7 days ago, in a city 2 states away ….. (cue the John Williams)
As anyone who frequents the BSR site knows, last week was the somewhat annual celebration of all things Star Wars in Orlando, Florida. Drew, Spencer, Brian and I made the 12 hour drive from our homes in Tennessee to The Orange State with no agendas, a large amount of snacks, 80 minutes of Skrillex, and the newest ICP album. I would like to take this time to point out that aside from the lack of agendas and surplus of snacks, I had little to do with the aforementioned audio decisions. I blame my friend Brian. Brian is the kind of guy that is hard to get a read on. I can never decide if his actions are deliberate or tongue in cheek. I blame my inability to judge his motives on his insistence to rock horrible eye wear. I have no idea if he genuinely likes looking like an extra from the volleyball scene in Top Gun. He might just think that rocking all the sunglasses that Kanye West didn’t buy is funny. Did I mention that Brian’s nickname is Hell Yeah? The legends lives on….
August 22nd
Me and my three co-pilots left Clarksville, TN all hyped up on energy drink and Funyuns (you throw in beef jerky and you have what is know as “Trailer Breakfast”). Prior to our trip we had blindly selected 12 CDs from the discount bin of our local Wal-Mart. Highlights included a bluegrass tribute to Nickelback, Stevie Nicks, Hank Williams Jr, Good Charlotte, Puddle of Mudd and an edited Eminem album. We figured 1 CD for every hour of driving time. These were to be the only source of music for the trip. So why was Skrillex being played you ask? Because my friends are assholes and they know that Dub-Step gives me panic attacks. Brian, being the good friend that he is, later offered to not play Skrillex the rest of the trip if I downed the small bottle of syrup he had acquired from our lunch at Cracker Barrel. He would retrieve his bottle of syrup many times over the course of the trip in an attempt to use it as a bargaining chip. Because I am insanely stubborn, he still has that bottle.
After 12 hours of auditory abuse and 1 sketchy Spa visit, we arrived at our Days Inn / International House of Pancakes. The Days Inn we stayed at had an IHOP attached to it. Classy. What it didn’t have was working electrical sockets or pillows that didn’t suck.
August 23
We awoke from our slumber with aching backs and dry skin. The water in Florida is pointless. It’s meant for animals to live in. It’s not meant for humans to bathe in or consume. Doing so will make your skin hurt and your bowels stop. This may be a little too much info for the masses, but the last thing I want to do when I’m trying to get my Jawa on is down some laxatives and hope my rectum doesn’t kick start itself when I’m looking to see how much Willow is charging for his autograph. This happened. Wickett was only asking $25. I passed.
Our first day at the celebration started off with a huge win for me. Before we even entered the building I ran right into Stephen Sansweet. Steven is the curator of Racho Obi-Wan and the author of the super popular Star Wars Vault AND the upcoming Star Wars: The Ultimate Action Figure Collection. We shook hands, I thanked him for his work, and continued my journey.
We spent much of the first day pointing and walking aimlessly toward things that had only ever existed to us on the big screen. After an hour or so of taking pictures and cruising the over priced merch tables, the 4 of us ventured upstairs to watch the Star Wars Comics panel. Authors, artists, and creators spent a little over an hour discussing upcoming and ongoing stories that will all be happening within different time lines of the Star Wars Universe. Dark Horse plans to launch a new Star Wars title in early 2013 with all the characters from the original saga as the leads. They hope this will provide a good starting point for those not familiar with the Star Wars comics. For any of those who are unsure about adding this new book to their hold, Alex Ross will be doing the covers. Just saying.
The second panel we saw covered the details of the Star Wars: The Ultimate Action Figure Collection: 35 Years of Characters book to be released this October. Author Stephen Sansweet, joined by his contributors and co-authors, discussed everything that went into deciding which characters made the book, why, and how they determined what constituted a “new figure”. For those who don’t collect action figures this would have been insanely boring. I found it insanely interesting. I thought I knew action figures and molds. I could not have been wrong. It appears that only a handful of people can make a living talking and writing about action figures and unfortunately for me and my fellow collectors, those spots have been taken by Sansweet and friends.
Our last panel of the day was hosted by Timothy Zahn and dealt entirely with his writing contributions to the extended universe. Aside from Brian, the three of us had zero experience with any of Mr. Zahn’s work. After seeing how many novels and short stories Zahn has written, I almost felt as if I had failed as a fan. The theater for the panel was packed with people who knew events down to the page number of specific books. Two of which were a pair of terrifying twins. Note to twins. We get it. You look exactly alike. Stop insisting on having the same haircuts and wearing the same clothes. If your parents did it to you when you were young that’s different. They were the ones being jerks. When you continue to do it as an adult, you’re just being creepy. If I see you wearing the same dress and shoes, I’m going to assume you bathe and shower together. That’s your fault not mine.
Leaving the panel I could see that Brian was on cloud nine whereas I felt as if the force was no longer strong with this one. How could I have NOT been exposed to Zahn’s work? Why did my Dad make me watch the movies over and over and not read the books to go along with them? Oh, because he made me wear short shorts and kick a ball around instead. But I grew up and stopped doing those things. Twins could stand to learn a thing or two from me.
With our panels done for the day we returned to the floor, took advantage of a few merch deals, snapped a few photos, and returned to our room to pass out and not poop.
