 1 “The Evil that Lies Within” (7 out of 10) – Created by Flint Dille; Written by Flint Dille; Starring Michael Bell, William Callaway, Ed Gilbert, Chris Latta, Neil Ross, Richard Sanders, and Susan Silo. Originally aired September 21, 1986.

The eighties and nineties provided an almost endless supply of weird and wonderful cartoons, none more weird and less wonderful than “Inhumanoids” this stuff is downright terrifying. I usually watch these cartoons with my boy, it’s a good way for us to hang out and for me to get some writing done at the same time, but while watching this first episode and various clips this morning I had to turn him away (he watched “Ultimate Spider-Man” instead) so as to not give him nightmares. What the hell were these people thinking.

That being said, from an adult perspective, it’s a pretty cool show. It’s nice to see a cartoon push the boundaries of what kinds of stories and what kinds of characters they can display. With that in mind I present to you “Inhumaoids” the most jacked up “kids” cartoon I’ve ever seen.

Our story opens in the forest as Earth Corps, a group of high tech scientists, reveal and transport a giant amber monolith with what is believed to be a complete dinosaur specimen inside. A reporter is on the scene and mentions prior reports that citizens had seen the monolith glowing and the trees moving, such reports are dismissed by the Earth Corps scientists. 

Later that evening the monolith is unveiled at a large event with hundreds in attendance. Strange screaming noises begin to be heard and the crowd evacuates the museum. As they run screaming, a giant monster made of plants, called Tendril, runs rampant on the bridge, at the same time the monolith shatters revealing the living skeletal face of the creature inside, D’Compose.

D’Compose calls out to Tendril commanding him to release him fully from his amber prison. Earth Corps along with the local police use all of the firepower at their disposal trying to take down the two giant monsters. During the fight, one of the Earth Corps scientists cuts a tissue sample from Tendril, after which both monsters disappear.

Were they from outer space, mutations caused by toxic waste, or were they a mass illusion created by the stress of modern living?

Well obviously they weren’t an illusion, you have a freaking tissue sample twitching around in your lab. Earth Corps reaches out to the government in an attempt to locate the missing monsters before they cause more trouble but are given no help. Left on their own, they split up and go in search of D’Compose and Tendril.

One goes to the forest where D’Compose was discovered, two go into the ocean where they suspect the inhumanoids fled, the fourth investigates a drilling site where witnesses reported sighting Tendril. In the ocean the two scientists encounter the inhumanoids and barely escape with their lives, at the drill site one scientist descends into the Earth when his rope is cut by a group of nefarious human villains, and in the forest the final scientist is approached by a group of sentient redwood trees who show him the truth of the war between the inhumanoids and the Mutores.

Long ago, the Mutores fought the inhumanoids trapping them each in an individual prison. D’Compose was trapped in an amber pit, Tendril trapped in an Earth bound prison, and Metlar imprisoned in a magnetic cell where he still remains.

The Mutores fear that D’Compose and Tendril will work together to release Metlar, if that happens, there will never again be peace upon the Earth. It’s up to Earth Corps to stop that from happening. 

The event some of us asked for, and most of us expected, has finally arrived. Like the comic books that inspired the convention that the footage previewed at, “Family Guy” and “The Simpsons” are getting a crossover episode. With a quick guest appearance from Bob of “Bob’s Burgers”, the episode is sure to play up references from both series as well as ones about Fox, the network the cartoons air on. From the preview below, it appears that the two families will get along fine until Peter Griffin and Homer Simpson argue over who has the best beer. That argument will probably be what creates the epic fight scenes found in the preview.

It will be interesting to see if the rest of the episode can maintain the tempo and hilarity in the preview. It’s quite possible though, that at five minutes, the best of the episode is in the preview. At five minutes, the preview contains about a quarter of the total episode time of a typical “Family Guy” or “The Simpsons” episode.

Both shows will premiere during the event in September. “Family Guy” will be entering its 13^th season while “The Simpsons” enters its 26^th as the longest-running American sitcom. Let’s hope for seasons 14 and 27 we get another crossover in the style of DC and Marvel’s Amalgam Universe. If that happens, I vote they keep the hairstyles from “The Simpsons” if only to see a Maris Grimpson with a bright red beehive.

