I know it’s been a while since my last colonoscopy– long story short, there were some malpractice hearings, and I was forced to hang up my colonoscopy scalpel until I agreed to wash my hands before procedures. Thankfully I was able to bribe the judge, and now I’m back!

First up: Nemesis

The new book from Mark Millar and Steve McNiven. It follows a criminal that hunts down law enforcement, and kills them in less than humane ways. (You know how to humanly kill someone? Well it’s even less humane than that.)
There really wasn’t much to the first issue, just a bunch of very bad ass things happening very rapidly, and then it ended. I would also like to mention that it ended on a very generic Mark Millar cliffhanger. (This is at least the third time he’s had the President of the United States humiliated in front of the world at the hands of his enemy.)
Basically I don’t have anything bad to say about this book, it was gory, quick, and fun to read. But not bad doesn’t mean good. Based on the first issue, I wouldn’t call it a must read. Whereas I thought Kick-Ass felt like a must read immediately. Although judging from past history, I’ve acquired some blind faith in Mark Millar, so I will definitely be picking up the next issue to see if it gets any better.

Overview: I wish Mark Millar would eat more fiber before coming into my office… His ass is as powerful as ever, but everything on the inside is indistinguishable mush. After today’s colonoscopy I’ve set two new rules: The first, that Mark Millar isn’t allowed to fart while on the table… Second while examining Mark Millar, goggles and turd galoshes are a must… You live and you learn.

Prognosis: The bunghole is in good order, my only problem is, I shouldn’t have to preform colonoscopies with a shop vac!

Next, Invisible

Before giving this comic a colonoscopy, I had to ask it if it was eating hamburger with its butt…. Written by the poor man’s Jeph Loeb, (Robert Kirkman), and illustrated by the illustrious Ryan Ottley.

Invisible is one of my favorite comic book series of all time. My only problem with the series is that now and again it’s known to hit a lull. I believe this is due to the fact that Robert Kirkman spreads himself too thin. (Haunt, Invisible, Astounding Wolf-man, Walking Dead, and I believe he’s also writing Archie?) To alleviate any misinterpretation I would like to lay it down really clearly. I am a huge fan of Robert Kirkman, I just think he is burned out lately and that the series is suffering for it. At this point I would fully support Judd Winick taking over for a few issues until Kirkman can get his groove back. Now, I’m not suggesting that Judd Winick could do any better, but simply that he couldn’t do any worse…

You don’t have to stop reading Invincible… it would be much easier to just lower your expectations –Slugtron

Overview: I would never suggest that Kirkman’s ass has any STD’s. Though I did make him sign a waver before leaving my office that he would agree not to have sex with anyone ever again without first giving them illicit warning that in seven days a little girl would likely walk through their television to murder them.

Prognosis: Thankfully there is a cure, the common butt plug.

And finally, Ultimate Avengers 2

In my opinion Mark Millar has a serious problem. He starts out series in the best way possible, and keeps making them better issue after issue, but then ultimately fails to procure an ultimate climax. This was a major problem for me with Ultimate Avengers 1. The first issue was great and by the fifth issue I thought it was one of the best books coming out… And then issue 6 rolled around… it resolved everything, but wasn’t a fraction as cool as any of the previous books in the series. He did the same thing for Old Man Logan. It was awesome, then awesomer, and then it was never awesome again.

Mark Millar books and sex with Dr.Cyborg sound like they have a lot in common.  –Slugtron

Ahem…. Thankfully, at times he’s been able to break this chain, Ultimates 1&2, Civil War, Ultimate X-men & Fantastic 4. Therefore, all I can do is hope that this series happens to be cool… But just like the pre-cogs, Mark Millar is very  capable of a false positive, and I worry.

Overview: I wake up in the morning and I go to work. My secretary tells me, “I tried to stop him, he wouldn’t listen.” I tell her to put on a pot of coffee and I walk into the office. I wasn’t surprised to see Mark Millar…again…  lying over my desk with his pants down. “Mark,” I said, “Pull up your pants, I just checked you out. You’re shit is exactly the same as the last time.” and I think that statement sums up how I feel about this new series.

Prognosis: I think Mark Millar has a very attractive ass-hole, but I’ve seen it so many times now it’s hard to get excited… down there.

Until next time, Keep those asses clean!