Bent on getting back at Marvel for being better at storytelling and possibly being a sleeper mole for DC, Jeph Loeb (born January 29th, 1958) has been accused, tried and convicted of infiltrating the House of Ideas and rudimentarily destroying once amazing and thought provoking material by ‘secretly’ replacing it… with the literal form of ultimate fecal matter.
It is believed that he finessed Marvel by use of hypnosis and touting the only good things he did (Long Halloween, Dark Victory, Teen Wolf Too and sometimes Heroes and Hush) and convinced the House that Stan built to entrust him with the most contemporary nearest and dearest ol’ chum… the Ultimate Universe.
It is believed that Loeb made his ideas sound better than he could actually write them.
Here’s part of a transcript in a meeting between Marvel and Mr. Loeb:
LOEB: “After Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver are murdered, Magneto, in a fit of rage will pick up and wield the mighty Mjolnir (Thor’s Hammer) and reign down terror upon the Ultimates”
MARVEL: “That sounds pretty good… how are you going to kill off Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver? It’s got to be done well, you know?”
LOEB: “Oh it will be tragic, Scarlet Witch will die by the same robot she gave feelings to in Ultimates 2 when she had under-developed control over her power. I see it as a cross between Long Halloween and Hush, where we try to figure out who murdered them by misdirecting the audience a bunch of times… you know, my usual.”
MARVEL: “Hmm, that sounds pretty good… so… you are going to follow some sort of continuity that other writers established before you this time.”
LOEB: “Of course… [clears throat] Then, I’m thinking that Magneto can do something that will shake up the entire Ultimate universe, but I tell you about that later.”
The evidence against him was substantial (some spoilers may ensue):
- Pacing the story like an 80’s music video montage
- Made Tony Stark into a depressing alcoholic and not a fun drunk. Who would want to hang out with him? You’d think after the sex tape leaked he’d be swarmed with groupies.
- Gave Valkyrie powers that go beyond the one established in Ultimates 2: Being a good ‘lay’
- Turned a believable Thor into a Thor that cannot be considered ‘for real’ by any stretch of imagination by giving him the most queer dialogue. Victorian Era closeted homo-sexual to be succinct. So much so that one questions how he can also ‘shack up’ with Valkyrie; she’s a good lay, but not that good.
- For not having Wasp and Ant get back together in a quasi-BDSM relationship before she got eaten by the Blob.
- Having the Wasp getting eaten by the Blob! If the Wasp tastes “like chicken”, the March to and during Ultimatum tastes like shit. (also, it’s not a spoiler if it was expired to begin with)
- Using continuity when it suits him and trashing it if it doesn’t wrap itself around his ‘story arc’
- Killing off characters in ridiculously stupid, inane ways and without care.
- Turning a fairly real, dark and ominous semi-reality into an everyday, dressed in spandex costumes morning, day and night, factory-pressed, fake as fu¢k comic that blows for shock value. (fellow saboteur Joe Madureira has yet to be convicted as fan-boys are dragging out litigation)
The sentence that may be carried out is still undetermined, though a swift kick in the balls has been discussed and could possibly happen as this is what Mr. Loeb is figuratively doing to all of those who have come to know and like the Ultimate Universe. The sales don’t lie, the Ultimates 3 went from #1 to #7 in ranking from issue one to issue two, if it weren’t for the names and the title of the comic, this reporter doubts if it would have been that.
Fembots and Gentletrons, it saddens Pencilbot to say this, but these books don’t even belong in a What If… Universe, these books have less than no substance. But don’t hang your head so soon in disappointment, Millar… Mark Millar 007 is the light waiting at the end of the tunnel to make this barren, hallowed forest lush once again with Ultimates 4.