The “Mike Tyson Mysteries” was my favorite trailer coming out of the 2014 San Diego Comic-Con. The show has the look of “Scooby-doo, Where Are You” with the modern comedic spin of shows like “The Venture Bros.”, “Archer”, and “Sea Lab 2021” . The cast of characters consists of a ghost named The Marquess of Queensberry played by Jim Rash, a young Asian girl played by Rachel Ramras, a foul mouthed alcoholic pigeon played by Norm MacDonald and of course Mike Tyson played by himself. During the trailer I knew I was hooked when Marquess of Queensberry asks Mike Tyson why he is smiling:

Marquess of Queensberry, “Michael, why are you smiling?”
Mike Tyson, “Because now I know what I have to do. I’m going to use my fists, to beat the shit out of chupacabra. The only thing I haven’t never beaten the shit out of yet.” 

For the full effect of Mike Tyson’s fist pounding comedic timing, check out the trailer below. “Mike Tyson Mysteries” will premiere this fall on Cartoon Network’s [Adult Swim]. Don’t forget to let us know what you think in the comments or on Twitter @Bigshinyrobot & @MarkAvo.

THE ADVENTURES OF TEDDY RUXPIN, Episode 1 “The Treasure of Grundo” (4 out of 10) – Directed by Chris Schouten; Written by Marry Crawford and Derek Diorio; Starring Phil Baron, Will Ryan, and John Stocker. Originally aired September 14, 1987.

Like many children of my generation, I was in possession of a Teddy Ruxpin animatronic teddy bear. The bear had a moving mouth and eyes and would tell you stories via a tape deck built into his back. As I recall the jaw fell off of mine, providing nightmare fuel for years to come. I also seem to remember it running off of the same pair of batteries for several years, convincing a young and impressionable Neverbot that Teddy Ruxpin was a force for evil, bent on grinding the bones of my tiny fingers in its geared mandibles.

The face of pure evil.

Which is probably why it has taken me almost 25 years to re-visit the cartoon it spawned (a move probably discouraged by my imaginary therapist). Several attempts were made to capitalize on the success of this toy, beginning with a live action show in 1986 titled “The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin.”

The live action endeavor proved too costly and was scrapped in favor of an animated series of the same name.

A total of 39 book/cassette stories were created to work specifically inside the bowels of the furry beast, these stories were adapted and expanded upon for animation resulting in 65 half hour episodes, one of which we’ll watch today. Unlike most cartoons of the time, the episodes rarely stand alone and instead were serialized into a long overarching story. As such, there is no real resolution at the end of today’s episode; it instead sets up the events of the episode to follow and so on.

Overall the story follows the title character, Teddy Ruxpin, as he travels with his best friend Grubby, an Octopede. The pair meet up with Newton Gimmick, a bumbling human inventor who joins them on their travels following an ancient map on a search for treasure. The map ultimately leads them to an ancient treasure and an evil organization called MAVO (Monsters and Villains Organization).

The show itself feels like a combination of “Winnie the Pooh,” “Gummie Bears,” and some combination of hallucination inducing substances. It perfectly captures the awkward feelings experienced at the hands of a nefarious robotic stuffed animal from my childhood. In that way it is successful in capturing the nostalgia… horrible, dark, nostalgia. 

This week on Saturday Morning Cartoon! we’re watching “Phineas and Ferb.”  For years I avoided this show. It simply held no interest for me. Then I acquired a small human child and lost control of almost all of the screens in my house. At this point I’ve become a virtual expert on the summertime exploits of the titular characters.

In a nutshell, the show documents the adventures of two young boys and their attempt to not waste a single moment of their 104 day vacation. As a result, each day they hatch a new plan or adventure which is usually launched by the phrase “Ferb, I know what we’re going to do today.”

With their small group of friends at their sides, the boys build giant rollercoasters, open restaurants, and return lost aliens to their parents in space, all before dinner time and without raising the suspicions of their parents. Which brings us to their older sister, Candace, who’s made it her life goal ensure the boys are busted.

Her summer consists of constantly dragging her mother around in a futile attempt to reveal her brothers’ covert activities, without success. The consistency of the disappearing oddities begins to drive Candace insane, as the theme song suggests.

Oh ya, I can’t forget, not only do these kids have a pet platypus named Perry, but he’s also a secret agent working for an equally secret agency tasked with bringing down the evil Dr. Doofenshmirtz.

All of which begs the question, what exactly is going on here? Either we’re dealing with a town full of arguably the most negligent parents since “Rugrats” or things aren’t actually as they seem. I have a few hypotheses.

Are the boys actually legitimate geniuses? Should we be glad they use their powers for simple entertainment rather than world domination?

