The Department of Health’s Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued an official statement this past week denying the existence of a “Zombie Virus” following the latest flux of incidents involving people acting in a zombie-like manner.

“CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms),” the agency’s spokesman, David Daigle, told the Huffington Post.

Now, when the CDC makes a statement regarding something that no one was actually concerned about, I get a little nervous. It’s like a roommate voluntarily saying they would never clean the toilet with your toothbrush.

Between the flesh eating virus wandering around Georgia and the ‘Causeway Cannibal’ the undead pandemic is right around the corner. ‘Bath Salts’ aside, Patient Zero could be escaping from the lab any day now.

And when you think about it, this is how a Zombie apocalypse would first be reported in reality. Social media. Suspicious internet reports we all pass off as jokes, shrugging at the crazy face-eating shenanigans of people in Florida until it finally hits us…it’s for real. Not even taking more than 24 hours to realize and by that time, there is no way to get the brain gnawing genie back in the bottle. Bye bye humanity.

This is why I have decided to write, my Zombie manifesto.

To all of my friends, family and loved ones…

I have come to a bit of an epiphany, and my heart feels burdened to share it with you so that should things come to pass in a certain fashion, you will not be surprised, nor afraid for my well-being, but will instead know that I am in my right mind, and that my thoughts and actions are premeditated and absolute.

I have come to accept the cold hard facts of the matter, and after analyzing the situation to its fullest extent and begrudgingly owning up to the truth, I must admit to myself that in the event of a Zombie apocalypse, I would be nothing more than a snack for the horde. I’m pretty much Zombie chow.

Should a reanimated breakout occur, I tell you to go ahead and leave me, knowing full well that I mean it. At best, I would slow you, and our fellow survivors down, and at worst, I would get you killed as you tried to protect me as the hungry scourge comes ever closer. Now, I assume that I wouldn’t be one of the first to go, but there is no way I would be the last man standing. I’m WAY to much of a pampered wussy to not only withstand the constant running, hiding and paranoia of the walking dead but also the elements. The only gun I’ve ever fired was a BB rifle. I hope that brings a tear of hope to your eye.

It is with these self-evident truths in mind that I have decided to prepare for that event. I will save you a lot of work ahead of time. I have put a post-it note on my front door as to where all my canned goods are. As well as any medicine, blunt objects and booze.

Also know that in the event that I get turned into a Zombie, you are free to kill me at this time, or you may keep me around as a good luck charm, or even let me wonder the city in my non-threatening new existence. I leave that up to you.

I am so glad I got the chance to share this revelation with you, and hope that the Zombie apocalypse never comes to pass, but if it ever does, I implore you to remember: aim for the head.

Sincerely,

Dagobot

PS. Always double tap.

PSS. On second thought, forget it. Meet me at the Winchester. I’ll be the one with a crowbar in one hand and a pint in the other. Cheers.