There’s bad, and then there’s 47 Ronin. (Very mild thematic / setting spoilers included.)

I should let you in on a not-so-secret fact about movies I enjoy. Admittedly, I am a fairly critical viewer and some of my friends bemoan my ability to tear apart a film when I’ve put on my “reviewer hat.” Something I rarely share with others, however, is the fact that I actively seek out really bad movies in hopes that they loop back around on my enjoyment wheel from “bad and boring” to “bad and entertaining-as-all-hell.” A great example of this for me is the 2000 release of Dungeons and Dragons – an abysmally put together piece of motion-video that sprints wildly from being inexcusably terrible to “This is so bad that you will laugh until your sides hurt and simultaneously learn several lessons in what NOT to do when making a movie.” So, for this reason and no other, I saw Rotten Tomatoes’ 11% rating as a sign that 47 Ronin might lead me down the path to horrifying excellence. 

This year’s Christmas Day action/period-drama flop finds Keanu Reeves (and every other character) playing a one-dimensional member of history’s 47 Ronin. I could go on at length where this movie missed the mark, but the film doesn’t even deserve that courtesy… so without further ado, here is the most condense list I can muster as to why this film is so terrible.

10. The first ten minutes of the film set it up for failure. It clumsily introduces our main characters with some serious hand-waving around Kai in particular, and it doesn’t give us any substance to feel connected to anyone. There’s a stomach-churning sequence in which our protagonist, Kai, runs through the woods at 12 frames per second and leads into the setup for an unrequited love sub-plot. These events are so poorly assembled that a narrator has to tell you what’s going on over every single scene in the sequence because you would otherwise have no clue what the poorly edited mess actually means. Yeah, it’s not like you wanted to take 20 minutes to develop meaningful characters or anything. You can spend that 20 minutes showing us some unnecessary scene later on. No worries!  

9. Kai, and all the other characters, are the most boring, blank-slate characters you have ever seen. Let me assure you that I have spent many years watching and reviewing Japanese movies in which timed silence is a key character trait, so I am in no way confusing cultural norms for bad writing and poorly directed actors. There is literally nothing to discover underneath the surface of these characters and it’s painful to watch them try to make us feel for them throughout their struggles. 

8. The pacing is nonexistent at best. Stuff happens, then some more stuff happens in another place. Each time you feel like something exciting is about to happen, it fizzles out rather uneventfully. It’s rare that I wish for gratuitous actions scenes so I can be distracted from the slog of a really slow movie, but what I wouldn’t have given for some excessive samurai sword swingin’ action! 

7. This film has crazy-land, not-earth Seasons. The settings in the film are actually pretty cool and sometimes an imaginative twist on Tokugawa era Japan, but because the pacing and editing are piss-poor, seasons and travel don’t make a whole lot of sense. Sometimes it’s spring, other times it’s suddenly fall. They attack a fortress in winter and then they are suddenly whisked away to the emperor’s castle in spring, where they end the film intending to be ceremonious under the falling sakura blossoms.

6. The villains in this movie are CHUMPS. Without getting spoilery, let me just assure you that each of them is horribly squandered. I can’t say much here without spoilers, so just trust me on this one. Oh, and that awesome dude with all the tattoos that was featured in all the movie posters and advertising? You’ll see him all of two minutes in the movie. 

5. Hollywood needed to insert Keanu Reeves, but he couldn’t just be some guy. This telling of 47 Ronin has added a “half-breed” swordsman (Kai aka Keanu Reeves), and he is somehow is better at being a Samurai than any other Samurai… because Hollywood. Did I mention that it’s because he’s a demon-y thing? Oh, well, he’s a demon-y thing – PLOT REASONS. 

4. Either be fully committed to your elements of historical accuracy or don’t take yourself so seriously! This film paid immaculate attention to detail when it came to many historical accuracies of Tokugawa-era Japan (dialogue around Bushido, period clothing, weapons), and then simultaneously found opportunities to turn its back to you and ask you to look the other way. Shhhhh, women were totally free to speak to their lords/husbands without being prompted. Shhhhhhh, our dialogue and behaviors are totally historically accurate. What do you mean the Dutch island wasn’t home to a bajillion ships full of tattooed badasses and a pirate Thunderdome? EVERYBODY wants a pirate Thunderdome! 

