The Wizeguy: Only For Kids

Illumination and Universal’s Nintendo video game adaptation The Super Mario Bros. Movie has mushroom powered up to record breaking opening weekend making it the highest-grossing debut of 2023. I applaud Nintendo’s “find the safest, least risky move possible and somehow go even more safe than that” approach to Mario and choosing to work with Illumination of all studios play here. The Mario franchise has paper-thin plots across every game. The new new is the textbook Mario movie. It’s fine for what it is. A sequel or sequels definitely will happen and the global success of this four-quadrant hit means the powers that be will start working on that Nintendo Cinematic Universe we’ve always wanted. Let’s a go and see which ones could be next.

Video game adaptations work best when there’s either minimal plot (e.g. Mario) so they can make it up as they go, or when gameplay only exists in service of the plot (e.g. The Last Of Us.) Also, how do you construct a compelling story for adults without characters? I think the main way to do it is spectacle. Give them something to look at or in this case give them something to look for.

I’m not going to mention the obvious Donkey Kong Country movie because they somehow hinted at doing that in the Mario film.

Zelda would be great as an adaption. You could go full Lord of the Rings high fantasy epic. I think the move should be to aim for something more anime-ish in tone and picture. Princess Mononoke is practically a Zelda movie on its own. A Nintendo and Studio Ghibli collaboration could be epic. A couple of points on this one …

1- Compress the number of dungeons so that you can link them to Link and other characters’ character arcs and growth.

2- Make sure Link has at least one and preferably two companions on his journey to talk to (and so you can get the Action-Adventure Triad of Characters – see Mummy 1999.)

Metroid, meanwhile, could be the hardest to adapt because Samus is so defined by being a solitary character. It’s the type of thing that could make a good short film mood piece, but not a feature-length film unless she’s basically a secondary character in it. I mean, the obvious route for a Metroid movie would be to take a page from The Mandalorian and make the first one about Samus having to protect someone for most of the movie.

Star Fox would be a hard movie but an easy breeze as an animated television show. You’d really have to compress a ton to get it to fit into a 90-120 minute family film.

Fire Emblem would definitely be a slam dunk for adaptation if marketed right. “What if Game of Thrones, but more high fantasy elements and a PG-13 rating?”

I would like to see the Mr. Do universe. hopefully eventually having a cross-over with the Dig Dug universe. Think of this as the next Citizen Kane.

A Punch Out origin story on Vodka Drunkenski and his transformation into Soda Popinski. Just lean into the stereotypes by being overly wacky. Like a boxing version of Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.

Pitch Excitebike as the new Fast & Furious and remake Platoon for Splatoon