August 24
Our second day at the con started out much like the first. We did a lot of people watching and sought out any potential panels that may peak our interests. There was an appearance by Mark Hammil scheduled for later in the evening, other than that we were open to anything. Hammil played Cock Knocker in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. He’s a big deal at these things.
Because I drive for work, I pretty much live off of podcasts. One of my favorites just happens to be The Nerdist Podcast. Now am I telling you this because I was able to actually meet and talk to Chris Hardwick? Or am I telling you this so when they ask you, “How did Patrick solidify his place in Hell?” you can correctly respond with, “By lying to an old lady to get tickets to the Star Wars Transmission taping hosted by Chris Hardwick.” Both answers are correct. I did meet Mr. Nerdist himself, and we did score tickets to his super small taping of Star Wars Transmissions by lying to an old lady.
Between lying to women and getting a behind the scenes look at how live internet-based television is made, my good friend Donnie joined our team and the five of us formed like Voltron. For the rest of Friday our mission was simple, get Spencer pictures of women in slave outfits. Out of context that is the best sentence I have ever written. Our mission went off with a hitch except for the near miss of a 6 person pile-up at the wheels of Warwick Davis’ ass hauling Segway. As we were leaving the convention floor, Davis sped through an opened door and almost destroyed Spencer’s diabetes stricken feet. Taking notice of the near collision, he looked back and merely waved. Thank you for the concern Mr. Flickwick.
Our second day concluded with the much anticipated appearance by Mark Hammil. Hammil regaled the audience with stories about everything from his audition for the part of Luke Skywalker to his work as the Joker on Batman: The Animated Series. One of my favorite moments of the weekend occurred when Mark performed perhaps the Joker’s most famous monologue IN CHARACTER He slipped into it soo easily and read through the lines in a way that would have had The Ledge himself taking notes.
August 25th
Saturday went much like the days before. Get to the convention center, check the panel schedule, and people watch. We were lucky enough to score tickets to another Star Wars Transmission taping from one of the interns on the show. I was happy because I wouldn’t have to dent my karma score two days in a row. The group was happy because the rumor going around was that Scott Evil and the other guys from Robot Chicken were going to be the special guests. Rumor became fact and we got a sneak peak of the upcoming Star Wars Detours. I have been on the fence about this show since it’s announcement and after viewing the footage I’m still trying to keep my balance. I do fear that Seth Green may be Seth Mcfarlaning himself (or wasting his flavor) within the Star Wars Universe. Robot Chicken and all the Star Wars Specials have been solid. I worry that one will suffer because of the over exposure or large load of content that needs to be produced to make all the shows successful. I also kind of cringed when I heard that Seth Mcfarlane was going to be involved. I get that the guy pretty much spit’s success and dollar signs. I just don’t get how.
Oh, I forgot to mention that when I as in line for the taping Big Shiny Robot’s Bryan Young walked by us and I didn’t take the chance to introduce myself. Why? Because I’m a chicken shit. I admire the guys writing a ton and appreciate all the opportunities I’ve had to write for the site. I didn’t want to blow any future chances by turning into a babbling idiot and embarrassing myself. I met Henry Rollins and stared at my feet. When I met Kyle Kinane I think I told him he was a cool dude. I hope I never get the chance to meet Tom Hardy or Tom Hanks.
After the taping we killed some time before the NPR panel with more people watching. Within minutes of occupying some couch space, the Warwick Davis appeared again. He was sans Segway and emerged only to disappear into the men’s room. Of course I dared everyone to go ask him for a photo while he stood there mid-piss. Nobody stepped up to the plate and Warwick exited the bathroom and our lives through a door we didn’t know existed. I still attest that he just disappeared because he was in a Harry Potter movie and everyone in those movies is a wizard.
I opted out of the NPR panel on Saturday and I really regret it. Apparently Sam Witwer (Star Wars: Force Unleashed, Being Human) read as one of the characters and that would have been rad to see. Add him to the list of people I don’t need to meet. We also didn’t stay to see Carrie Fisher. I forget the reason. I think it had something to do with all of us yearning for food that wasn’t grease flavored.
August 26th
Sunday was the last day of the celebration and you could see the toll the last four days had taken on the faces of all the people who thought rocking costume make-up for four days was a rad idea. We didn’t really spend a lot of time at the celebration Sunday. We cruised the floor one more time to see if there were any deals we couldn’t pass up and after that we were off. We regrettably missed the “Why We Love The Prequels” panel that featured my web crush Bryan Young. I blame Mother Nature. We were warned by a local that there was a hurricane on it’s way and we didn’t want to test our might against Mother Nature. The universe has a way of evening things out and I had just lied to an old lady.
The ride home was a quiet one. Skrillex made another appearance. So did the bottle of syrup. We made a pit stop at a gas station that only carried pornography of an Ebony persuasion and Rebel flag license plates. And you thought never the two shall meet.
All in all the weekend was a success. I met some rad people, saw some rad costumes, and had a rad time with my best friends. I don’t know if I’m aching to go to another Star Wars Celebration right away or if I would prefer going to something like Dragon-Con instead. I’m sure as soon as details get released we will start making our plans and booking our rooms. Although 4 days with just dudes is a little intense. I may have to convince Emily to tag along for whatever happens next year. I’m sure she’s looking for yet another reason to not have sex with me and seeing me wig out over a dude in tights and masks should suffice.