3. This film could have been epic. The story of The 47 Ronin is an impressive tale steeped in history and with lots of opportunity for meaningful creative exploration, but this movie completely fails to tell the story with any sense of storytelling, passion, or character development so it’s a seriously painful watch. I have no problem with the film wanting to weave in Japanese mythology for the sake of making an alternate story, but with dialogue and writing akin to that of a 6th grade play, it’s hard to enjoy a tale that could have been so masterfully told with proper direction and narrative. 

2. I think the words I heard were supposed to sound like dialogue. Either let your actors speak English without accents or ask them to speak Japanese. But please, it absolutely kills the acting and the experience of each scene when everyone is trying to force Japanese accents. Not only does it break your immersion in the film, but it sounds like nails on a chalkboard every time you have to hear a grating pronunciation of words like “Redding (wedding).” Many of the actors in this film actually command excellent English speaking ability and asking them to force the accent blend is just wrong. 

1. No, really, this film could have been epic! Sorry for listing this twice, but I just can’t get over how much potential was wasted. The story of 47 Ronin is so unbelievably badass! If you’ll excuse me, I need to go watch some Kurosawa to cleanse my mind of this night. 

This time of year, googleplexes all around the country are all crammed with audiences taking in the latest filmic fare from Hollywood. This year’s offerings include some existing blockbusters, such as Frozen, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug and The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, as well as a half-dozen or so new releases that have been timed for holiday release.

That latter group includes a pair of comedies, one of them a remake of a beloved movie (and book) classic and the other a geriatric boxing tale, a cheeky crime story based on real-life events, an action-fantasy and the latest feature from one of modern cinema’s masters. But which of them are worth your hard-earned dollars? Big Shiny Robot’s Jerk-Bot, aka Jeff Michael Vice, offers these capsule reviews of some of the more high-profile new releases:

47 RONIN (2 out of 10)  Starring Keanu Reeves, Tadanobu Asano and Rinko Kikuchi; rated PG-13 (intense sequences of violence and action, some disturbing images, and thematic elements); in general release, playing in either 2D or 3D; running time: 119 minutes.

A little humor can go a long ways toward saving a so-so movie. Now, a bad movie? That’s quite another thing entirely.

Take 47 Ronin, a would-be “fantasy epic” that turns the revered Japanese legends (allegedly based on real events) into a swords-and-sorcery tale. Keanu Reeves stars as a former slave who joins a group of master less warriors trying to avenge the ignominious death of their former master.

Reeves and his co-stars (including Thor: The Dark World’s Tadanobu Asano) play this surprisingly chintzy-looking nonsense entirely too straight-faced, and the story completely misses the whole point of the legends. And the supposed “special digital effects” only look more glaringly awful and unconvincing when seen in the 3D format. If you thought the trailers for the film looked bad, you haven’t seen nothing yet. Ugh.

GRUDGE MATCH (4 out of 10) Starring Sylvester Stallone, Robert De Niro, Alan Arkin, Kevin Hart and Kim Basinger; rated PG-13 (sports action violence, sexual content and language); in general release; running time: 113 minutes.

THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY (5 out of 10) Co-written and directed by Ben Stiller; starring Ben Stiller, Kristen Wiig, Adam Scott and Sean Penn; rated PG (some crude comments, language and action violence); in general release; running time: 114 minutes.

The perfect time for Grudge Match to be made and released would have been two or three decades ago, when Sylvester Stallone and Robert De Niro were at least closer to their respective physical prime and when it would have been at least somewhat believable and realistic to put the Raging Bull (De Niro) in the ring with the Italian Stallion (Stallone).

Stallone and De Niro play longtime pugilistic rivals whose last bout ended in a hotly debated draw, and who are coaxed into a decades-later, “deciding” rematch by an enterprising sports promoter (Kevin Hart) who uses their large egos against them.

Director Peter Segal (50 First Dates, Tommy Boy) is out of his comfort zone here. He clearly has no idea how to stage a big-screen boxing match, and, worse, he’s working with a script from two credited screenwriters who think that the idea of hilarity is Stallone spoofing moments from his Rocky moments or De Niro serving as the butt elderly bodily function humor and other off-color references that would have been rejected for inclusion in his recent Last Vegas fiasco.

As for the visually beautifully but ultimately disappointing Walter Mitty “re-imagining,” its worst defect is also its strongest asset: Ben Stiller.