Is the show the sad delusions of Candace? Tortured by a previous caper she was unable to expose to her parents Candace cracked and now lives in an endless loop of increasingly impossible schemes that she’ll never expose.

Is Phineas having the world’s best coma dream? An endless summer wherein he is granted a sentient marsupial and seemingly omnipotent abilities? It would explain why despite there being only 104 days of summer vacation, there are 207 episodes.

Or maybe it’s just a cartoon and I’m thinking too much about it? But…. I like my ideas better.

Cheers. 

Arthur C. Clarke liked to joke that, after he left his teens and his brains more or less gelled up, he was never really more than ten years old anyway.

He argued this because usually his daily life and working memory mostly focused on actions, events and memories from the last ten years of his experience and as he moved forward and grew older, this just kept shifting. He’d look back on books that he’d written outside this range and was surprised that he’d written them that way. The mental processes of the 30 year old author Clarke seemed strangely alien to him as an author at 50 or 60.

Then again this was the guy who gave us Against the Fall of Night and The City and the Stars. One of the main concepts in those stories was how to keep a human culture viable over a billion year time span. And a lot of it really has to do with diverting people’s attention. As creatures of nostalgia and short attention spans we are eager to forget history.

It has been interesting to recognize, as I sail through life, how little I’ve changed in some ways, even more than how much I have changed. In part, because nostalgia, but also because some things just get me in the gibblies. Star Wars— loved it since I saw ‘Empire’, love it just as much now. Doesn’t really matter that the movies aren’t as I remember them. It’s interesting, inherently, to see how I’ve changed, and how I react to them as an adult. It tells me a lot about myself as a kid.

When I was 22, I was amazed at how much wiser I had grown since 21. When I was 23, I was amazed that I had grown wiser *faster* over that year than I had the year previous. This continued until about age 27, and now every year feels exactly the same. I don’t know if those initial feelings were an illusion. I assumed that they were, and that the feeling would continue up until old age. The gaining of wisdom and shifting of opinion is not a steady process. Sometimes it’s slow. Sometimes it’s rapid-fire for a while. Sometimes it’s sudden and big. Am I different now then five years ago? Yes. Ten? Yes. Fifteen? Yes. Will I be different ten years from now? How about tomorrow? Probably yes. You might not be in an age of enlightenment like your early twenties but you are definitely still learning and growing as a person.

Maybe I’m just stuck in some sort of subconscious high school suppressed Gen X manchild stasis. Maybe this is the reason that golden era hip hop is like comfort food to me. Maybe Star Wars is just my ‘power animal’ and every time I watch the Death Star explode it says ‘slide’ to me.

Perhaps adulthood is when we begin to trust in all those old sayings and cliches, the ones that made us sigh and roll our eyes as kids. However, If I’m not changing, I’m not growing. If I’m not growing, I’m not learning. And if I’m not learning, I’m not living. 

-Dagobot

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RIO 2 (4 out of 10) – Directed by Carlos Saldanha, starring Anne Hathaway, Jesse Eisenberg, will.i.am, Jemaine Clement, Tracy Morgan, George Lopez, Leslie Mann, Rodrigo Santoro, Jamie Foxx, Andy Garcia, Rita Moreno, Bruno Mars, Kristin Chenoweth; rated G; in general release; running time: 101 minutes.

Yes, there’s another cash grab sequel out there for all you parents trying to con you into stashing your brats in a movie theater for two hours while you go check out Captain America 2. My advice? Take them to see Captain America 2 instead. (Ok, maybe not– Cap 2 is a little too violent and heady for most kids. It’s just Rio 2 has that many problems. Actual advice:  go see “Muppets Most Wanted,” or “The Lego Movie” if it’s still in a theater near you.)

This film is insufferably boring except for a few bright spots, mostly provided by the musical numbers and the amazing choreography that is beautifully animated. For example, who doesn’t want to see Jermain Clement “singing” I Will Survive? As good as this is, however, Clement was better utilized in “Muppets Most Wanted.” Singer Bruno Mars also provides a good performance here, as does Kristin Chenowith. I just wish there were a better movie to showcase their talents in.

The “plot” revolves around Blue and Jewel, who we left at the end of the original “Rio” in love and settling down. Now with three (annoying and generic) kids, they go on a search to find Jewel’s family living in the Amazon rainforest. Her family distrusts outsiders, and especially humans. As a former pet, Blue (Jesse Eisenberg), has to deal with life in the jungle and is pressured into giving up his reliance on human technology by Jewel’s father (Andy Garcia).

