Yesterday I called Superman III the red-headed stepchild of the franchise, a term I use with the most endearing tone possible since I have a thing for redheads. But if that metaphor were to continue, Superman IV is the bastard cousin with an IQ of 85 in prison after “accidentally” killing a couple of people.
It’s as if the producers said, “What was great about Superman the Movie and Superman II? Lex Luthor. Let’s get him back. And Zod. Let’s create another supervillain as strong as Superman.” And then they decided that they wanted to make sure the movie had a message. And Duckie from Pretty in Pink. That’s legit.
Oh, did you hate Superman hanging out with a kid in Superman III? You wanted that combine to run over Ricky? Well, brace yourselves. Because little Jeremy is about the worst, annoying child actor in a superhero film in…. ever. When The Daily Planet publishes a headline, “Superman to Kid: DROP DEAD” I was like, “Yeah, way to go, Supes! F@#$ that kid!!!” And while not in the version currently available, I remember seeing on an extended tv version where Superman takes little Jeremy up to space to look at the planet the way he sees it. Awww, there’s not borders between countries! If it were any sweeter it would put me into a diabetic coma.
Which leads me to my next complaint– everyone goes into space in this movie. When Superman and Nuclear Man fight above the Earth and Nuclear Man takes Lacy Warfield hostage– I guess she must be Kryptonian, because she seemed perfectly ok with no atmosphere and a temperature and pressure way below normal human living conditions. Same for lil’ Jeremy (though I wish his head had exploded a la Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall). But in reality, this is only a minor infraction compared with how the film repeatedly defies the laws of physics and all sense. Superman moves the moon to block out the sun to stop Nuclear Man. In other news, MASSIVE TIDAL WAVES CAUSED BY SUPERMAN MOVING THE MOON!
Furthermore, in a scene that begins at dinnertime in Metropolis, Superman and Nuclear Man fight at various spots around the world. And yet somehow, it’s also daytime in Italy, as Superman stops the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius (by cutting off the top of another mountain and just plugging it– like a cork. Because that totally works on volcanoes). It’s also daytime at the Great Wall of China, which, amazingly is being visited by only white, English-speaking tourists. Hmmmmm, so how can it be daytime in Metropolis (come on– it’s New York– so, GMT -4), Italy (GMT +2), and China (GMT +8). That’s right, it basically can’t be. It’s just stupid and lazy writing. Speaking of, so is Superman’s “power” to mysteriously rebuild the portions of the Great Wall that Nuclear Man blows up. Gaaaah. . . .
And then there’s that darn romantic subplot. Yes, this script goes so far as to employ that old trick like so many 70’s and 80’s sitcoms where the guy has two dates for the dance and has to keep going back and forth between them– with Superman on a date with Lois Lane and Clark dating Lacy Warfield. Ugh.
And then there’s the villain. Yes, Lex Luthor (or should I say Gene Hackman?) is great, as always. But when he refers to Lenny Luthor (Jon Cryer) as the “Dutch Elm Disease” of his family tree, I couldn’t agree more. And then there’s Nuclear Man. Seriously? NUCLEAR man? That’s not a little heavyhanded? Oh, I forgot. This movie has the subtlety of a sledgehammer. But Nuclear Man is a lame villain. He can be defeated if he goes in the shade? And his biggest superpower against The Man of Steel seems to be he can grow his fingernails long and then give him a nasty scratch. Ow– that hurt!! And now you basically gave Superman a bad flu. . .
But perhaps the worst thing about Superman IV is, because this was the 80’s, well gosh darn it if we’re not going to try to teach you a lesson. Nuclear war is bad, people, ok? See? But I just love <sarcasm> Superman’s speech at the end. He basically tells people, “If ya’ll want to blow each other up, I can’t do anything about it.” Plaigairize Dwight Eisenhower and tell people “there will be peace when the people of the world want it so much that their leaders will have no choice but to give it to them.”
It’s so incredibly lame and naive, because the actual storyline tells a completely different story: there could be peace, except for the conservative ideologues for whom war is a necessary and useful construct, the military-industrial complex, and black market arms dealers. Those are the real villains– the Lex Luthors of the world– and peace is possible if you get rid of them. Instead, we’re left with some broad platitudes about how Superman can’t or won’t help, and it’s just up to us to “Give Peace a Chance.” So naive.
There’s very little to like here. The effects are terrible. The plot is dumb. And clocking in at just under 90 minutes, the shortest of all the Superman movies, it feels like the longest. The only bright spot are Hackman and Reeve, both of whom deserve better material.
Perhaps the only bright spot here is that this movie solves the riddle of “How Superman Shaves” that an unnamed razor company has been pushing on social media. Lex Luthor clearly cuts Superman’s hair with a simple set of bolt cutters. This means he must only have a durable razor to be able to cut his own hair. Just sayin’. Then again, I think it would be fair to keep the fan theory debate alive by just ignoring the movie altogether. That might be a good strategy.