Normally I’m a great defender of “Teen Wolf,” because it has a lot of the things I love and require in my top television shows. Supernatural creatures, great characters, snappy dialogue … but the first half of season five has been a poor representation of the show formerly known as “Teen Wolf.”

For the remainder of this recap of the midseason finale, “Status Asthmaticus,” I will think of “Teen Wolf” as a different name. Let’s say it’s called “Slo-Mo Wolf.”

This season has been really un-fun to watch, for reasons that were all present during the lackluster episode. Slo-Mo Wolf has featured exactly that – many many many shots in slow motion, which, used effectively, can be powerful. But in the case of season five, they are so common I have been tempted to watch the show in fast forward just to get things to a normal speed.

The other thing the show has turned to is the dreaded ambiguity and thinly spread plot that reminds me a bit of “Pretty Little Liars,” where nothing makes sense and things you’re supposed to be impacted by are difficult to remember. There was a book that was supposed to be helpful? But that didn’t make sense. There were Dread Doctors, who barely made an appearance in the episode. There was the Desert Wolf sub-plot that I don’t care about at all. There were many many new characters introduced, killed and then – tonight – resurrected. 

What?

And worst of all, the characters barely have a relationship anymore. Stiles and Malia are supposed to be dating but have hardly looked at each other in eight episodes. Kira left town. Scott and Stiles are fighting. Liam is getting too much attention, and his cute girlfriend, while cute, is too new of a character to stir much emotion. The only person whose happiness I’m really concerned with at the moment is Melissa McCall, who actually saved the day.

It’s a shame to me when a really fun supernatural show starts off as a treat and turns into a dramatic, dragging, dark disaster of too much buildup for no payoff, too many characters nobody likes and trying too hard to bring their heroes down. They’re werewolves, werecoyotes, banshees, kitsunes and #voidstiles (whatever that is) – their lives are hard enough. Let them play lacrosse.

The Big Reveals of the episode were that Theo is evil AND a chimera, the answer to #whatisparrish and that Tracy, Hayden, Donovan and that fourth guy whose name I can’t remember because he wasn’t significant enough have been brought back to life to serve as Theo’s pack. Scott died, but he’s back. Hayden died, but she’s back. Lydia and the Sheriff are in peril but most likely okay. Kira … ??? 

My point is, nothing in this episode made me think “wow I cannot wait for the second half of season five.” It made me think “wow I am going to go re-watch season 3 because this show used to be really fun.” The only major high point was that they finally revealed Parrish to be a humanoid version of a Hellhound (weird, but cool) and I can finally update my Teen Wolf fanfic.

Best Line

“I’m dating Malia now.” –My Sister, upon witnessing the total lack of spark or communication between Stalia

This episode was bonkers. First there was the opening sequence, which featured Lydia having more than a little bit of power on her side, using sonic screams and martial arts to take down a bunch of Eichen House guards/doctors. Then the return of Aiden (?) and an appearance by Scott’s old best friend, Mike Montgomery. Oh I mean … Theo. Combined with some majorly emotional initial inscribing, I walked away from the season five opener with tear stained cheeks and a bunch of little question marks floating around my head.

Since the episode is a two-parter, this hour had a lot of set up. Liam is in control, but still learning. Derek is … nowhere to be seen (but not gone forever, Jeff Davis promised). Malia is living happily with her adopted father, who seems unsurprised by her super strength. Kira and Scott are still bad at communicating, but ultimately a good pair. Lydia was essentially AWOL, except for popping up in a sort of fever dream to almost-kiss Parrish. And Stiles, good old Stiles, the heart of the show, is making plans for the future where his pack stays together for college.

Of course after a conversation that exactly mirrors one Seth and Ryan have in the O.C. episode titled “The Pot Stirrer,” where they are concerned things have been too quiet for too long, a new Big Bad is revealed in the form of a man who lives in a wall, is covered in goo, and has glowing blue claws. And he’s after our True Alpha.

Search me, I have no idea what he is, but it’s clear he is merely a pawn in the games of three eerie doctors, who keep their faces covered and do not give second chances. Despite a great fight scene that featured – and this is important – A BELT SWORD from Kira – Glowing Claws doesn’t appear to complete his mission, and is terminated. And a bunch of crows (ravens?) fly out of his chest. Yikes

Finally, Our Heroes make it to the big event at the high school, which is to sign your initials on a shelf in the library. It appears to be a right of passage, as Stiles spots Derek’s initials from an earlier batch. I’ve never seen such a simple act create so much emotion – as Malia struggles to decide whether to consider herself a Tate or a Hale (and lands on Tate), and Scott steps up to do his Alpha duty by making us all cry. He simply writes the initials A.A. underneath his own, in memory of his first girlfriend and fallen member of their pack, Allison Argent. The friends have a moment of silence in her honor. The viewers at home are gasping between sobs.

Then, the true sucker punch. Lydia in Eichen House, the Lydia with incredible powers, is in the present. Senior year is a distant memory – one that is apparently full of tragedy. Melissa McCall slaps Sheriff Stilinski, Malia is seemingly attacked by her mother The Desert Wolf, Kira leaves town … and there’s a flashback of Stiles hanging limply from his upside-down Jeep.

What the hell happened to Scott’s pack during their final year of high school? Who are these evil doctors? Where is Derek? WHAT IS PARRISH? All this and more, in the subsequent nine episodes of season five. Stay tuned, Wolf Pack.

Best Line(s)

“Fun like bowling? Or fun like sex with other guys?” – Malia Tate

“What’s at midnight?” – Liam Dunbar
“Your bedtime.” – Stiles Stalinski