TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2 out of 10) Directed by Michael Bay; Written by Art Marcum; Matt Holloway, Ken Nolan and story by Akiva Goldsman; Starring Mark Wahlberg, Anthony Hopkins, Josh Duhamel, Laura Haddock, Peter Cullen, Frank Welker, John Goodman, Ken Watanabe, Jim Carter; Rated PG-13 for violence and intense sequences of sci-fi action, language, and some innuendo; Running time 149 minutes; In wide release June 21, 2017.
Three years ago, unable to cope with the awfulness that was the last Transformers movie, I outsourced my review to Grimlock, King of the Dinobots. Feeling similarly stricken and unable to comment on what I’ve just seen, I again phoned my old pal and asked him to help me review this one.
Me Grimlock, angry about new Transformers movie.
Michael Bay take hundreds of millions of dollars and blow them up and still make it look boring! Why can you no make Transformers fun?
Grimlock fun. Dinobots fun. Grimlock only in movie for five minutes. Decepticons attack Autobots in abandoned junkyard in Badlands, North Dakota. Dinobots there! Dinobots can fight! But no– Michael Bay move action to abandoned small town. Somehow ghost town in North Dakota have two giant art deco skyscrapers. Why? And why heroes going there? So Marky Mark can fall out of giant elevator?Even Grimlock with small brain understand that dumb.
This movie have more plotholes than explosions. And it have lots of explosions! They just not fun.
And no think Grimlock just sour grapes he not in movie. You know who else not in movie much? Optimus Prime. Why?!?! Me King Grimlock, but me know fan favorite and franchise leader! Why no Prime? When Prime fight in finale, it good movie. But stupid movie decide that it better for Prime to be on Cybertron most of movie, and then somehow he tricked into being bad guy when he come back? Grimlock small dinobot brain, but even Grimlock know that super dumb.
Everyone in movie dumb. No one smart. Even smart English people like Anthony Hopkins not smart. He what stupid person think smart person is. And me Grimlock know what stupid people think. He also have Transformer butler, played by Jim Carter– he also butler on Downton Abbey. He and Anthony Hopkins best part of movie, and they try to have fun, but it just not enough. Michael Bay make Grimlock hate Downton Abbey. Grimlock will murder Michael Bay for this.
Hopkins tells everyone Merlin and King Arthur work with Transformers, make secret society that protect secret of Transformers on Earth. That dumb. Everyone look for Merlin staff because it actually Transformer powerful object that can restore Cybertron, but would kill Earth. Who care?!? It big space macguffin. So is “important” talisman Marky Mark find. It not important. Just stupid. Movie need actual plot.
In other Transformer movie, at least there some big action scene that fun. Nothing fun here. Only stupid. Only explosion. It not offensive same way Stepin Fetchit robots were in Revenge of the Fallen, or ruin childhood like Leonard Nimoy in Dark of the Moon. Those movies aggressively bad. But this also not have anything good in it. Boring. Need more Dinobots. Needs more Optimus Prime.
Grimlock want his two and a half hours back.