He directed and stars as the title character, a magazine photographic archivist who escapes from his drab life through fantasies — including fantasizing about romancing a co-worker (Kristen Wiig) he’s too shy to approach in real life.

Behind the camera, Stiller and his camera crews capture beautiful, picture-postcard imagery that gives both the “real” and “fantasy” sequences a dreamy feel. Unfortunately, Stiller is no Jim Carrey, the actor he’s clearly emulating here. He lacks Carrey’s range, and he’s really out of his element in more dramatic moments. Also, the film wastes time with go-nowhere subplots and characters that further obscure the points the story is trying to make.

AMERICAN HUSTLE (5 out of 10) Co-written and directed by David O. Russell; starring Christian Bale, Amy Adams, Bradley Cooper, Jeremy Renner and Jennifer Lawrence; rated R (pervasive language, some sexual content and brief violence); in general release; running time: 138 minutes.

THE WOLF OF WALL STREET (6.5 out of 10) Co-written and directed by Martin Scorsese; starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Jonah Hill and Matthew McConaghey; rated R (sequences of strong sexual content, graphic nudity, drug use and language throughout, and for some violence); in general release; running time: 179 minutes.

Director David O’Russell is at his best when he’s trying to be himself, not imitate someone else. With his latest, he tries so hard to the look and feel of a Martin Scorsese movie that he gets lost in those details and forgets how to tell a story.

Luckily, he has a good story to tell here: Helped out by most of an all-star cast from his most recent successes (The Fighter, Silver Linings Playbook), Russell reminds us about the ABSCAM scandals of ‘70s and ‘80s, as seen through the eyes of con artists (Christian Bale, Amy Adams and Jennifer Lawrence), politicians (Jeremy Renner) and the FBI (Bradley Cooper).

The material does offer Lawrence, Renner and Adams some opportunities to shine. The real sore thumb here is a paunchy Bale, who wears unconvincing balding hair appliances and offers up a truly bad (and hammy) Robert De Niro impression. Then there’s the film’s nearly disastrous final quarter or so, which proves to be this Hustle’s undoing.

As for Scorsese, at this point in his career, no one can tell him no, which is both a good and bad thing. His latest is a bloated, overlong, but still enjoyable crime comedy-drama that earns good will from the earnest performances of its talented cast.

Scorsese re-teams with Leonardo DiCaprio, who stars as Jordan Belfort, a morally sketchy New York stockbroker involved in one of the biggest stock fraud cases from the 1990s. DiCaprio’s clearly having a great time with this story and this character, and that enthusiasm transfers over to the top-notch supporting cast (which includes Matthew McConaughey, Kyle Chandler, Margot Robbie and Mob City’s Jon Bernthal).

However, co-star Jonah Hill looks and sound ridiculous with oversized dental appliances that alter his voice and speech patterns, and some of the film’s excesses (sexual and drug wise) are a bit excessive. Some judicious pruning would have turned this three-hour exercise in indulgences into a tighter, more cohesive and coherent film. Flaws aside, it’s still worth seeing if you’re a Scorsese and/or cinema nut.

Jeff Michael Vice, aka Jerk-bot, can be heard reviewing films, television programs, comics, books, music and other things as part of The Geek Show Podcast (www.thegeekshowpodcast.com), as well as be seen reviewing films as part of Xfinity’s Big Movie Mouth-Off (www.facebook.com/BigMovieMouthOff).

Disclaimer: All of the comics reviewed in this column were either comped by the respective creators/companies, or purchased from Dr. Volts Comics in Salt Lake City.

BIFF! BANG!! POW … WOW!!!

By Jerk-Bot

47 RONIN (five-issue miniseries, full color, 144 pages, Dark Horse Comics, $3.99 per issue)

WHO’S RESPONSIBLE? Mike Richardson (writer), Stan Sakai (artist and letterer), Lovern Kindzierski (colorist), Kazuo Koike (editorial consultant).

THE 47 RONIN: A GRAPHIC NOVEL (graphic novel, black and white, 160 pages, Shambhala Publications, $14.99)

WHO’S RESPONSIBLE? Sean Michael Wilson (writer), Akiko Shimojima (artist).

Timing, as they say, is everything. How else do you explain two very different but somewhat high-profile, comics-related projects that both bear the title “47 Ronin” being released in a year in which Hollywood has produced a big-budgeted, fantasy/action-adventure movie that’s billing itself as “47 Ronin?”

