Oh Superman III. So maligned, so misunderstood. You are the ugly redheaded stepchild of the film franchise. Released 30 years ago this summer, it languished at the box office ($60 million– a tidy sum for 1983 and still considered a financial success, though not a huge one) compared to the epic awesomeness of Return of the Jedi ($309 million), then also had not one but two competing James Bond films (Octopussy and Never Say Never Again), plus more serious fare like Scarface and WarGames and comedy classics National Lampoon’s Vacation and Trading Places. Compared with all that, and how seminal the first two films were, Superman III is almost forgettable.
Except that it’s totally not.
I remember first seeing Superman III on an airplane as a kid. Let me restate: I remember being severely traumatized by Superman III and the scene where the mean lady gets turned into a scary robot. On a plane.
So it wasn’t until many years later that I actually was able to overcome my fear of scary cyberwomen (who is, quite frankly, scary enough looking as a “human”) and enjoy the strange weirdness of Superman III. This film, like half of Superman II, was directed by Richard Lester. And here, in this more silly (and yet somehow simultaneously so much darker and more sinister) film, Lester is able to really make it work to his advantage. Instead of just filling in Richard Donner’s gaps, Lester present an artistic vision cut from whole cloth. Now, it may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but at least it doesn’t suffer from the uneven feeling of its predecessor or the slow, deliberate pacing of the first Donner film.
But most important are the lessons Superman III teaches us. It almost plays like an afterschool special in some places, and so in the spirit of The More You Know, I present the top lessons you can learn from Superman III.
The first lesson is that in the world of Superman III – in the 80’s, computers can f@#$ing do ANYTHING.
To be fair, computers were still fairly new and exotic, so people didn’t know any better about what was realistic and what wasn’t. And, as the saying goes, buy the premise, buy the bit. You have to buy into this idea pretty early or else the movie doesn’t make a lick of sense.
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLw9OBV7HYA
Not only did Richard Pryor/Gus Gorman’s hacking become the basis for a major plot point in Office Space, but it was one of only a dozen hilarious bits where a computer is able to perform some feat of magic.
During a drunk hacking session, from one terminal at the local wheat concern in Smallville (which for some reason has a security system where you have to insert two keys at the same time– like it’s f@#$ing NORAD or something ready to launch a nuclear missle), Gus is able to make an ATM spit out extra cash, he messes up a traffic signal, oh and then finally takes over a military weather satellite, which is not only able to create a tornado in Colombia, but also analyze the molecular composition of kryptonite. Ok, so maybe the two-security-key system is warranted if that one computer can mess up that much stuff.
Compared to the more serious look at computers that same summer, War Games, Superman III looks silly. But we can’t all play “Global Thermonuclear War” with Joshua/WOPR, can we?
Oh, and then there’s the Ultimate Computer at the end, which not only targets missiles like an 8 bit video game, but can turn people into robots. It’s the Borg before there was the Borg!
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpTHrdemfQo
Computers can f@#$ing do anything.
The next lesson is that Richard Pryor is one awesome dude.
While the serious acting chops in this movie definitely go to Christopher Reeve, especially in his turn as the dark Superman, Richard Pryor’s heart and comedic timing are the glue that hold this movie together. He’s funny, he’s credible as both a shyster and a genius, and even though technically he’s one of the bad guys, we root for him. And he ultimately gets a chance at redemption at the end courtesy of Supes.
What a lesson: that in the end, the rich white billionaire and his devilspawn sister actually go to prison, but the black man they were exploiting gets a second chance. This would never happen in 2013. Because remind me again about all the rich, white billionaires who collapsed our economy in a fit of supervillainistic hubris and greed who have gone to jail, and the black guy who steals a loaf of bred gets thrown in the slammer? Some progress we’ve made in 30 years.
Again, I mentioned this came out the same summer as Trading Places, a movie I dearly love and actually think is more prescient and insightful today than ever. But you take Eddie Murphy’s performance in that movie, which is excellent, and compared to Richard Pryor here he looks like horse crap. Richard Pryor. Original B.A.M.F.
Everyone is hotter than Lois Lane.
Or maybe just everyone is hotter than Margot Kidder. Annette O’Toole as Lana Lang? Regardless of my weakness for readheads, she is by any standard measure absolutely gorgeous here. A little plain? Yes. Still hot? Yes. And perhaps most importantly, she wasn’t in love with Superman. She was falling for Clark. That’s got to make a guy feel good, especially where with Loisa super-guy has to be asking, “Does she love me for me, or because of my superpowers?”
Pamela Stephenson as “psychic nutritionist” Lorelai Ambrosia? Lose the horrible 80’s frizzy perm and you’re awesomely hot, too. And smart, to boot! She knows the computers and systems better than any of her cohorts. Sad that she has to pretend to be dumb, but, hey, it was the 80’s. It’s what a girl had to do to get ahead.
Jimmy Olsen? Jimmy Olsen is hotter in this movie than Lois Lane.
Thank the gods of Krypton we never saw her in that bikini she teases in an opening scene, though I’m betting her scapula and clavicles are so angular that they would cut right through that skimpy fabric.
Smoking and drinking and sex are bad, mmmkay?
What can turn the Big Blue Boy Scout into a Big Blue Bastard? Why, kryptonite. . . laced with tar, a ingredient Gus Gorman pulled out of his ass after looking at his cigarettes. Yeah, smoking is bad, kids. It turns you into a dick.
And then there’s this scene of Superman in a bar. Yeah, that happened. Hijinks ensure:
-i5xM30o”>httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlI-i5xM30o
Oh, and what would you do if some hot chica hanging out on the top of the Statue of Liberty propositioned you? Well, if she’s Lorelai Ambrosia and not ol’s skeleton face Lois Lane?
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9F6fbtgJDrg
Yeah, Superman just got laid. And boom goes the dynamite.
The duality of Superman is key
As silly as some of these are, and as silly as some of the movie is, there is one scene which best embodies the inner turmoil of Superman. Should he just start being a selfish dick? What keeps him in check and is ultimately stronger is not his arrogant Kryptonian nature but his Kansas farmboy roots. Meek little Clark Kent– stronger than Superman? Yes. Watch this and tell me I’m wrong.
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yL12bbRPUz4
And this is the scene that ultimately makes Superman III worth it all. While it’s not the film that its predecessors were, there’s still lots to love if you don’t take it too seriously