Oh, I see. It’s a fish out of water story AND a disapproving parents story. Kids love that stuff, right?

And then there are also evil loggers who, for some reason, seem intent on finding Fern Gully, errr. . . the valley where the last tribe of Blue Macaws live. And they must be stopped! Because, see, we have to save the rainforest, too.

I’m not someone who dislikes a message in children’s entertainment. But this was so poorly delivered it makes it almost unforgivable. Especially when a good message can be properly delivered, it makes me sad that the best Hollywood can do to tell kids to care about the environment is tripe like this.

But the most unforgivable problem with this film is it is boring. Going into a kids’ film, I often expect to be bored. But then I also expect my kids and their friends to tell me how much they loved it, regardless. I had to restrain my 5 year old son who kept telling me how bored he was and he wanted to go home. He literally asked me if he could play Angry Birds Rio on my phone instead of watching more of the movie. 

We both perked up in the final act of the film, which includes a couple of cool action sequences: a soccer game and a fight against the evil loggers. It almost made up for the preceding 80 minutes of tedium. Almost.

There are also a couple of funny jokes and gags sprinkled throughout. Blink and you’ll miss them, though. For example, I’m still laughing thinking about the Capoeira fighting turtles. But also because I’m thinking about the episode of Bob’s Burgers with Capoeira. Maybe because Capoeira is inherently funny.

My advice to parents: if your kids really loved the original, try to get them to wait until this comes out on video. If you can’t avoid that and you have to take them to the theaters, this is mostly harmless and far from the worst children’s movie I’ve seen in a while (thanks for setting the bar so low, “The Nut Job”!)

Just don’t get roped into seeing it yourself. 

4 out of 10

Today I watched “Street Sharks.” The show was first created in 1984 by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird, then later ripped off by David Siegel and Joe Galliani and renamed “Street Sharks.

The first episode, titled Shark Bait (ooh-ha-ha) opens in a laboratory full of a variety of marine animals, sharks, an octopus, piranha… evil Nick Fury, also known as Dr. Paradigm splices a swordfish and a lobster with human DNA from Ghengis Khan.

The lobster and Marlin start to literally flip out and break their tanks, landing them on the floor. Evil Nick Fury is upset at the failure of his experiment. Suddenly he sees his colleague, Dr. Bolton (from the ministry of silly walks) approaching the lab on a security camera.

Bolton is understandably upset at his research being bastardized and he attempts to stop Paradigm. Dr. Paradigm does what any evil scientist worth half his salt would do and injects his foe with shark animal DNA.

If he ends up as some kind of sea-rat I’ll be really upset.

Bolton becomes… something, we don’t get to see him. But his shadow gets bigger and he busts through a wall so it’s safe to say his transformation was more successful than that poor lobster and marlin.

Or was it?!

Nick Fury turns around to see that his original experiment actually did work out, meaning he didn’t have to throw a hissy-fit… but he did, and there’s no changing that now. Slash and Slobster, also known as Bebop and Rocksteady stand beside Paradigm ready to do his bidding. Let’s forget the fact that apparently injecting a lobster and a fish with human DNA teaches them English (not the language Ghengis Khan even spoke) and focus on the fact that the Marlin’s new name is Slash, an appropriate name because he’s a SWORD FISH, but the lobsters name is Slobster…. Slobster. Anyway…

Shredder… I mean, evil Nick Fury… I mean, Dr. Paradigm convinces an intern to call Dr. Bolton’s four sons, all of which happen to be of roughly the same age, and convince them to meet at a central location where he, you guessed it, kidnaps them and takes them back to the lab.

When they awake they are each strapped to a different table and injected with the DNA of a different species of shark. Because colored bandanas would have been to obviously a rip off.

The process doesn’t seem to work, leaving at least one of the boys dead on the ground. Bald Shredder tells Bebop and Rocksteady to get the boys out of his site, they dump the bodies in a viaduct where they float away.

They awake, once again in a different location (not the best day for the Bolton family) still human, but not for long. The transformations begin and they bust out of their clothes in true Hulk fashion. When they realized what has happened, they cope with this outrageous change how any sane person would… by devouring an entire hotdog cart while the poor schmuck who owns it stands and watches.

The boys make their escape by literally swimming through the asphalt. They arise upon a freeway pileup where, using their teeth, they free a woman from a burning truck.

Also, one of them is wearing roller blades, that’s important because… nineties.

They end up at the amusement park where they pretend to be part of a new attraction called Street Sharks.

