Anyone who reads these columns know that I am a big fan of the Flash. I previously showed the origin of Barry Allen as the Flash in the very first Secret Origins column, before the current format took shape. Even though his origin was recounted, I figured that Barry’s tale needed a revisit, because I didn’t tell the true story. You’ll need to take an aspirin to protect yourself from the barrage of facepalms you’re bound to give yourself in this, The Real Origin of the Flash!

Our tale starts innocuously enough, with Barry (Flash) Allen tracking down a bunch of jewel smugglers. Being just normal-type thugs, the Flash routes them easily, even toying with them. Just when he’s about to wrap things up though, the unexplained “aura” that protects Barry from friction-heat just goes away…Yeah, it’s not like being flung at escape velocity will harm him at all.

 Since Barry is conveniently fighting at the docks, he takes a dip to douse his spontaneous combustion. Before he can figure out a reasonable explanation for what’s happened, the answer is given to him as he emerges from the drink. A stout fellow in green robes and too-big spectacles explains it was he who removed the friction aura and furthermore he had to, as it is the first step in removing Barry’s super-speed entirely! The Flash, rightly so, asks who the heck this guy is and what right does he have to do take his gifts away!? Well, he’s Mopee, Initiate 10th Class of the Heavenly Help-Mates! A mere description doesn’t do the guy justice though…

Which is MUCH less likely than this, don’cha know?

Mopee is nonplussed. He even taunts Barry a little, saying “Do you really believe that’s what happened, a scientist like you? I deliberately brought that lightning down!” You know, much more scientific. Anyway, Mopee decides to start at the beginning. When he reached the 10th class initiate level, he was tasked with giving a human the gift of super speed. He picks Barry because he’s honest, brave, and sincere. While that’s all true, it seems good ol’ Mopee took a wrong turn on the way back from Earth. Because of this, he wasn’t able to report to his (much more competent) superiors for a few years, during which Barry because one of the more celebrated crime fighters on the planet. Normally, that’d be a “no harm, no foul” situation, but when he does make his report to his betters, we find Mopee made a pretty grievous error in bestowing powers on Barry.

I dunno. That seems like a pretty arbitrary rule for people with that kind of power.

Barry, nice guy that he is, believes this crazy story, mainly because he doesn’t have much of a choice. He muses that it might be nice to be powerless, no responsibility or anything. Also, he wouldn’t have to tell his new bride Iris his secret identity. Win-win, right? Barry quickly reconsiders though, because he wouldn’t be able to go adventuring anymore.  It doesn’t really matter though, because Mopee is all like, “Hey man, the law is the law, you’re losing your speed no matter what!” That is, until Barry convinces him to check his bylaws for a loophole. As it turns out, there is, and it’s just as ridiculous as the rest of this tale so far!

He’s probably going to make Barry literally jump though hoops next.

Just between us, I’m starting to think that the Heavenly Help-Mates are a celestial frat house who just like to torment humanity. At any rate, Barry, who has gone this far and just wants to keep being the Flash asks how much money he’ll need to buy said chemicals. Math (among other things) isn’t Mopee’s strong suit and tasks Barry with figuring it out himself. It turns out to be $94.36 which equates to about $660 in 2013 dollars. Since Barry is married, he can’t hire himself out as a gigolo, so he does the next best thing, take an ad out in the paper! Mopee think that Barry’s ad lacks panache, so he alters it a bit to sound more urgent.

“Yes, this trial will suffice. ‘The paddling of the swollen ass… with paddles“

Seriously though, the Flash is tasked with making high-speed deliveries cross-country. What follows is an Indiana Jones-esque series of stops on a map, until there is only one package left, back in Central City. As luck would have it, Mopee is being his old self and Flash loses his friction aura again, resulting in this…

Oh, that explains EVERYTHING! He’s just drunk!

Before we can find out what’s in the package, we’re given a flashback back to last night when Flash was fighting the jewel smugglers. In a case of being too smart for their own good, the hoods figure Flash isn’t following them so he can shadow them and find their boss. As far as criminals in comics go, that’s pretty astute. So of course, he’s dead wrong, what with Flash having lost his friction aura instead. Anyway, the crooks get the bright idea to put the Heart Diamonds they smuggled into a package in the warehouse they pass by. You can probably guess where this coincidence is going to take us, and sure enough, we find the Heart Diamonds in the burning package. Not knowing the crooks themselves are behind this, Barry assumes the fine gent who hired him is, so he doubles back to the shipping company. There, the bad guys just happen to be there to retrieve their diamonds. The Flash then unleashes some built up stress on them…

You’d think a force 12 times more powerful than a Tornado would kill a man. Thugs were made of sterner stuff then.

You’d think Flash has the upper hand, and you’re right. However, being pinned against a wall thanks to centrifugal force won’t stop these guys, as one somehow manages to pull a gun and fire! Again, you’d think with his fears expressed in the above panel, Barry would just move out of the way at super speed, but he instead opts to vibrate his body and let the bullet pass through him! A valid tactic, even though his body would be torn apart if his protective aura did in fact fail. Let’s watch, shall we?

Hooray for unnecessary suspense!

So, after that (literal and metaphorical) bullet was dodged, Flash proceeds to knock out the crooks with a series of super speed punches while they’re still stuck to the wall. Mopee offers to catch the falling baddies for Barry, seeing that he’s just been so wonderful about his hazing ordeal. Mopee recreates the accident that gave Barry his Flash powers. Barry has one last question for Mopee, but he has to return to his home planet.

” target=”_blank”>Note: Mopee died on the way back to his home planet.

And Mopee was never seen again. DC in fact pretty much disavowed this story almost immediately. This issue has never been reprinted, and Mopee has been relegated to an comic continuity joke. All joking aside though, I freaking love this issue. It’s so absurd, that you can’t help but love it. It’s also the very first Silver Age comic I ever bought for myself, based purely on the cover. That Julius Schwartz sure knew what he was doing to get kids to buy comics.

This story appeared in The Flash v1 #167, February 1967. As mentioned above, it’s never been reprinted.