That Christmas-time film release appears to have little to do with the original Japanese folk tales and legends that have inspired many other books, television programs and movies in its home country – aside from its shared title. (The somewhat race-blind casting of Keanu Reeves in a central role is one of several departures from the film and the more-faithful adaptations of this beloved revenge tale, which is held in high standing for its themes of loyalty and honor.

As for the two comics projects, they’re considerably more faithful to the source material, both in terms of tone and story. The simply titled “47 Ronin” is a long-in-development, full-color adaptation that teams Dark Horse Comics publisher Mike Richardson (as writer) and “Usagi Yojimbo” creator Stan Sakai (as the artist and letterer).

In their version, the faithful retainers and vassals of a Japanese lord, Asano, plot their revenge against Kira, a wealthy, well-connected lord who goaded Asano into an assault. (The shogunate, while sympathetic to Asano’s plight, ordered the beloved lord to commit seppuku, or suicide, and for his lands and holdings to be dispersed.)

Asano’s right-hand man, Oishi, bides his time and bids his fellow Ronin to do the same – to take their time and make sure the revenge against Kira is both fitting and honorable.

The “graphic novel” versions teams Scottish-born writer Sean Michael Wilson and Japanese comics artist Akiko Shimojima and tells a similar version of events, albeit in a black-and-white manga style.

THE GOOD.

You can tell there was a great day of research done by the creators of both projects into the costuming, the setting and language of the time period. Both sets of creators are to be commended for that, and for staying so true to the story. (Kazuo Koike, the creator of “Lone Wolf and Cub” and other Japanese comics classics, also consulted with Richardson on the story and content.)

Art wise, the Dark Horse project is much, much stronger. And it’s not just because Sakai is a more-experienced illustrator, both in terms of comics action and the samurai milieu. Relative newcomer Shimojima appears to have taken some cues from Sakai (such as the image of a spirit leaving the body of a deceased swordsman, done in a style Sakai uses in his incredible “Usagi Yojimbo” comics), though the look of her characters is cartoonish in a different way, akin to more traditional manga rather than Sakai’s sometimes exaggerated characterizations.

Speaking of which, Sakai does tone that down, through the use of more-subtle body and facial language. His flow of action and dynamism is as good as ever, and he’s aided by ace colorist Lovern Kindzierski, who paints his images in a muted, watercolor-like palate.

THE BAD.

Both books are paced very deliberately, which may come off as a bit slow. Richardson and Sakai’s version dispenses with the court intrigue by the second issue, and gets into the meatier revenge plotting much more quickly. Wilson seems almost obsessed with depicting what it was like to be in a Japanese royal court, and rushes headlong into the revenge sequences eventually (possibly too late).

Also, some readers may have a hard time differentiating Shimojima’s male characters, which are too similar in appearance. Contrast that with Sakai’s more original character designs (he’s become a master at this, even though he’s more known for drawing “funny animal” characters than for drawing human ones).  

THE UGLY.

Um … anyone else notice how much the logo on the Shambhala book looks like the ones for both Frank Miller’s “300” and “Sin City?”

And Shimojima’s depictions of the suicides, killings and decapitations get a little too graphic, right down to the unconvincing, almost laughable blood spurts. By comparison, Sakai would rather imply instead of show the more sordid bits, though he’s accomplished enough to make it clear what’s happening to these characters.

IN CONCLUSION.

It’s unfortunate that Wilson and Shimojima’s book appeared so closely on the heels of the considerable better-done Richardson/Sakai one. It’s doomed to fail by comparison, though it does have a few appeals — mainly that it’s in a more-convenient, complete form months before the Dark Horse one is collected in hardcover.

And speaking of which, early issues of the Dark Horse comic are a little scarce. So you’re encouraged to pre-order the collected hardcover ($19.99), which is due in comics stores Feb. 19 next year. (This collection also promises to have production notes and pages showing Sakai’s character designs, so even if you got the individual issues, you may want to seek it out.)

Jerk-bot, better known in human form as Jeff Michael Vice, can be heard reviewing films, television programs, comics, books, music and other things as part of The Geek Show Podcast (www.thegeekshowpodcast.com), as well as be seen reviewing films as part of Xfinity’s Big Movie Mouth-Off (www.facebook.com/BigMovieMouthOff)