After a brief battle with Tokah and Razar, the street sharks encounter Dr. Paradigm who says they must accompany him if they ever intend to find their father. They respond by throwing amusement park rides at him. The army arrives, encircling the street sharks with tanks and helicopters.

The episode ends here, if you want to know what happens next you’ll have to keep watching. But you know what… we’ve learned a few things today. The nineties were a ridiculous time of bright colors, fluffy hair, and roller blades; Shia Lebouf wrote “Street Sharks”; and never trust a guy named Dr. Paradigm.

Jaw-some.

Pokemon is coming to Netflix, more specifically the Indigo League seasons (Those are the episodes you’re nostalgic for with the original one hundred and fifty) and the Black & White seasons, which was the last series to premiere before the current X/Y generation episodes that are airing now.

Netflix will also have The Pokemon movies: Black – Victini and Reshiram, and White -Victini and Zekrom. Which are more or less the same film but with a variation based on which Pokemon you wanted to see.

With any luck this means that Pokemon will start becoming more and more available via streaming services rather then being locked down to TV broadcast like it currently is.

Today I watched Peter Pan and the Pirates which originally aired September 8, 1990. Peter Pan is especially dear to my heart so I was both excited to learn about this series and surprised that I hadn’t heard of it before. This cartoon was produced by Fox and based on the book “Peter and Wendy,” better known as “Peter Pan” by J.M. Barrie as opposed to the Disney cartoon with which everyone is familiar.

Obviously they took some liberties with the universe as there aren’t 65 episodes worth of content in the relatively small book on which it’s based. The first episode, titled “The Coldest Cut of All” opens in the underground tree house where Peter presents Wendy with a gem stolen from the ice caves. This makes the ice king the central villain rather than Hook.

Barrie makes no mention ice caves or an ice king in his classic book, thus the series expands the universe in this series. Surprisingly, Captain Hook plays an incredibly small role despite being the central villain and being voiced by none other than Tim Curry.

Tinkerbell is immediately upset at Pan presenting Wendy with the gem because he had previously given this gift to her, this establishes the long running competition between Tink and Wendy for Peter’s attention. Tink insists that Pan not speak of the gem of the ice king or say his name lest he summon him. Pan in his arrogance of course disregards her advice and the ice king appears within their small home, he demands that Pan return his gem and never again set foot within his domain.

Peter insists that all of Neverland is his and he’ll do what he will whenever he wants. The ice king then takes the gem and returns to his caves warning Pan never to disturb him again. Pan of course interprets this as a challenge and determines to retrieve Wendy’s gift, taking Michael and John along with him.

The ice king, knowing that Pan cannot refuse a challenge creates a new enchanted gem that will transform all of Neverland into an eternal winter from which none of them will survive.

Peter says Neverland is his kingdom and he’ll go where he pleases when he pleases.

King recovers his gem and threatens Pan to never return or he’ll suffer an endless winter that no one will survive. Once Pan returns to the tree house the gem activates freezing himself, Tink, Wendy, and the lostboys in solid ice. Tinkerbell uses her fairy magic to thaw herself and Peter but doesn’t have the heat to loose the rest.

Pan then travels to the Neverland volcano, Krakatoa (a reference to a real life Indonesian volcano) to retrieve fire powerful enough to thaw his friends. Pan, the perpetual child, seeks retribution by taking the volcanic fire to the ice caves in an attempt to thaw the ice kings domain once and for all.

The ice king creates an icy version of Pan with all of his power and none of his limitations in the reflection of an icy wall. The mirror Pan is loosed upon Neverland with the promise that summer will not return until Pan gives back the stolen gem and promises to never disturb the ice kingdom again.

Pan briefly fights his mirror self before becoming bored with the game and returning the gem. The ice then melts, returning Neverland to its previous state.

Caption Hook briefly appears toward the end of the episode before being frozen and then thawed. Pan promises to acquire new gifts for Wendy to replace the lost ice gem.

The spirit of the characters and the universe Barrie built is more honestly portrayed in this series than in Walt Disney’s portrayal, Pan is perpetually forgetful and selfish, having never had those traits curbed by adults, he simply wants always to be a child and to have fun, the consequences be damned.

If you’re a fan of the story that Barrie told, this is a series I’d recommend you watch. Plus you can’t beat Tim Curry as a villain, he provides the perfect voice for the ever contemptuous Captain Hook. All 65 episodes are available on YouTube and you can see the pilot, right here, right now.