Rule 34: John Wick

Welcome to Rule 34! Where I watch the porn parodies so you don’t have to. Today, we’re delving into the parody of the greatest action flick of the decade: John Wick.

The parody, titled John Wank (please don’t ask why they didn’t go with John Dick), comes from our pals at 

Senpai(s) has noticed me.

I woke up bright and early and remembered that John Wank was premiering and did what any good podcast panelist would do, I messaged our group chat every detail. 

8:43 John Wank has a cool soundtrack
8:45 He is very sad his wife who retired from porn and, in turn, sent him a dog?
8:46 This scene utilizes the comedy “rule of a million” where he takes five minutes to sign his name on a clipboard
8:46 Also, not a dog. A Fleshlight
8:48 Oh no the Fleshlight was murdered
8:48 There is a pool of blood
8:48 No wait
8:49 Wild cherry lube
8:50 “it’s not how you fucked. It’s WHO you fucked.”
8:51 We called him Booby Yaga.
8:51 John will come for you. Then you will come for John.
8:53 “You are some assassin.”
“I’m actually more of a…ti-hit man.”

I give John Wank a 6/10. While the soundtrack was great, it played through the whole movie. Kind of repetitive and tedious. But, what it lacks in plot, it makes up in humor and incorporation of sex toys. Like PornHub gave them a bunch of product and told them to “figure it out.” And boy, did they.