Today’s column is a bit seasonal, and oddly enough it doesn’t feature the origin of a character. It does have an origin of sorts, though. Around this time of year, there is a lot of talk about this guy that wears red, and has a place up in the Arctic. Yes, of course I’m talking about Superman, but did you know there’s another denizen of the frigid north? You may not have thought about him in years, but that doesn’t mean he’s not there. So grab some eggnog, kick back by the fire, as I tell you… The Secret Origin of the Superman/Santa team!
Our story starts, as most Superman tales do, in Metropolis. A Salvation Army Santa is being held up by a youngster with a dart gun. Superman arrives on the scene and finds out the lad has been hypnotized, so he decides to wrap the kid in his cape and fly him to the Fortress of Solitude in the arctic, for “study”. He brings the boy, named Timmy Dickens, of all things, out of hypnosis where he grills the kid about what’s happened. Superman asks Tim where he got this dart gun that hypnotized him (comics!), and Timmy tells his tale about he snuck into his parents room to scope out presents. He mentions that he’s too old to believe in Santa, which is what compelled him to be a little d-bag and ruin his Christmas surprises. He doesn’t remember anything after he picked up the gun though. Superman then suggests something, that regardless of the context, is just plain creepy.
"It'll only hurt at first." *shudder*
Anyway, Superman does his hypno-whammy and finds out that none other than Winslow Schott, the Toyman is behind these shenanigans. Before you can say “Jack Frost roasting on an open fire” Superman and Timmy are flying back home when some random toy boat Timmy was holding shoots Superman with a weird ray that causes him to plummet from the sky. He barely has time to twist his body so Timmy lands on him and not vice versa. In the middle of the frozen north, Timmy is pleading for Superman to wake up, otherwise they’ll both die out there. It seems hopeless, but all of a sudden, little men come to help out. and they team up to carry the Man of Steel to safety.
"Quit complaining, the more meat on his bones, the longer he'll provide us with sweet sustinence!"
As this cheerful scene is happening, we cut to the Toyman, who somehow was watching the entire scene. He’s a bit miffed that he can’t see what happened after Superman fell from the sky, but he’s pretty confident that big blue is dead. You see, he somehow got his hand on white dwarf matter, and instead of shrinking him like the Atom, he used it as “heavy gravity energy” which not only made Superman plummet, but saps his powers also. Science! Toyman takes a break from his revelry though, suspecting if Kal-El isn’t dead, he’ll be coming to settle the score. The Toyman wants to be prepared so he starts tinkering, and we leave this scene for another.
We find ourselves back in what is now described to us as the north pole! Superman is slowly coming to, and he see his stout benefactors along with their boss, as it truly is a sight to behold:
Not a dream! Not an Imaginary Story! (well, aren't they all?)
Superman is all like, “yeah, right”, proclaiming if there were a secret workshop at the North Pole, he would know about it. Santa explains no one can see it unless he wills it to be so. Pleasantries are exchanged, and Superman explains that he has to stop the Toyman. Santa, being a right jolly old elf, already knows. Mr. Schott is definitely on the naughty list. Santa takes Superman to his monitor room which totally looks like Nasa’s mission central. For me, it kind of takes some of the magic out of the Santa myth, that he has to keep track of the world with technology rather than say, magic, but I’ll let it go, seeing as this is DCU Santa.
I guess Santa/Superman don’t consider Toyman to be too much of a threat, because they spend some time chit-chatting about the good old days, and how toys aren’t as good as they used to be back in the day. For Santa, this means wooden horses and the like, but for Superman, he pines for a holographic projector he had as an infant on Krypton. You see, good old Superman liked to watch Kryptonian Masters of the Universe on it:
Seriously, tell me that's not Battle Cat from He-Man.
With that seemingly unimportant plot element out of the way, Santa explains it’s time to get things done, it being Christmas Eve and all. It seems that Toyman has sold booby-trapped toys all over the place. Santa offers to take Superman with him on his yearly sojourn, killing two birds with one stone, as it were. Also, Superman is still weakened by the gravity ray, so he’s not really 100%. Superman insists he’s fine, and Santa and Superman fly off separately. quickly though, we learn that Santa is indeed wise. Superman can’t stay airborne! Luckily, Santa uses his famed sleigh to catch him, and they’re off like a “Schott”.
Wanting to get on with his own stuff, Santa decrees the first stop is the Big Schott toy store. The doors are locked, so Santa suggest they take his traditional form of breaking and entering and use the chimney. For some reason, the chimney is completely bricked up, but Superman takes care of that by totally just busting through, like a Kryptonian Kool-Aid Man.
"Oh Yeah!"
Like I said previously, Toyman is prepared for this eventuality, and sics a bunch of pre-programmed toys on Superman! You’d think Superman would make short work of them, but not only is he still weakened, it seems some of these diabolical toys have trace amounts of Kryptonite! Things looks dire for the Man of Steel, but Santa is on the scene! He and the elves use the ‘ol Christmas magic and counter Toyman’s toys with his own private toy army, and what ensues is the toy battle of this or any other century!
I'd like to see Buzz and Woody do this!
The fray goes on for a bit, with Santa not getting his hands dirty, possibly to keep his existence a secret. With the help of his toy soldiers, the battle seems to be turning in favor of the good guys. Just when the battle seems won, Toyman turns a gun on Superman, while Kal-El is busy confronting a Cylon. Santa has it covered though, in his own special way:
"This one's for all the marbles, Superman!"
With Toyman underfoot, Superman has things well in hand and gives the baddie over to the authorities who have been summoned thanks to Super-Ventriloquism. Superman is finally feeling the effects of the gravity ray wearing off, and just in time, too! He has discovered a receipt list of where all of the tainted toys are located, and raids the houses of good boys and girls in the wink of an eye! Santa, satisfied with a job well done, wishes Superman a Merry Christmas, and asks him to return little Timmy home. Superman is just about to do just that when the toy ship that zapped Superman earlier in the story does it yet again! It seems Timmy may be a bit of a liability, but before that can be discussed, we find Superman and Timmy back in the arctic cold. It seems it indeed was all a dream, or was it? You see, Timmy now suddenly believe in Santa Claus, among other things. Superman shakes it off and takes Timmy home. Finally rid of the troublesome child, Superman returns to Clark Kent’s apartment, and grabs his street clothes out of his secret cape pocket, where he finds his own Christmas miracle.
Yes Superman, there is a Santa Claus!
Heartwarming, isn’t it? Well, I’m sure you’ll agree, while this wasn’t a traditional Secret Origin, it was still quite entertaining! So from me to you, dear reader, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!