It’s no secret the studios didn’t want critics seeing Transformers 4 early. So, just like Optimus Prime when he needed extra help, we asked the mighty leader of the Dinobots to review the film for us. Here are his thoughts:
Me, Grimlock, thank CitizenBot for letting Grimlock review movie and for transcribing what me, Grimlock say. Tiny dinosaur arms make hard to type.
Me, Grimlock like Transformers 4 ok. It not bad compared to last two Transformer movies. But it still not great. It big, stupid, slow-moving, loud, destructive, and sometimes cool to watch– just like Dinobots! Transformers 4 is Dinobots of summer movies.
It borrow a lot from Transformers stories like “The Key to Vector Sigma,” “S.O.S. Dinobots” and Transformers movie from 1986, except no one sing “The Touch.” Not even Mark Wahlberg like in Boogie Nights.
Some people think Tranformers 4 first time Dinobots in movie. Grimlock not film novice! Grimlock KING of Autobots in 1986 movie!
Biggest problem with movie? Not enough Grimlock and Dinobots. Dinobots only rampage through Hong Kong for last 15-20 minutes of 3 hour movie. And really? Grimlock attack Hong Kong? Godzilla call Grimlock and ask me to stop working his side of street. Same with Pacific Rim kaiju.
And if Grimloick honest, Pacific Rim do robot fighting in Hong Kong better than Transformers.
But Dinobots still best part of movie. Too bad there not more of us. There lots of action through movie, but action best when Dinobots show up.
Grimlock’s other problem? Grimlock not have a single line. Same with Slag, Snarl, Swoop and Sludge. Dinobots stay silent. Grimlock understand that SAG rules say they pay me less if Grimlock not speak, but Michael Bay spend hundreds of millions but can’t afford to pay Dinobots to give speaking role? (Grimlock’s agent pressured Grimlock into bad deal doing non-speaking role.) Grimlock articulate! Grimlock toy have multiple points of articulation!
Human cast and plotlines boring. Mark Wahlberg’s acting more robotic than actual robots in movie. Grimlock no care about you being frustrated inventor or that hot daughter have older, race-car driving boyfriend!! TJ Miller funny when he in movie. Grimlock want more TJ Miller, but will have to watch Silicon Valley to get it. But most of human cast stupid and forgettable. Just like other Transformers movies.
Except human villains. Kelsey Grammer and Titus Welliver (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Argo, Lost, Supernatural, Deadwood) both awesome. Grimlock like bad Kelsey Grammer. Grimlock going to go put in DVD of “Boss” right now! Welliver is stone cold killer and badass. Grimlock like him on Agents of SHIELD and one-shot short “Item 47” and Lost and Supernatural.
But robot villain? He make Grimlock scratch head. Maybe Grimlock not smart enough, but Grimlock never understand what he want or why he hunting Optimus Prime. Movie, you had 3 hours to explain, and you put off explanation until sequel? You stupider than tiny-brain Dinobots, movie!
But other robots good. Grimlock love John Goodman as Hound. Grimlock not understand why robot Hound have beard, pot belly, and and smoke cigar, but Jon Goodman voice work make up for it. Now Grimlock think about it, Hound kind of look like John Goodman from Big Lebowski.
Robots also learn important lesson from Pacific Rim: robots always coolest when fight with giant sword. Best parts of movie are sword fighting, including Autobot samurai Drift, played by Ken Watanabe. John DiMaggio also good as Autobot Crosshairs, just not as good as on Adventure Time or Futurama. But Crosshairs gets maybe funnest action sequence in movie during Hong Kong fight at end of movie.
Grimlock give minor spoilers here, so no whining:
Some people asking whether Megatron in movie, or Motormaster (he big black and grey semi that look kind of like Decepticon Optimus Prime)
Spoiler is that the bad guys been trying to clone Optimus Prime, but his robot form look like Megatron. Codenamed “Galvatron” he tranform into semi like Motormaster/Optimus Primue but really he just Megatron.
End spoilers.
Best way to watch Transformers 4 is to play drinking game. Whenever Mark Wahlberg talks about being inventor or do something “science,” drink. Any time there gratuitous product placement porn? Take drink. Take two drinks if product is Chinese and you have no clue what it is. Grimlock give warning: this drinking game may cause alcohol poisoning.
Michael Bay know how to make bloated, effects-driven popcorn fodder. It long and need to be cut down by almost an hour, but it not completely bad movie. It at least not have racist robots or science fiction icon like Leonard Nimoy ruining his legacy. It just stupid and explosions.
Grimlock give this 4/10: two for dinobots, two for human bad guys. But Grimlock not sure why anyone would see this, waste three hours, when so many other good movies? Me, Grimlock, like “Begin Again” much better.
Now Grimlock going to diction class for summer blockbuster stars with good friends Caesar and Hulk. Grimlock see you soon.